My Stuffing's Getting Ripped Out

This is what I was processing on the way home tonight.  If I tagged you, then it's probably because this came up in conversation one way or another.

It's like I've been a stuffed animal and God is making me into a puppet.  As humans there is only so much we can do with stuffed animals - we may be able to grab them and move them and talk, but it's not like what we can do with puppets - acting and speaking through them.  But what's the difference, they're both made of fuzzy material on the outside that represents their skin, their being?  The difference is that puppets are empty.  Stuffed animals are literally stuffed with stuffing, but puppets are totally empty.  But it is exactly their emptiness that allows us to act and speak through them.

That's how I feel about what I'm going through.  So often recently I've just been feeling completely empty, just totally void - lonely, alone, abandoned by the Church - empty, all there is is God but it doesn't even feel like he's there sometimes.  But the past couple of weeks he has shown up, through my job, through ministry.  Like Fastbreak or Monday's meeting or tonight - I'd be on my way to these things just crying out to God "I'm so empty that I can't do anything!  I NEED you to show up and fill me if I am to do anything good."  And he has been showing up.  But it's weird because I still feel empty.  But even in that good things are coming out of me.  Like tonight, I drove a student home.  She asked me for advice about something and I forewarned her that I was in a weird mood (feeling emotionally exhausted and just blah from my most recent conversation) and that I didn't know if anything I was about to tell her was going to make sense.  And then, from who knows where within me, I just started spitting out scriptures and truth and things Jesus said and I was like "I don't really know what I'm saying or if it's relevant or if it makes sense" and she was like "No, that's exactly what I needed to hear!"

So, I'm empty - I feel empty, but I guess what I've known in my head for years I am now finally starting to experience in my heart, that only when I'm empty of me can God really work through me.  He's been ripping out my stuffing so that he can stick his hand inside me to move my arms and lips.  I imagine for a stuffed animal (if they were living, feeling beings) it would be painful to be ripped open and have your stuffing ripped out.  And thus is our experience - painful.  And we are left feeling empty.  But somehow it's all good in the end because then we have that much more of God inside us and it is so much less of us acting and talking, but rather him, because we have nothing left.

I hope that makes sense.

And then to really seal it all in, he brought to mind the song "Empty Me" by Jeremy Camp.  So I just blasted it in my car the rest of the way home, like REALLY meaning what I was singing, because that's exactly how I felt.  I was a little hesitant at first to really beg him to empty me, because I know I don't like it, but after the repetitions of the song I sang more emphatically because I admitted that that was the best way - that I'm sick of being stuffed with things that aren't him and I WANT him to burn away all of my desires for the things, the sins, that keep tripping me up!  It was devastatingly wonderful.

I felt like I was bursting with all of this amazing work that he was doing in me and I had to share.

I feel like a parent

I went back to my youth group tonight.  It has been a while since I have gone to youth group back home.  It felt weird going into it, and the weirdness never really left.

Going into it felt weird, I guess, because I had not been there in a while.  One of my girls I knew would be off at college, and that was weird to me too.  After I got there, I found out that it is actually the last Sunday for a lot of the people that are headed off to college for the first time.  Last year I had one girl graduate high school and go off somewhere.  Next year I will have one or two graduate and go off to college.  But this year, four graduated and are headed off to college.  It is weird.  I cannot believe it has been four years since I began pouring into some of these girls.  I think I feel a fragment of what parents must feel when their children go off to college.

"Did I do a good job?" was the first question that ran through my mind.  But I remembered that it is not about me, so I thought about Jesus.  "Did I teach and train them well?  Was I faithful with those whom I was given?  Are they going to go off to college and their relationships with Jesus survive?"  For the first time I was realizing that I had only a limited amount of time to disciple these girls.  So many things ran through my mind that I wish I had thought of, or realized, years ago, when I was entrusted with these girls.  Lessons that I learned theoretically now became steeped in reality.  I feel like I finally realized practically, that my influence in many students lives will be short.  Looking ahead to whenever I start ministry with Student Venture, I will be able to go into it with a realization that I only have four, three, two years or less with these students, and then my time is up.  Discipleship is urgent!

I am glad I am learning this lesson now, instead of four years into my ministry with Student Venture.  I hope and pray that I always keep this in mind as more students are entrusted to my care and discipleship.

As for my girls that are now headed off to college, it is another lesson in faith to trust that God will keep them close.  It is difficult to let the birds fly from the nest, but it is time, and it is necessary.

Lift.10 wrap up

My trip to Ridgecrest, NC went well.  I got an alignment and a whole new set of tires for my car, so it ran well.  I spent less on gas than I thought I would.  :)  It was a long drive, but having somebody with me made the time pass more quickly.

Here are some highlights from the week:

• Beautiful weather in the mountains; definitely not as hot as Florida.
• Afternoon adventures hiking the mountain trails.  Rattlesnake Summit was my favorite!
• Passionate messages from Student Venture's national director.  I always like hearing from him.  His messages encourage and challenge me.  I am proud to have him as my National Director.
• Corporately praising our great God and Savior through song.
• Joining together in prayer for ourselves, our teams and our students.
• Having time to connect and pray with our city and department teams.
• Deepening existing friendships and starting new ones.  Student Venture really feels like a family.  I feel so loved and cared for, and just enjoy being with the team.
• Sharing a burden with a friend during the car trip.  We talked extensively about a difficulty I am facing, and more so than that, got to lift it up to God in prayer.  It was wonderful!

A Student Venture conference cannot be complete without silly games during the sessions - this is one of those games.

 Table friends (Kelly, me, Kar-Lai, and Sheridan) and table fun!  :)  (the sweat bands were for a game we played later that day)

My favorite time of the conference was the city time. I got together with the six other staff members on the Orlando team.  We shared a little about how our summer was going.  We also shared about what God was speaking to us through the conference.  It was really encouraging to hear that I was not alone in the issue God pointed out to me.  In fact, it seemed as though the whole team was struggling with the same issue - some facet of pride.  In hearing others share about it, I felt the freedom to be honest with them about my own struggle.  It is nice to be known for who I am, shortcomings and all, yet still embraced as a much desired part of this team, this family.  We also got to talking about the coming semester and the unknown that stands before us.  Our previous directors have moved on to a difference aspect of SV, so some of our team members are the new directors.  God also seems to be calling one family, potentially, to an international SV ministry.  We are not sure what that looks like yet, but it could mean that our team would become even smaller.  A theme that God seemed to be speaking to us separately, yet all together, is prayer.  As we look to this coming school year, prayer seems to be our strategy.  It is very fitting, since we do have so much unknown in front of us.  Since prayer was such a large topic of our discussion, we stopped talking and just prayed.  We prayed probably for as long as we talked.  It is awesome to be part of a team that is (or will be) committed to prayer.  It is awesome to be part of a team that is okay with tears and emotion.  It is awesome to be a part of this SV Orlando family.  I cannot wait to join them on the field.

Thank you for praying for this trip and conference.  Please continue to pray for our team and the unknown in front of us.  Please continue to also pray for new financial partners to join my team so that I can report to the field as soon as possible, to reach more teenagers with the love and truth of Jesus.

Transitions

So it has been a few days since returning from Getaway and there are some things on my mind and heart in the way of transitions.

Most obvious to me is my feelings of loneliness.  Whenever I return from a trip that involves being around people almost all day, whether it be a week or 7, I almost always feel lonely.  I miss people and the intimacy that I usually experience every day on trips like that.

At Getaway I had places to go every day and people to love and disciple - I had purpose.  Coming back home seems like such a stark contrast to that and I am struggling with feelings of purposelessness.  Without many interactions with people I feel like I do not have much purpose to my days.

Overall, I think I am struggling with the basic fact that I am trying to fit a changed person into a home, an environment, a world that is not changed.  While at Getaway, I had experiences that do not fit into my "normal" life back in the "real world".  I am changed, yet the world I have come back to is no different than when I left and I struggle to be the different I have become.  It is very tempting to just return to the person I was and the ways I went prior to Getaway.

...

As someone so recently and so clearly noticed about me, I am a doer.  I struggle with resting.  It seems a theme that has been spoken into my life by two godly women the past two days.

As I read my thoughts and struggles above I wonder if my heart is even in the right place, for if I were finding all my satisfaction and worth in my relationship with and identity in Jesus, then would I not be okay?  There are such fine lines between love and idolatry that I feel like I am walking.  I pray that I do not focus on God for his benefit in ministry, for that would make ministry an idol.  I pray that I do not focus on God and his character for the benefit of knowledge, for that would make knowledge an idol.  I pray I do not focus on actions for or with God, for that would make work an idol.  Can I be satisfied with just him?  I pray that I can come to a place when and where I seek God just for him.

I am beginning to see that maybe my challenge for now is to rest - to rest in the presence of my Lord, to rest in the truth that he supplies EVERYTHING I need - that he is my company and provides the intimacy for which I long, and that so long as I am in union with him, I will remain the changed person he is working in me to be, despite in what environment I am.

I guess I am feeling the tension between my renewed spirit and my sin-stained heart and mind.

Romans 7:22–23 (ESV)

22 For I delight in the law of God, in my inner being, 23 but I see in my members another law waging war against the law of my mind and making me captive to the law of sin that dwells in my members.

Galatians 5:17 (ESV)
For the desires of the flesh are against the Spirit, and the desires of the Spirit are against the flesh, for these are opposed to each other, to keep you from doing the things you want to do.

But praise God for Romans 8:1-11 and Galatians 5:18!  What a wonderful God that loves me!

Getaway 2010 - Wrap Up

Days three and four we spent the afternoon doing outreach on the beach.  I was amazed and captivated by the creativity of the outreaches we did.  Some people did tug-of-war, some did slow motion football, and some just handed out free bottles of water.  The coolest part of our conference outreach was the battle.  We had two “armies” consisting of our guys painted up and armed with cardboard shields and weapons.  Buses dropped us and them off at two locations and we drew a crowd to follow us to the battlefield to watch.  The two armies came face to face and fought an epic battle.  With each of these activities the students would strike up a conversation and talk about spiritual things.  Many students had the chance to share the gospel and lead people to accept Christ as their Savior.  I also had the opportunity to share the Gospel with people and see some accept Christ as their Savior.

The last two Chat Rooms that we had did not go in any way how I wanted, but I am sure God had a purpose for it.  One relationship in particular was really challenging for me, but God used it to help me and the other person grow.  God also used it to bring me to a depth in prayer where I have not been in a while, a place that I have missed and want to get back to.  He also used it to remind me of my utter dependence upon him in everything that I do, and that I fear him and not what people think about me.  Most of the time in ministry I can get away with loving gently; but there are times when a fierce love is called for – love that will speak truth boldly in the way of conviction and correction so as to restore one to a right place with God and others.  For me it is always a scary and difficult way to love because of how highly I consider others’ thoughts about me.  But when I fear and depend upon him, I can do all things.

The last two evening sessions were filled with great teaching from James White.  I cannot even begin to describe it – it was the BEST teaching on the scriptures I have EVER heard.  Needless to say, I learned a lot from those sermons.  Along with that, the last night we had a Holy Ghost party, which I also cannot really describe, except that it must be the closest experience to what Heaven will be like that I have ever had.  It was off the hook!  Imagine 600+ people jumping, shouting, singing, rapping, dancing, etc. for an hour or so, all in praise and worship of our great God and Savior Jesus Christ – totally spontaneous worship.  No one wanted to leave or stop.  It was incredible!

Getaway 2010 - Day 2

Last night I was hoping to talk with my girls about struggles in their lives.  The evening message was about being vulnerable in community and was really good.  The first half of our Chat Room we talked about emotions (something else the speaker mentioned).  We had some great discussion and one of the girls really got the idea that it does not matter what or how many bad things a person has done, that they are declared righteous by their faith.

Somehow there was a natural break halfway through, and I felt like I lost them.  They got rowdy and could not get back on track.  We laughed a lot but eventually I sent them to bed.

I do not mind them having fun, but at the same time there is so much growth and depth that I feel like they will miss if we do not get the chance to talk about deeper things.  Pray that we will get there when the time is right, and that I will have the discernment to know when to lead the discussion that way.  I certainly do not want to rush things, but also do not want to miss the window of opportunity.

This morning during our staff meeting, one of the other Orlando leaders shared a story of how God is working in the guys' hearts.  One guy in particular, one of the student leaders, was struggling with something pretty big and it was weighing heavily upon his heart.  The leader could see on his countenance that somethings was going on inside so he asked.  When the boy finally opened up, he just started crying - hardcore crying.  The Orlando leader did not say much more before his buddies started rallying around him, hugging on him and supporting him.  Eventually, other Orlando guys heard about this guy struggling and they ran to the room to support him.  So picture all these young men, all of them crying for their brother, hugging him, supporting him, and encouraging him.

I love to hear stories like that, to hear how God is working in the hearts of guys, raising them up to be men of God.

I also want to share a story about another guy with whom God has blown me away.  I met him through our seminar times (he is actually from Chattanooga).  The topic of our seminar has been teaching students to reach out to groups on their campuses and to disciple others.  The one guy really cares about the lost at his campus.  He prayed for our table in regards to reaching out to others and his heart really shone through.  He had scripture hidden in his heart that came out in his prayer along with his compassion for his fellow classmates.  He asked questions about strategies and such.  It was really refreshing to me to hear these teenagers filled with such compassion like Jesus and wondering how and planning even to reach his campus.  He and another guy at the table want to go to Venezuela this summer on a mission trip.  I think this trip would be great for them - great experience and especially great training and equipping for returning to their schools in the fall with the intent to reach their campus.  The only thing that stands in their way is $3000 that they (collectively) need to raise in order to go on the trip.  So pray for God to provide financial partners for Jack and Trent to be able to go on this mission trip.

Getaway 2010 - Day 1

It has been a busy almost 24 hours since we have arrived here in SC.  There are over 600 teenagers and interns/volunteers/staff here this week to grow in their relationship with God (or to begin that relationship).  Last night, the speaker gave a very clear presentation of the best news of all time and we have already had some students respond by placing their faith in Jesus as their Lord and Savior.  Woohoo, praise God!!!!!!  This week we have the privilege of having the band Tenth Avenue North lead us in worship through music.  They have already been a blessing to myself and to students.  One of my girls was explaining last night that one of the songs really helped her connect with and experience God.  It was so cool to hear!

I have a few more girls in my Chat Room than I thought I would, but I am so glad to have them all.  You can be praying for Lindsey, Susan, Kayla, Alison, Rachel, Maggie, and Kara.  I was so glad that during our first Chat Room they were really honest about where they feel like they are at spiritually coming into this conference.  On a scale of 0 (being "I don't care about God") to 5 ("could be better, could be worse") to 10 ("Godisthebestthingever, Ilovehim,Ilovehim,Ilovehim!"), the lowest was 2.5 and the highest was a 7 or 8, and everyone else was in between.  That may seem like a wide range to handle, but what I really like is that they all came to grow spiritually.  Their passion for change overflowed in their answers to my questions - they are all SO hungry for more of God.  IT JUST EXCITES ME!  Pray for me as I challenge these girls to grow in their faith and lead them to know what steps to take next.  I sometimes find myself surprised that they do not know, to me, what seems so elementary as far as a relationship with God goes; but it brings me back to the reality that they are still young spiritually, which is great!  (We were all babies at one point, right?)  I am excited that I get to reveal more of Jesus' love and redemption with these girls.

Reaching out

Last Friday I was on my way to an appointment when I saw a man at an intersection asking for help.  Sadly, this is not an uncommon sight.

<< Rewind<<  A while ago I became discontent.  Driving by these people every week I wondered what I could do.  As a Christian, am I not supposed to be helping the less fortunate?  Many thoughts of safety and questions of actions went through my mind.  I continued to drive by these people and be reminded of my discontent.  I was frustrated with the call/desire to help but no idea how.  I kept praying.

Finally, I had an idea - gift cards - a practical way to help, while not risking money being spent on drugs or alcohol.  So I decided to make a care package of sorts.  I bought some gift cards to healthy-ish food places and put it in a card with an encouraging note.  I, of course, do not want to meet only someone's physical need but want to make sure I minister to their spiritual need as well.  So in the card I included a small book that explains the Gospel.  I made a few of these care packs and put them in my glove compartment so they would always be handy.  My hope was that this care package communicates that someone cares about them and that they have worth, ministering to their felt-need and their real need.

>>Flash forward>>  I decide to pull over and give one of these care packages to this man.  I parked and crossed the street.  I shook his hand, introduced myself, and asked him about his situation.  His name is Ronnie.  He has some kind of blood disease and lost half of one of his legs.  He is unemployed, thus the reason he was out there.  I gave him the card and explained I had to go because I was on my way to an appointment.  I told him I would pray for him.  He was very grateful.

I wanted to ask you to say a quick prayer for him too.

I also challenge you to think about how you can reach out to others in need.  Will you make care packs like mine?  Will you get creative and think of other ways to reach out to others in need?  If you do come up with other ideas I would like to hear them, so tell me about them.  Of course asking God to provide for others is good.  But we have to beware that we are not praying for God to provide for those in need only through other people.  If we have the ability would not our faith and love move us to take action ourselves and be the answer to our own (and others') prayers?  James 2:15–16 (ESV) says, "If a brother or sister is poorly clothed and lacking in daily food, and one of you says to them, 'Go in peace, be warmed and filled,' without giving them the things needed for the body, what good is that?"  I would be so bold as to say that if we have the ability to reach out to others in need and are praying for God to provide for them, yet are not taking any action personally, then we are lying to ourselves and to God in that we really do not want God to provide for them.  So ask God how you can help others in need...and do it!

Catching you up.

There have been so many times that I have wanted to come on here and blog.  God has been doing so much in my life and has been teaching me so much.  I really want to start blogging more regularly.  I guess I need to set aside time every couple days to do so.

Whenever I blog I always try to keep in mind the length, because I know that you do not have hours to read what I write.  So keeping that in mind, but wanting to unload the blog topics that have been building up in my mind, I have decided to write the short thoughts and not develop them (so this blog will seem all over the place).  Then I will try to blog more regularly so the topics do not build up again.

My 5K went well.  I had a few friends come with me so it was nice to be able to hang out with and celebrate with them.  It was fun and I reached a new personal best.  My goal was to finish in 30 minutes (about which I was very skeptical), and I finished in 29:42.  Woohoo!  Running with others sped up my pace a bit, and the excitement and adrenaline from the event kept me pumped up and distracted.  So the running was good, but I am not so sure I am crazy about running in races like that.  I wrote before about liking the longer, harder runs because they emptied me and pointed me to Jesus.  I cannot really attribute my great success in this race to my dependence on Christ; I was more dependent on my adrenaline.  So whether I do another one or not I have not decided.  The good thing that came out of it was motivation to run that far on my own, and thus emptying me and pointing me to Christ.  So, we will see.

Of the family with whom I am currently living there is a boy in high school.  They just had their prom last weekend and were talking about it on Monday.  The boy was saying how of the people that he had interacted with that day, about 47% of them were talking about having sex after prom.  : O  4 7 %  Ugh, it just makes my heart drop to hear the saddened state of our high schools these days.  And if that is not bad enough, it just pumps up my desire to be doing ministry with Student Venture.  If I am not careful with it I can quickly get frustrated with God for "taking so long" to bring enough partners onto my team so that I can get out on the front lines.  Sometimes it is so hard to keep myself in check.  But I cannot save the world and there are people already out there whom God is using.  So I guess I can wait until he is ready for me (or until I am ready) to get out on the field.

I am currently reading through Judges...and it is aWeSoMe!  Previously I was struggling to get through the Old Testament.  I had the wrong perspective.  My goal was to get through it just to get through it.  Once I changed my perspective to seek to learn about God it became not only tolerable, but pleasurable and desireable.  Now I am excited each night as I climb in bed for my "story time".  Reading through Old Testament stories and looking at what, how and why God is doing is teaching me/reminding me a lot about God but also bringing up some questions.  Like last night, I read that God sent an evil spirit between to Abimelech and the leaders of Shechem (Judges 9:23).  How could God do that, does that not contradict with his goodness?  Things like that I just do not understand about God.

Well, that is probably enough for now, but be looking for more posts coming soon!  : )