The Woods of Solitude

Technology robs us of silence,

of solitude.

Convenience becomes an intrusion.

The noise keeps us shallow and prevents us from being taken to the depths.
And the depths cry louder.
We become uncomfortable.
We hush their cries with the noise of technology –
we numb the longing for deep connection
with the convenience of quick, shallow communication.
We scramble to fill
only to realize we are becoming more empty.
 
Solitude.
We break the vicious cycle and sit in silence.
Silence.
It is uncomfortable.
All the voices of desire,
all the groanings too deep for words
begin to rise.
We are scared.
We want more noise!
to hide the fear,
to distract from the pain of longings unfulfilled.
But we press on in stillness.
As the silence grows and our minds become calm,
our soul emerges from hiding,
like a wild beast emerging from the brush because
we finally stopped traipsing through the forest.
Sitting quietly by a tree
we finally realize how our crashing through the forest of our lives
kept our wild souls in hiding.
But in quiet, in solitude,
We invite our souls to be seen,
to be heard.
Then we begin to hear –
the longings of our soul
the hopes
the dreams.
We are reminded of who we really are
and who we really want to be.
The emotions rise –
            sadness
            fear
            regret
            disgust
who we are is not who we really want to be!
And what we have is not really what we want.
We sit in our sadness from the discrepancies between our heart and lives.
Silence.
 
And then we hear it –
a new voice
a voice not our own,
a voice of promise
a voice of hope.
We can be fulfilled and satisfied!
But this new way,
this life
is so much different than what I look like on the outside…
I become discouraged,
I fear the shame
of so much change.
But then the voice speaks love.
Love,
acceptance,
patience.
My heart floods with sadness and joy as I realize that is what I wanted all along!
My constant searching through technology,
my constant busyness and noise,
and yet here
in the silence
and the uncomfortable solitude
is where I have found the deepest longing of my heart.
 
I am so glad I went here.
I am so glad I stopped here.
I have peace,
and joy.
I smile.

JOLTED by the obnoxious intrusion of my phone’s ‘ding’ and vibration,

I jump from the tree where I found solitude…and love.
My wild soul goes running into hiding as I keep running through the woods.
Remembering what just happened,
almost as if it were a dream,
I pause and look back to that tree.
“I’ll be back soon.” I whisper with a smile.
Then I turn and keep running.

[This poem was inspired by my readings in Sacred Rhythms by Ruth Haley Barton]

The Single Life

I'm hungry for intimacy.

I'm searching for intimacy, even without realizing it. I seem to only notice it once I've found it and then it gets removed, like recently.

Recently I returned from a summer trip where I spent three weeks with the same group of 18 people (more if you count the others that came for a shorter amount of time - 62 total individuals). This is the third time I've been on this trip and the fifth time I've been on a trip like this, so I'm familiar with how it feels to make such deep bonds during the trip, only to have them quickly or slowly lose touch in the days and months to follow.

This year has felt a little different, and because I'm in a different stage of life, my perspective has been different. And as I've been writing in my journal and processing with the Lord, I think I've stumbled upon what seems to be a huge insight! [Granted, none of this has been verified by any married folk, so for now it is completely theoretical, and nonetheless my personal observation and interpretation.]

So for those who may not understand the kind of trip and relational bonds about which I am talking, I'll fill you in and get all of us on the same page. These trips are anywhere from three to six to ten weeks long, and for that time you are living together, working together and everything in between (especially these camping trips, like the kind I was just on - then even bodily functions become a normal conversation). Usually we don't know anyone going into the trip, yet we are all committed on the front end to loving and being friends with everyone. So when we finally get together, relationship-building is intentional and thorough. You pretty much share your life story every day and by the end of the trip, everyone of the same gender has heard it (and you've heard theirs) and half or more the people of the opposite gender knows your story and struggles too. Over the course of the trip you laugh together, cry together, be absolutely crazy and obnoxious together and even experience some relational tension...pretty much all the makings of a family. Ultimately that is what it feels like and what it becomes - a family, for those three or more weeks. Goodbyes are really painful, and nearly everyone cries - even the guys, but that's a sign of good, deep bonds. Many will keep in touch in the ensuing days, months and years, but it will never feel the same as when you were all together.

Much of this does feel the same for us leaders, but over the years I have noticed a difference between the leaders and the students on the trip (outside of the fact that the leaders return year after year, while there is a fresh batch of students). My observation is this: for the most part, the students do not keep in contact with the leaders to the same extent that they do to the other students. I will withhold my interpretations for now, but I will say that for me, this reality has created a bit of a void, which has stirred this deeper contemplation.

This difference, and for me, this void, stirs up my own brokenness and insecurities, so I dwell on it more. I ponder: why do I feel this way? Obviously these trips provide a source of relational and emotional intimacy that is rarely found in the "real" world, at least as I've experienced it. Once a year I have this amazing family for three weeks, then for the rest of the year, it seems a struggle to connect with people the same way, especially after graduating from college (another important observation).

So I wonder, as I have for years: can this type of community exist in everyday life? Why doesn't or can't my small group feel this way? This is where stage of life has created even more of a chasm. In college, there were some experiences throughout the year of community like that, yet the older I've gotten and the more my friends and peers have gotten married, the farther I feel from the reality or possibility of that type of community in everyday life. So I wonder: maybe it's because I'm single.

So I return to thinking about the trip and now think about the married couples on the trip. Do they feel the same loss of intimacy and community that I do upon leaving a group and trip like this? Of course they do to some extent. However, I imagine it is also different. As married people, your "family" - your essential community and source of intimacy is self-contained, whereas us singles need to outsource to find "family", community and intimacy. Thus we find it on trips like these, and why I think it is likely sweeter but harder for singles to come and go, than for couples who have a partner that comes and goes with them and where they experience intimacy no matter when or what (as a general principle, with their spouse). The leaders who are single connect much like the students, yet the post-trip interaction is not the same between the leaders and students, which is how I began to notice all this in the first place.

Then, in everyday life, as more of my friends and peers have gotten married (and as I have remained single) I've noticed a significant difference in group dynamics between groups of mostly singles and groups of mostly married couples. Groups of singles seem closer, more intimate/vulnerable, and more committed as a group, whereas groups of mostly couples seem more disconnected and distant as a group, by comparison. As I thought about why, it finally dawned on me that it is probably precisely because they are married and therefore get much of their need for intimacy and vulnerability satisfied within their marriage, so it is less natural to initiate and engage in that intimacy and vulnerability within the group setting.

And that is where, as a single person living in the reality of an ever-increasing percentage of peers getting engaged and married (and having babies), I have less and less intimacy, and am more and more hungry for it. :\ There is a huge, but natural, shift between group dynamics and group intimacy between college and adulthood. And if you're like me, in the group of people that gets married later than all your friends and peers, it can be a challenge.

So, I guess this wasn't a "happy" post, but it seemed a monumental insight to me, and an important one in order to help keep my expectations in check, both for trips and for everyday life. I, like many others, live on the margins of society (in a sense), frequently experiencing loneliness due to being single. But I don't say this as a complaint, just stating a reality. I know I'm right where God has planned, and I trust that he will provide according to his good will and his perfect timing (not that it's not hard though). And he has taught me that in the period of patience and waiting on his timing to provide, he has provided himself and a different means of intimacy and community. I do long to be married and to experience the intimacy and community of a husband, but I know that ultimately, there is a source of intimacy and community that is even greater and deeper than that, and I can experience that, even now, when he grants it. So it is that I ache for more, yet I am content and satisfied.

Eclipses, Jesus and Us

As I write this I am laying outside watching the lunar eclipse. It
reminds me of a spiritual truth I realized years ago through nature -
through eclipses.
As followers of Jesus Christ, we can compare ourselves and our
relationship to Jesus and the world with the solar system. The sun is
the Son - Jesus. The earth is the world. The moon is followers of Jesus.
The Son, like the sun, provides light and life. Most often we do not
see it directly, otherwise it's splendor would blind us. But we know
that it exists because of how it affects everything else; we know that
it exists because we see the world by it. The earth is the
representation of all those people and powers that are not submitting
to the lordship of Jesus. We/I would describe them as spiritually in
the dark - they do not experience the light and life of the Son.
Within the representation of the world is also our three-fold enemy -
our flesh, the world system, and Satan. The moon represents people who
trust Jesus as their Savior and follow him as Lord. Per the
relationship and lifestyle, we are always supposed to be reflectors of
his light and life - just like the moon reflects the light of the sun.
In and of itself, the moon is dark and lifeless and has not much to
offer. But properly reflecting the light of the sun, it is visible,
yet because of it's nature must give the praise to the sun for
providing the light. In this way, the world can see the Son's light
in the dark and without being blinded.
Now that we have the basics, here are a couple of warnings. We, as
followers of Jesus must be careful of the solar and lunar eclipses in
our spirituality.
A lunar eclipse happens when the earth gets between the sun and the
moon. The earth casts a shadow on the moon and it becomes dark. The
world can often get between followers of Jesus and Jesus himself. This
happens when we choose worldly things over Jesus or when we give into
temptation. The result is that we stop reflecting the light of the
Son, leaving the world at night in the dark.
A solar eclipse happens when the moon gets between the earth and the
sun, blocking out the sun and becoming dark in the process. When we,
as followers of Jesus, become prideful and want the world to see us,
give us praise and glory instead of Jesus - that is when we have a
spiritual solar eclipse. We try to take the spotlight but in the
process we become dark to the world, no longer properly reflecting the
light of the Son. We also block out his light and leave the world in
darkness and death.
Our purpose as the moon is to reflect the light and life of the Son,
but we must be careful not to allow the world to overshadow us and not
to allow our pride to get in the way of the world seeing the Son.

I feel like a parent

I went back to my youth group tonight.  It has been a while since I have gone to youth group back home.  It felt weird going into it, and the weirdness never really left.

Going into it felt weird, I guess, because I had not been there in a while.  One of my girls I knew would be off at college, and that was weird to me too.  After I got there, I found out that it is actually the last Sunday for a lot of the people that are headed off to college for the first time.  Last year I had one girl graduate high school and go off somewhere.  Next year I will have one or two graduate and go off to college.  But this year, four graduated and are headed off to college.  It is weird.  I cannot believe it has been four years since I began pouring into some of these girls.  I think I feel a fragment of what parents must feel when their children go off to college.

"Did I do a good job?" was the first question that ran through my mind.  But I remembered that it is not about me, so I thought about Jesus.  "Did I teach and train them well?  Was I faithful with those whom I was given?  Are they going to go off to college and their relationships with Jesus survive?"  For the first time I was realizing that I had only a limited amount of time to disciple these girls.  So many things ran through my mind that I wish I had thought of, or realized, years ago, when I was entrusted with these girls.  Lessons that I learned theoretically now became steeped in reality.  I feel like I finally realized practically, that my influence in many students lives will be short.  Looking ahead to whenever I start ministry with Student Venture, I will be able to go into it with a realization that I only have four, three, two years or less with these students, and then my time is up.  Discipleship is urgent!

I am glad I am learning this lesson now, instead of four years into my ministry with Student Venture.  I hope and pray that I always keep this in mind as more students are entrusted to my care and discipleship.

As for my girls that are now headed off to college, it is another lesson in faith to trust that God will keep them close.  It is difficult to let the birds fly from the nest, but it is time, and it is necessary.

Today, life sucks

I don't even know where to start.

I stopped at Big 10 Tires today to have my car checked over in preparation for my road trip to NC on Monday.  The diagnosis:  I need an alignment and two new tires (because the tires are wearing unevenly because they are out of alignment).  That is the bare minimum I need in order to get to NC safely.  But in addition to that, I have a transmission pan leak and I need my rear brakes adjusted.  AND THAT IS WHAT IS SO MADDENING!  I just had my 60,000 mile service done less than two months ago, I should not have problems with those things two months after they were just tended to!  I shelled out enough money that there should not be any problems with my car.

Of course, money is a concern - I am just making it with a part time income.  And I was already wondering how I was going to pay for my dog's yearly shots and heartworm medicine next month.  I guess it is a good thing I have a birthday coming up.  There's nothing more fun than spending birthday money on necessities.

What hurts the most:  missing out on quality family time because I have to spend tomorrow getting second opinions to make sure little inexperienced girl here is not being taken advantage of by car guys.  My little niece's voice over the phone saying, "No Aunt Katrina, you have to come" just twists the knife.

To only make it worse, this is what is running through my mind:  "If only I had taken it in a day or two earlier like I had planned...I would probably be able to go tomorrow."  "If only I had gotten my tires balanced and rotated regularly, my tires would have lasted more than half their lifespan."

So if car woes, lack of money and missing family time wasn't enough, I add a dash of guilt because I think that I could have avoided all of this.  And I probably could, if I took care of my car like I should have, getting my tires rotated and balanced regularly.  I hate that I had to learn this lesson the hard way, but I guess now I know.

Conclusion:  yeah, today, life sucked.  I'm glad tomorrow's another day, and that in a month, my car stuff will be resolved.

Weekend Revelations

So it is finally coming together in my mind and I think reaching my heart as well.

Chapter 7 in Traveling Light by Max Lucado, I read a perspective that has become ingrained in my thinking and has been working on my heart - in a good way.

We ask God, "Where is the path?  Where are you taking me?"  And he, like the guide, doesn't tell us.  Oh, he may give us a hint or two, but that's all.  If he did, would we understand?  Would we comprehend our location?  No, like the traveler, we are unacquainted with this jungle.  So rather than give us an answer, Jesus gives us a far greater gift.  He gives us himself.

...everything changes when your rescuer appears.  Your loneliness diminishes, because you have fellowship.  Your despair decreases, because you have vision.  Your confusion begins to lift, because you have direction.  Please note:  you have not left the jungle.  It hasn't changed, but you have...because you have hope...because you have met someone that can lead you out. ...Jesus doesn't give us hope by changing the jungle; he restores our hope [by changing us].

And that is what God has been doing in me, restoring my hope by changing me.  (I did not even realize how hopeless I felt.)  What I have learned:

The destination is not the point or the goal, and not even the journey is the point or goal, but Jesus is - Jesus is the goal, the prize...and I have already attained that.  :)

My jungle is developing my team of ministry partners, being unclear as to what step to take next, and not knowing how or when I will ever reach my dream of doing full time minsitry.  This jungle may seem like a period of waiting - waiting for the day of which I dream - but it is a period of walking with my LORD, as is all of life.  I do not want to be looking forward so much that I miss what he has for me right now, that I miss more precious time with him.  He is my hope amidst the jungle, and even if I am "lost" in this "jungle" for a prolonged period of time, I have already been found in the most important way - by my Hope, my Guide - and so long as I am with him, that is all that matters - I have all I need and am not truly lost.

Bottom line:  Life's value is not defined by our actions, but rather, by our relationships.  Living is not constantly looking toward the future; living is enjoying and taking part in the present.

Transitions

So it has been a few days since returning from Getaway and there are some things on my mind and heart in the way of transitions.

Most obvious to me is my feelings of loneliness.  Whenever I return from a trip that involves being around people almost all day, whether it be a week or 7, I almost always feel lonely.  I miss people and the intimacy that I usually experience every day on trips like that.

At Getaway I had places to go every day and people to love and disciple - I had purpose.  Coming back home seems like such a stark contrast to that and I am struggling with feelings of purposelessness.  Without many interactions with people I feel like I do not have much purpose to my days.

Overall, I think I am struggling with the basic fact that I am trying to fit a changed person into a home, an environment, a world that is not changed.  While at Getaway, I had experiences that do not fit into my "normal" life back in the "real world".  I am changed, yet the world I have come back to is no different than when I left and I struggle to be the different I have become.  It is very tempting to just return to the person I was and the ways I went prior to Getaway.

...

As someone so recently and so clearly noticed about me, I am a doer.  I struggle with resting.  It seems a theme that has been spoken into my life by two godly women the past two days.

As I read my thoughts and struggles above I wonder if my heart is even in the right place, for if I were finding all my satisfaction and worth in my relationship with and identity in Jesus, then would I not be okay?  There are such fine lines between love and idolatry that I feel like I am walking.  I pray that I do not focus on God for his benefit in ministry, for that would make ministry an idol.  I pray that I do not focus on God and his character for the benefit of knowledge, for that would make knowledge an idol.  I pray I do not focus on actions for or with God, for that would make work an idol.  Can I be satisfied with just him?  I pray that I can come to a place when and where I seek God just for him.

I am beginning to see that maybe my challenge for now is to rest - to rest in the presence of my Lord, to rest in the truth that he supplies EVERYTHING I need - that he is my company and provides the intimacy for which I long, and that so long as I am in union with him, I will remain the changed person he is working in me to be, despite in what environment I am.

I guess I am feeling the tension between my renewed spirit and my sin-stained heart and mind.

Romans 7:22–23 (ESV)

22 For I delight in the law of God, in my inner being, 23 but I see in my members another law waging war against the law of my mind and making me captive to the law of sin that dwells in my members.

Galatians 5:17 (ESV)
For the desires of the flesh are against the Spirit, and the desires of the Spirit are against the flesh, for these are opposed to each other, to keep you from doing the things you want to do.

But praise God for Romans 8:1-11 and Galatians 5:18!  What a wonderful God that loves me!

The running continues...

I went for a shorter run today, with plans to do some strength training afterward.  Today's run, a 2-miler, was quick and relatively easy.  I breezed through it in 16ish minutes (it was probably a little less than two miles).  I did not cramp up and my legs did not get tired.  I returned home and went on with some strength exercises and that was it.

In reflecting on it just now, I realized that I prefer the longer runs.  I prefer the ones when I get exhausted, cramped up, legs tired, and wanting to quit.  I prefer the longer time, as opposed to 'blink' and it is over.  Seems crazy, right?  It probably is, but let me explain.

Last Sunday I went for a run.  It was probably my hardest one yet, physically and mentally.  The day was dreary and I was not in the mood.  I did not want to go, but I made myself anyway.  And to make matters worse (or so it seemed) I left my iPod at home (to help me get used to its absence for the upcoming 5K).  So out I went, and I pushed myself, hard.  I kept up my pace, not letting myself slow down like last time.  I even jogged in place at the stoplights.  I did not want to stop to walk unless I absolutely had to.

It all actually turned out quite well, but to one thing I must attribute my improvement and success.  The difference in that particular run was that I tried to be very conscious of God and the fact that he was with me.  I prayed (when I was not distracted).  And when I got distracted by thoughts of slowing down or walking, I just started praising him, literally clapping up praises because whatever insufficiency I was feeling, God was still soooo awesome.  So the more tired I got, the more I praised him.  Knowing and acknowledging that he was there with me encouraged me.  Remembering and praising his goodness encouraged me.  It was awesome!

But it took the wasting of me to turn to him.  So I conclude:  I prefer longer runs, because the struggle points me back to God and the best way to make it through is to praise him.  I prefer longer runs because it empties me and fills me with him.  :)  What a wonderful thought!

Ever thought about what it takes to get to a spiritual high?

I went for a run the other day (as I often do).  I was running up a bridge and was thinking about how it takes a lot of hard work to get up the bridge, yet going down always feels so easy.  Somehow my brain made a similarity to the spiritual life.

In the Christian life we sometimes identify certain events or periods as "spiritual highs".  These are times when we feel close to God.  We can hear him clearly and seem to just "do the right things".  We are living the way we were meant to and loving it.  It is a time like that retreat you went to as a youth.  For the entire weekend you escaped the spiritual oppression from the world.  Those pressures and distractions were minuscule.  Everybody around you was trying to grow in their faith and relationship with Jesus.  It was a rich environment for you to clear your head and get things straight.  You grew in your faith and maybe even felt like God was giving you direction for part of your life.  You were on top of the spiritual world and felt like nothing could get you down.

But remember a few weeks after that, when you really messed up with your parents.  And the direction God gave you was not so clear anymore - did he really tell you to do that?  The world had crept back in and fogged up your sights once again.  You no longer felt so close to God and your relationship with him was just...well...hard.

So what does all this have to do with running up and down a bridge?

As I was running up that bridge I thought, "the top is like a spiritual high."  A second later I thought, "but it takes so much effort to get to the top, and it is so easy to run down the bridge."  And there it was.

It takes a lot of effort to get to a spiritual high.  It may take planning, rescheduling, facing persecution, traveling, isolation - any number of things.  It is hard work and tiring, and sometimes you may feel like quitting even before you get to the top.

But the view is astounding!  Getting to the top is so rewarding.  That day I was runing, I saw a dolphin - how cool!  I could see boats, cars, buildings and all sorts of things for miles around.  It can be a great way to see the big picture, which often helps guide our plans and actions.  But the best part is just the experience of feeling like you are closer to God - it just seems more real.

Just beware.  Before I knew it, I had breezed down the bridge and once I hit the flat ground my feet felt heavy again - heavier than before.  Sometimes it does not take long to come down from a spiritual high - it is often so easy you do not notice you are descending...until you plateau.  Then it seems like a struggle, harder than before.  You may even have lots of doubts.  Did I really see that dolphin?  Was that boat really that close?  The big picture may become skewed and you may start to doubt the things you learned, what you heard God say, or the guidance you received.  Weeks or months later you may even find yourself wondering, "Did I really run that bridge?"

So work hard to get to the top and be attentive to the descent.  Record things during your spiritual highs so you can refute the doubts when they come.  (Just like this picture shows that I really was at the top.)

 Journals are a great way to record your thoughts and prayers, lessons you learned and what you felt like God was saying to you.

And one more thought.  I think ahead to how I want to keep ascending that bridge (and training for my 5K).  I may not have been able to run the entire way up the bridge the first time, but as I continue to train I will be able to run the entire ascent, it will get easier and I will be able to make regular visits to the top.  So maybe those principles transfer to the spiritual life as well, not necessarily that you will have spiritual highs more often, but that experiencing a closer relationship with God becomes more natural and regular.

New faith challenge

So I have been working on a lesson I want to (and will) teach to the middle school students in my church's youth group. My faith, trust and dependence upon the Spirit are certainly being challenged to grow. The insufficiency that I find in my thoughts is that I do not know this passage of scripture well enough to teach it. "What if I am wrong? What if I am taking it out of context?" Because of these questions I feel I need to be an expert on this passage...and book....and entire Bible in order to feel confident that I am not taking in out of context and that I am keeping in line with the entirety of scripture. .....I have never felt so inadequate while preparing for a lesson. :\

But that may be an indicator that I am relying on myself. I know that I have the Holy Spirit within me, which is the mind of Christ. He knows the Word and all the truths of God and has the ability to reveal them to me, inspire me and correct me if need be. So I must trust the Spirit within me to guide me (and to guide my youth) into all truth and to teach all truth. I am doubting my own insufficiencies, which I think is healthy, because I am imperfect. But I am stuck there instead of turning my gaze to him and trusting that the Spirit within me makes up for my insufficiencies and inspires my lesson with all truth.

::sigh:: I love these gentle, quiet lessons from God. :)

Breakthrough

Here is a conversation I had with God today. I thought I would share it because 1) I love to show how God is working – I just get so excited when he works in me, I can’t help but share, and 2) I thought maybe you needed to hear it too, and know that you are not alone in this struggle.

The blue is me, the purple is God, and the black is a song that God put it on my heart to which to listen – obviously to help my thoughts.

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Lord, I am burdened.

I do not see your will and have begun to take on the decision myself. What shall I do?

I’ve come to your Word in hopes of finding some guidance.

Terror will be far removed; it will not come near you. If anyone does attack you, it will not be my doing; whoever attacks you will surrender to you. (Isaiah 54:14b-15, italics added)

I resisted my attacker, the devil, and I feel that he is gone.

For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways, declares the Lord. As the heavens are higher than the earth so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts. (Isaiah 55:8-9)

I do not think like you God. I know this full well. Yet I began to rely on my thinking and human rationalization to make this decision. But that is not how you think. I became discouraged and felt that I cannot do it. But that’s it…because, I can’t. But with your strength, I can. I don’t see your plan, I don’t see the possibility of it, but I trust and have faith that you can do it.

My mom kept telling me that I am on the edge of my breakthrough. God, I don’t want to be stuck here any longer, I want to break through. It’s either my way or your way. Mine is comfortable and easier, I feel I could do it. Yours is overwhelming and will be hard – a lot of work and not much rest…

If you keep your feet from breaking the Sabbath and from doing as you please on my holy day, if you call the Sabbath a delight and the Lord’s holy day honorable, and if you honor it by not going your own way and not doing as you please or speaking idle words, then you will find your joy in the Lord, and I will cause you to ride on the heights of the land and to feast on the inheritance of your father Jacob. (Isaiah 58:13-14)

…but I know that rest in you is all I need. If I keep holy your Sabbath I can soar through the week and be satisfied in all my needs, feasting even. Though I must be careful of what I do, for I am learning what a true Sabbath is and that it’s not me chilling and doing as I please. I must not go my own way or dismiss things I said I would do – which I have done in the past. Your Word says that your rest will be enough to get me through. I am trying to trust that and let go of my anxious hesitation and human ideas.

Your plan is a bigger step of faith. One to which you may have called me, and if so, this would be my crisis of belief. That being the case, I must step out of the boat and believe that I will not sink, that you will not let me sink – fail. A friend said that I can’t make a wrong decision if it is made in faith. She said you will give me grace either way I choose.

Oh God, I want to break through! I want to move forward, move deeper, trust you more. But I am so scared of sinking.

I want to trust you.

Why can’t I trust you, why is it so hard?

I want to say I will do it…but then I hesitate to dive in.

Here I am in this familiar place again
Standing on the shore of my complacency
Ankle deep in love I once was swimming in
Shallowness has taken over me

But the current pulls the sand
And moves my stubborn feet
From the dryness of the land
To where the wave pound over me

CHORUS:
Take me deep enough where I can see
The bottom of Your heart
Deep enough that I can know Your will
Deep enough to know that we
Will never be apart
And when I get there
Take me deeper still

Take me through the wonders of Your faithfulness
Help me see the depth of my own need
Lead me to the water where Your mercy is
For You and You alone can set me free

I am covered by Your grace surrounded
Far away from shore
As/and You’re taking me to places
I have never been before

CHORUS

I want to drown in the water
I want to drown in Your truth
Take me all the way under
Where I have to trust in You

CHORUS

[“Deeper Still” Scott Krippayne]

My complacency – I’ve been leaning a lot on my own strength rather than yours. Shallowness has definitely taken over me – we used to be so close. Rip tides are scary and pounding waves aren’t pleasant to endure, but if that’s what it takes to bring me back into your ocean, that is where I want to be. I may not know which way is up, but will it matter if I’m surrounded by your love? Rip me away from this life I’ve been living, I’m finding it hard to let go of the dry land that has become so comfortable. Only you can set me free. I’ve never been here before, but what’s so great about where I’m at now – I want more of you. I want to drown in the water, drown in your truth. But I’ve got to trust in you.

I am not saying this because I am in need, for I have learned to be content whatever the circumstances. I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want. I can do everything through him who gives me strength. (Philippians 4:11-13)

I can do it.

B R E A K T H R O U G H !

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So for you friends that are reading this, please keep me encouraged when I get down and want to quit. Keep me accountable in keeping my Sabbath, as will be so necessary. I guess this is that to which I was looking forward – what God was going to do this semester. Exciting as it is, I didn’t think it would be this sort of challenge, I thought it would be pleasant…but then I wouldn’t grow as much would I. I would much rather have this.

Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day. For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen. For what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal. (2 Corinthians 4:16-18)

Rainbow blessings

I took a bike ride out to a favorite spot of mine, where I like to go to be alone with God. It was beautiful outside. The temperature was comfortable, the sun was bright, but setting, so it was a soft light, and the sky was blue with white clouds. The pond that I overlooked was still, looking like glass, perfectly reflecting the trees on the other side. I wrote in my journal, then sat there singing love songs to Him. I began to see little circles of ripples all over the pond, like when it rains. I didn't feel any drops hitting me, but I saw a little rain cloud coming. I wasn't concerned. I just continued to sit and enjoy God's show. After a while I began to feel the drops, but they weren't much. They were cool and fresh upon my skin. It reminded me of how God uses the rain to wash the earth and make it clean. I felt like he was washing me too, hehe. : P Then it began to rain harder and I stood up to ride away so I wouldn't get soaked. In a moment, I thought, "Why should I leave? I won't make it to shelter in time, so what's the difference. Why rush away from God's blessing?" I sat back down and got comfortable, enjoying the sound of the rain drops popping on the surface of the pond. I could feel the different sizes of the raindrops as they fell, dropping bigger and harder. Then, they lightened up again. Another small cloud passed and I thanked God for the cool, refreshing wash. As it began to lighten up and pass ahead of me, I thought, "Maybe I'll see a rainbow - I've got the right angle and the sun is shining." A few minutes later the colors began to show up. It started at the right side and after a while, it was a full rainbow stretching across the sky. Such a beautiful sight! I continued to notice something peculiar about the rainbow, however, that I never noticed about rainbows before. The rainbow seemed to form a dome of sorts, inside of which the rain fell. Outside of the rainbow you could see the blue sky and white clouds, but as your eyes passed over the colors, to the interior, the sky became blocked by the wall of rain, giving it a gray look. "How peculiar," I thought.

I thought about the beauty of rainbows and how people get so excited when they see one. Then I thought about life and how rainbows can signify something good and pleasant - a good day or season of life, blessings, healing. But it takes rain to make rainbows, which in life is never fun. Rain often makes me think of hard times, with tears and pain, and unpleasant things. When you are in the rainstorm all you see is the gray sky and all you feel is the rain beating on your skin, often getting cold and unhappy. We often times can't see the blue sky beyond the clouds or the rainbow that could be hovering above our shower. But as time passes, and the storm moves on, we begin to see the beauty that results from the storm, the good, the blessings, the healing. Only after the rain cloud travels a distance can you see the rainbow.

So if you feel like you're in a storm right now, hold on tight. With the Son shining there is a rainbow of promise hovering above you, you just can't see it right now. Keep holding on, enjoy the cool cleansing flow, bask in His downpour of care. He doesn't want you to stay dirty forever, he wants to clean up His child. Sit tight knowing that your good Father is lovingly and tenderly washing your dirt away, just like your mother once did when you were young. Once the storm passes, then you'll see God's great blessing to you.

The rainbow is sure worth the rain.

Sisterhood

I just returned from a Women's Discovery Weekend retreat with my home church. It was great. I think the biggest thing God showed me, is what it is like to have big sisters. I've been the big sister for so long, supporting others, and I've never felt the other end of it - being supported by a big sister. It was such a breath of fresh air.