I shall come forth as gold

Thunder rolls, the dogs stand up looking a little worried.  Emergency vehicle sirens ring out as the smell of fresh summer rain fills my nose.  There is a lot on my mind as I eat my banana with peanut butter and honey.  These cloudy, thundery, rainy moments seem to foster pausing life for reflection.

I woke up this morning on the "wrong side of the bed".  I think I had been dreaming about a Friday workout with Trinity Fitness.  Friday is the day when we share prayer requests at the gym.  I awoke and my first thought was about a concern of mine.  This concern has been on my heart for a long while, but recently I have thought about sharing it with my workout buddies.  I guess that is how my dream was going.

It was a difficult start to the day.  It makes for one of those days when you have to force yourself to do almost everything because you just don't care.  I searched some scripture for a little pick me up.  I got a little as I read that Jesus will be coming back one day.  I got dressed and rode off to the gym wishing it were Friday so I could share what was on my heart.  I knew that working out would be tough mentally; I usually do not have much mental endurance with this kind of weight on my mind and heart.

I walk in to find lots of equipment, a pretty big group, and a hard looking workout on the board.  Another discouraging thought, "wow, this looks hard."  It must have shown on my face because one of the women said I looked worried.

Mentally and physically I would say that I have strength.  I am strong enough to often lift the prescribed weight and stand up to whatever difficulty/discouragement comes my way.  But mentally and physically, I do not have much endurance.  I can do push ups on my toes, but can barely make it to 20 before dropping to my knees for the remaining reps.  Mentally, I think I give up too soon or think less of myself than of what I am capable.  Physically, I could probably do more, but because I cannot take the strain mentally, I take a break or go with lighter weight.  It does not help when I have the added burden of life concerns on my mind; then the weight is just too much to bear.

I know it is at these points I need Jesus - to rely on his strength and hope in him.  I am not sure that I have quite figured out how to completely let go of trying on my own to letting him be my source of strength.

As I was running the last stretch of the last part of the workout, Job 23:10 came to mind.  "When he has tested me, I shall come forth as gold."  It made me think of the heat of the fire that gold must go through to be purified.  I was hot.  Summer has come quickly here in Melbourne and with the heat and humidity I was extremely sweaty and needed water.  I wanted to quit and just walk.  But I thought about my gold, how I want to come out purified as gold after all the heat and testing.  It gave me the extra umph to keep going and to finish well.

Likewise, I know these tough times in life turn up the heat to purify me even more and I will come forth purified, as gold, when the fire is over.  And that is where my hope is, that there is a higher purpose for this pain and it starts and ends with God, and is all for his glory.  :)  Such a wonderful thing to cling to my Savior!

Catching you up.

There have been so many times that I have wanted to come on here and blog.  God has been doing so much in my life and has been teaching me so much.  I really want to start blogging more regularly.  I guess I need to set aside time every couple days to do so.

Whenever I blog I always try to keep in mind the length, because I know that you do not have hours to read what I write.  So keeping that in mind, but wanting to unload the blog topics that have been building up in my mind, I have decided to write the short thoughts and not develop them (so this blog will seem all over the place).  Then I will try to blog more regularly so the topics do not build up again.

My 5K went well.  I had a few friends come with me so it was nice to be able to hang out with and celebrate with them.  It was fun and I reached a new personal best.  My goal was to finish in 30 minutes (about which I was very skeptical), and I finished in 29:42.  Woohoo!  Running with others sped up my pace a bit, and the excitement and adrenaline from the event kept me pumped up and distracted.  So the running was good, but I am not so sure I am crazy about running in races like that.  I wrote before about liking the longer, harder runs because they emptied me and pointed me to Jesus.  I cannot really attribute my great success in this race to my dependence on Christ; I was more dependent on my adrenaline.  So whether I do another one or not I have not decided.  The good thing that came out of it was motivation to run that far on my own, and thus emptying me and pointing me to Christ.  So, we will see.

Of the family with whom I am currently living there is a boy in high school.  They just had their prom last weekend and were talking about it on Monday.  The boy was saying how of the people that he had interacted with that day, about 47% of them were talking about having sex after prom.  : O  4 7 %  Ugh, it just makes my heart drop to hear the saddened state of our high schools these days.  And if that is not bad enough, it just pumps up my desire to be doing ministry with Student Venture.  If I am not careful with it I can quickly get frustrated with God for "taking so long" to bring enough partners onto my team so that I can get out on the front lines.  Sometimes it is so hard to keep myself in check.  But I cannot save the world and there are people already out there whom God is using.  So I guess I can wait until he is ready for me (or until I am ready) to get out on the field.

I am currently reading through Judges...and it is aWeSoMe!  Previously I was struggling to get through the Old Testament.  I had the wrong perspective.  My goal was to get through it just to get through it.  Once I changed my perspective to seek to learn about God it became not only tolerable, but pleasurable and desireable.  Now I am excited each night as I climb in bed for my "story time".  Reading through Old Testament stories and looking at what, how and why God is doing is teaching me/reminding me a lot about God but also bringing up some questions.  Like last night, I read that God sent an evil spirit between to Abimelech and the leaders of Shechem (Judges 9:23).  How could God do that, does that not contradict with his goodness?  Things like that I just do not understand about God.

Well, that is probably enough for now, but be looking for more posts coming soon!  : )

The running continues...

I went for a shorter run today, with plans to do some strength training afterward.  Today's run, a 2-miler, was quick and relatively easy.  I breezed through it in 16ish minutes (it was probably a little less than two miles).  I did not cramp up and my legs did not get tired.  I returned home and went on with some strength exercises and that was it.

In reflecting on it just now, I realized that I prefer the longer runs.  I prefer the ones when I get exhausted, cramped up, legs tired, and wanting to quit.  I prefer the longer time, as opposed to 'blink' and it is over.  Seems crazy, right?  It probably is, but let me explain.

Last Sunday I went for a run.  It was probably my hardest one yet, physically and mentally.  The day was dreary and I was not in the mood.  I did not want to go, but I made myself anyway.  And to make matters worse (or so it seemed) I left my iPod at home (to help me get used to its absence for the upcoming 5K).  So out I went, and I pushed myself, hard.  I kept up my pace, not letting myself slow down like last time.  I even jogged in place at the stoplights.  I did not want to stop to walk unless I absolutely had to.

It all actually turned out quite well, but to one thing I must attribute my improvement and success.  The difference in that particular run was that I tried to be very conscious of God and the fact that he was with me.  I prayed (when I was not distracted).  And when I got distracted by thoughts of slowing down or walking, I just started praising him, literally clapping up praises because whatever insufficiency I was feeling, God was still soooo awesome.  So the more tired I got, the more I praised him.  Knowing and acknowledging that he was there with me encouraged me.  Remembering and praising his goodness encouraged me.  It was awesome!

But it took the wasting of me to turn to him.  So I conclude:  I prefer longer runs, because the struggle points me back to God and the best way to make it through is to praise him.  I prefer longer runs because it empties me and fills me with him.  :)  What a wonderful thought!

Ever thought about what it takes to get to a spiritual high?

I went for a run the other day (as I often do).  I was running up a bridge and was thinking about how it takes a lot of hard work to get up the bridge, yet going down always feels so easy.  Somehow my brain made a similarity to the spiritual life.

In the Christian life we sometimes identify certain events or periods as "spiritual highs".  These are times when we feel close to God.  We can hear him clearly and seem to just "do the right things".  We are living the way we were meant to and loving it.  It is a time like that retreat you went to as a youth.  For the entire weekend you escaped the spiritual oppression from the world.  Those pressures and distractions were minuscule.  Everybody around you was trying to grow in their faith and relationship with Jesus.  It was a rich environment for you to clear your head and get things straight.  You grew in your faith and maybe even felt like God was giving you direction for part of your life.  You were on top of the spiritual world and felt like nothing could get you down.

But remember a few weeks after that, when you really messed up with your parents.  And the direction God gave you was not so clear anymore - did he really tell you to do that?  The world had crept back in and fogged up your sights once again.  You no longer felt so close to God and your relationship with him was just...well...hard.

So what does all this have to do with running up and down a bridge?

As I was running up that bridge I thought, "the top is like a spiritual high."  A second later I thought, "but it takes so much effort to get to the top, and it is so easy to run down the bridge."  And there it was.

It takes a lot of effort to get to a spiritual high.  It may take planning, rescheduling, facing persecution, traveling, isolation - any number of things.  It is hard work and tiring, and sometimes you may feel like quitting even before you get to the top.

But the view is astounding!  Getting to the top is so rewarding.  That day I was runing, I saw a dolphin - how cool!  I could see boats, cars, buildings and all sorts of things for miles around.  It can be a great way to see the big picture, which often helps guide our plans and actions.  But the best part is just the experience of feeling like you are closer to God - it just seems more real.

Just beware.  Before I knew it, I had breezed down the bridge and once I hit the flat ground my feet felt heavy again - heavier than before.  Sometimes it does not take long to come down from a spiritual high - it is often so easy you do not notice you are descending...until you plateau.  Then it seems like a struggle, harder than before.  You may even have lots of doubts.  Did I really see that dolphin?  Was that boat really that close?  The big picture may become skewed and you may start to doubt the things you learned, what you heard God say, or the guidance you received.  Weeks or months later you may even find yourself wondering, "Did I really run that bridge?"

So work hard to get to the top and be attentive to the descent.  Record things during your spiritual highs so you can refute the doubts when they come.  (Just like this picture shows that I really was at the top.)

 Journals are a great way to record your thoughts and prayers, lessons you learned and what you felt like God was saying to you.

And one more thought.  I think ahead to how I want to keep ascending that bridge (and training for my 5K).  I may not have been able to run the entire way up the bridge the first time, but as I continue to train I will be able to run the entire ascent, it will get easier and I will be able to make regular visits to the top.  So maybe those principles transfer to the spiritual life as well, not necessarily that you will have spiritual highs more often, but that experiencing a closer relationship with God becomes more natural and regular.