The Woods of Solitude

Technology robs us of silence,

of solitude.

Convenience becomes an intrusion.

The noise keeps us shallow and prevents us from being taken to the depths.
And the depths cry louder.
We become uncomfortable.
We hush their cries with the noise of technology –
we numb the longing for deep connection
with the convenience of quick, shallow communication.
We scramble to fill
only to realize we are becoming more empty.
 
Solitude.
We break the vicious cycle and sit in silence.
Silence.
It is uncomfortable.
All the voices of desire,
all the groanings too deep for words
begin to rise.
We are scared.
We want more noise!
to hide the fear,
to distract from the pain of longings unfulfilled.
But we press on in stillness.
As the silence grows and our minds become calm,
our soul emerges from hiding,
like a wild beast emerging from the brush because
we finally stopped traipsing through the forest.
Sitting quietly by a tree
we finally realize how our crashing through the forest of our lives
kept our wild souls in hiding.
But in quiet, in solitude,
We invite our souls to be seen,
to be heard.
Then we begin to hear –
the longings of our soul
the hopes
the dreams.
We are reminded of who we really are
and who we really want to be.
The emotions rise –
            sadness
            fear
            regret
            disgust
who we are is not who we really want to be!
And what we have is not really what we want.
We sit in our sadness from the discrepancies between our heart and lives.
Silence.
 
And then we hear it –
a new voice
a voice not our own,
a voice of promise
a voice of hope.
We can be fulfilled and satisfied!
But this new way,
this life
is so much different than what I look like on the outside…
I become discouraged,
I fear the shame
of so much change.
But then the voice speaks love.
Love,
acceptance,
patience.
My heart floods with sadness and joy as I realize that is what I wanted all along!
My constant searching through technology,
my constant busyness and noise,
and yet here
in the silence
and the uncomfortable solitude
is where I have found the deepest longing of my heart.
 
I am so glad I went here.
I am so glad I stopped here.
I have peace,
and joy.
I smile.

JOLTED by the obnoxious intrusion of my phone’s ‘ding’ and vibration,

I jump from the tree where I found solitude…and love.
My wild soul goes running into hiding as I keep running through the woods.
Remembering what just happened,
almost as if it were a dream,
I pause and look back to that tree.
“I’ll be back soon.” I whisper with a smile.
Then I turn and keep running.

[This poem was inspired by my readings in Sacred Rhythms by Ruth Haley Barton]

A Child in God's Family...a prayer

Heavenly Father, I am a child in your family.  I have entered your family by regeneration.  I have faith because your Spirit opened my heart to your Word.  I have been born again because your son died my first death.

I am adopted into your family - treated as an adult and given privileges in your family.  I have food and nourishment - your Word.  I am rich!  I have access to your wealth, and I can use it, for your glory.  I am rich with your grace, mercy, glory, wisdom, and goodness.  I have brothers and sisters with whom to share life - to be excited together about your glory and purpose and to encourage each other toward that glory and purpose.  Though we may speak different languages or look different or live far away, we have a lot in common - life in Jesus, love for Jesus, and concern for the world to know Jesus.  In our relationships we love, submit, encourage, care for, forgive and edify each other.  When we were born into your family, we got to throw away our old wardrobe, dirty and tattered.  In your grace, you lavished upon us a wardrobe of righteousness.  Instead of wearing out, these garments are continually renewed and strengthened so we look more and more like you!  And the best part is that this is only the beginning - what a future we have ahead of us!

As part of the family, we each have a unique purpose.  You want a big family and we have the great opportunity to welcome others into the family.  When we are united with your Spirit and with each other, we help others come to know you as Father too.  Then, as big brothers and sisters, we help each other grow and mature.  And then we live happily ever after (for realz for once, not like the movies).

Heavenly Father, thank you for bringing me into your family.

[This prayer is a reflection of my reading in:  Wiersbe, W. W. (1996). Be what you are:  12 intriguing pictures of the Christian from the New Testament.  Wheaton IL:  Tyndale House.]

Weekend Revelations

So it is finally coming together in my mind and I think reaching my heart as well.

Chapter 7 in Traveling Light by Max Lucado, I read a perspective that has become ingrained in my thinking and has been working on my heart - in a good way.

We ask God, "Where is the path?  Where are you taking me?"  And he, like the guide, doesn't tell us.  Oh, he may give us a hint or two, but that's all.  If he did, would we understand?  Would we comprehend our location?  No, like the traveler, we are unacquainted with this jungle.  So rather than give us an answer, Jesus gives us a far greater gift.  He gives us himself.

...everything changes when your rescuer appears.  Your loneliness diminishes, because you have fellowship.  Your despair decreases, because you have vision.  Your confusion begins to lift, because you have direction.  Please note:  you have not left the jungle.  It hasn't changed, but you have...because you have hope...because you have met someone that can lead you out. ...Jesus doesn't give us hope by changing the jungle; he restores our hope [by changing us].

And that is what God has been doing in me, restoring my hope by changing me.  (I did not even realize how hopeless I felt.)  What I have learned:

The destination is not the point or the goal, and not even the journey is the point or goal, but Jesus is - Jesus is the goal, the prize...and I have already attained that.  :)

My jungle is developing my team of ministry partners, being unclear as to what step to take next, and not knowing how or when I will ever reach my dream of doing full time minsitry.  This jungle may seem like a period of waiting - waiting for the day of which I dream - but it is a period of walking with my LORD, as is all of life.  I do not want to be looking forward so much that I miss what he has for me right now, that I miss more precious time with him.  He is my hope amidst the jungle, and even if I am "lost" in this "jungle" for a prolonged period of time, I have already been found in the most important way - by my Hope, my Guide - and so long as I am with him, that is all that matters - I have all I need and am not truly lost.

Bottom line:  Life's value is not defined by our actions, but rather, by our relationships.  Living is not constantly looking toward the future; living is enjoying and taking part in the present.

MPD like Israel's wanderings

I'm reading Deuteronomy. Could it be that ministry partner
development (MPD) is like this wandering in the wilderness? God is
certainly leading and frequently humbling me and others during this
process. I certainly feel that my faith and heart is being tested,
whether I will walk in his ways or my own.
It seems like it to me...just thought I would share.

"What do you want the Lord to do for you?"

I opened My Upmost for His Highest and ran across that question for the title for February 29th. Something in me would not let me move on to March 1st, but to consider that question. So I skimmed Oswald's thoughts and got stuck on the 'supernatural' idea. "What do I want God to do supernaturally in my life?" became the question to answer. I knew immediately the answer - I want to reach my full support goal by June 4th. In addition to and as a result of that, I want to staff Getaway and then take IBS classes the following four weeks. Then, for the rest of my summer I can work on more ministry partner development until the team returns and I start my training for Student Venture ministry. I know the Bible warns us about making our own plans, and all of these desires I state in a heart of surrender, with the attitude of "if the Lord wills" (James 4:13-15). I cannot do it on my own - I must have God act supernaturally in my life and in my world, but that (and more) is what I am asking of him. I ask you to join with me in praying for this.

Suffering

Hebrews 5:8-9 "Although he was a son, he learned obedience through what he suffered. And being made perfect..."

This is the second time now, in Hebrews, I've come across this idea of sanctification through suffering. It first came in Hebrews 2:10 (11-18), "For it was fitting that he [God] ... should make the founder of their salvation perfect through suffering." Even Jesus had to be made perfect through suffering. How much more do we have to suffer to be made perfect?! If we are to be like Jesus, then we must suffer. I guess this is what Paul understood and meant when he said, "that I may know him and the power of his resurrection, and may share his sufferings, becoming like him in his death, that by any means possible I may attain the resurrection from the dead" (Philippians 3:10-11). "That by any means possible" - wow, Paul was willing to do ANYTHING to attain resurrection from the dead!

I wish I had the same attitude. That would definitely make suffering more endurable, or I would look at it completely different - as gain, like Paul did, and not as loss, like I do.

And he explains in other verses, such as Philippians 1:29, "For it has been granted to you that for the sake of Christ you should not only believe in him but also suffer for his sake" and again in Philippians 3:8, "Indeed, I count everything as loss because of the surpassing worth of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord. For his sake I have suffered the loss of all things and count them as rubbish in order that I may gain Christ." In Philippians 1:29, Paul makes it sound like suffering for Christ is a gift counted along with faith. Incredible, suffering a gift! And in Philippians 3:7-11, Paul goes so far as to say that his gain - what he had not suffered - he thought of as loss. He willingly suffered the loss of things so that he could have Christ, only Christ. He gave up everything in which he could take pride! This really strikes a cord in me. I do not want to give up good things just to suffer. I want to hold tightly to the good I have - I do as if it were my life. But Oh to have Paul's and Jesus' humility and surrender, to let go of all I hold dear to free my hands to take hold of Christ, to let go of whatever good I perceive to take hold of the only thing I know to be truly good at all times - Jesus. He is always good, and though I may suffer the loss of many things, at least I can be sure that I would not suffer the loss of the most precious thing - Jesus.

There is so much more about suffering about which I could write. Like 1 Peter, that I recently read - the entire letter is about suffering and hope in the midst of suffering, or Jesus' own words on suffering, such as in Matthew 10:16-33. I have only scratched the surface.

The cross was for God first?

"Am I excited about the cross because there God makes much of me, or am I excited about the cross because there I was purchased and freed to enjoy making much of the righteousness and the glory that is vindicated there, for me to see forever and ever? ... It is so liberating because I cease to be the foundation of my salvation. Rather the infinite worth of the righteousness of of God becomes the basis of my salvation. God's unswerving allegiance to uphold and to vindicate his glory for my enjoyment, is the foundation of my salvation. ... When God's exaltation of God in Christ is your joy, when God's exaltation of God in Christ at the cross is your joy, your joy can never fail."

Click here if you want to listen to the whole message and meditate on it yourself. Following is a very poor attempt to regurgitate Piper's message for you in briefer form and some of my reflections.

In this message, John Piper juxtaposes two "mindsets." By "mindset" he means mindset, emotional set, attitude set - a set all inclusive of our selves and our attitudes, which determines the way we view, respond to, and feel about the world - it is an orientation to the world. These two mindsets are the Biblical mindset and the secular mindset. The latter is one that begins with man, measuring all things by humanity, while the former begins with God, measuring everything by God. The one that you employ will determine everything you think and feel about everything, and Piper's message here is specific to the cross of Christ - what is the problem God is trying to solve in the sending and bruising of his son? Piper uses Romans 3 as his text for this message and speaks about God's righteousness.

"This was to show God’s righteousness, because in his divine forbearance he had passed over former sins. 26 It was to show his righteousness at the present time, so that he might be just and the justifier of the one who has faith in Jesus." Romans 3:25-26

There we see the answer - This was to show God's righteousness. The problem was that his righteousness needed showing, because he had passed over former sins.

Whoa. Take that in for a second. He had passed over former sins. So why is that a problem? God is being kind and that's a problem?

YES. God's righteousness would have gone down the tubes, so to speak, if he had not judged and convicted all of those sins he once "passed over." All would fall apart! By passing over our sin, God would be agreeing with our exchanging the glory of God for other things - the low value of his glory.

So Jesus came and was bruised so that God could glorify himself? Boy, that sounds egotistical, right? Maybe, but Piper argues that God's self exaltation is loving. And here we return to where we started.

When God's exaltation of God in Christ is your joy, when God's exaltation of God in Christ at the cross is your joy, your joy can never fail.

The cross was for God's sake, then ours. And it is for our sake because our joy is (or should be) in the worth and righteousness of God. *sigh* That's still a lot to take in. And the bottom line? It may be evident - it's all about God (the Biblical mindset).

So am I excited about the cross because there God makes much of me, or am I excited about the cross because there God makes much of himself? Oh, how so many view the former - the prideful, self-centered "gospel," and I admit to often being one who has held that view. I am prideful, and God, the past 6 months or so, has been revealing just how prideful and self-centered I am. The problem is that we often reduce the Gospel to a means to pump up our self esteem. Here in America it's all about how much good we feel about ourselves, especially for women, and there are always new confidence boosters and builders to self-esteem. But what's it worth, and more importantly, is it really working? I say no! When we base the cross on us we demean it's power and worth and validity. When we base the cross on us, our need for salvation, we ruin it for ourselves, especially our self-esteem. Because one day when we have a down moment, we realize we are not worthy of such sacrifice, and then it doesn't make sense to us and our self-esteem no longer has a basis. In reality, we have never been and never will be worth that sacrifice! But God's righteousness was worth it and it is to our benefit - to find life and love in God upholding his worth and glory and righteousness. AND THIS IS WHY our joy can NEVER be destroyed because God IS righteous and glorious and ALWAYS worthy. And our identity is in him and from him, and that should be from where we derive our confidence, our "self"-esteem - from God - God-confidence, God-esteem.

I could probably blabber on in circles with my unedited thoughts but I will spare you, hoping that this is plenty about which to ponder. Maybe when it has settled more in my mind and heart I will write further.

My new book journey

So I've had this book sitting on my bookshelf a couple of months and have wanted to read it since I got it. The rain was falling yesterday afternoon as I was preparing to take Emily to the airport and the gloominess gave me this strong desire to curl up and read a book. I was standing next to my bookshelf and this one book just kept pulling at me, but I walked downstairs to get ready to go. Almost ready to go, my mind returned to the thought that after I dropped her off I could just go somewhere and read for a little bit before returning to life. I thought of the book and couldn't resist running upstairs one more time to get the book, on the off chance that I decided to stop and read

Flash forward a little: I can't find a good place aside from home to read, so I just decide to go home and park it on the living room couches - the most comfy couches in the whole house, and some of the most comfy in which I've ever sat. The living room was not as quiet as I wanted but I trusted that if I were focused enough the TV would not bother me. On the way home the desire to journal had been growing. So I sat down and wrote a little to Jesus, using this book as a sort of writing surface. In the middle of a train of thought I played with the bead on the bookmark I had earlier placed in the book for use once I had read some. All of a sudden my current thoughts were interrupted by an idea. Whether it is from God or not, and whether that even matters, I don't know. I do know that the more I read about this book and what others say about it, I get more and more excited to journey through it. But I know it has the potential to be a hard journey for me and I would love for someone to go with me. My thought was, "I could read this through with someone else," and I got excited at that thought. Then as I read through some of the preliminary stuff, that idea of reading through it with someone else was confirmed. Brian McLaren says of this book, "[it] is a treasure to be read slowly and with your closest friends." The book is titled To Be Told by Dan Allender. My counselor gave it to me at the end of our time together and I'm really excited to read more about some of the principles she said she got from this book. I'll probably take it slowly as I usually need time to process these things (and I'm busy and I don't have a lot of time to read more books - I struggle just to read the ones for class. But this is important enough for me to make time for it in my schedule). I'm hoping it will change my life as I journey through it.