Internship tomorrow!

Well, tomorrow starts my senior internship. I am so excited to be at the same school at which I was last semester. It is a wonderful school and I love the students I got to know last semester. I also love that it is close enough that I can ride my bike there. I don't know yet if I will be with the same teacher, though that would be awesome because I really like her students. It is crazy to believe I will be graduating in May. *sigh* What a journey this has been...and yet there is so much more to come.

From then until now

The past five months I have been in a valley, moving in and out of the shadows. The brief moments of sunshine have been providing the joy for me to continue in perseverance. I hope that this semester I will finally walk out of this valley of struggling with my past.

Christmas Conference with Crusade was a sweet time of vacation, fellowship, and renewal. I had my interview for joining staff with Campus Crusade for Christ and today submitted the first part of the application. I now have 22 pages of forms to fill out about myself, so I shall soon be writing a book. I cringe at some parts of it because I must bring up the struggles that I have with certain sins. I know I'm not perfect, but I hate admitting it. I know they are not expecting me to be perfect, but I guess I expect better of me than what I am, and so I am slightly ashamed. Oh, if only I saw myself the way Jesus does.

School starts Thursday and my internship starts Monday. I'm ready for my days to get back to some regularity, though I hope that I do not fall prey to habit and compliance in my relationship with Jesus. I am still being prayerful about my money situation. Giving control to Jesus is so difficult, as I want to secure my own financial stability instead of relying on him. I have resolved to putting in some applications and leaving the rest up to him, and if necessary use money that I have saved to make it through until more money comes.


My group for the day of outreach during Christmas Conference. It was one of the best days of the conference, so influential. It was also a lot of fun getting to play with a few boys in the neighborhood; we really didn't want to leave.


A fun day of riding bikes with friends. This is when we stopped at a playground to rest and have our picnic lunches. Below are a couple of pictures of me showing off...they were so amazed, I found it amusing.



Bunny hop, yeah!

I'm done!

Whew! I can't believe it is finally over with. I got my paper finished in about an hour and it is amazing to be free of school for a while. And just like with last semester I'd like to take some time to reflect. If there's anything I'm learning from the college of education, it's reflectivity. I read somewhere that life isn't worth living if we don't reflect on it. That maybe extreme, but there's definitely some merit to the idea. I'll break it down again by domains.

Academically, this was my most challenging semester. It was rough. But I learned a lot, academically and about life. I learned much about educational psychology and English language learners, and a little about ethics and legal issues related to education. I also learned about the horrid inequalities that exist in our education system. Kozol's Savage Inequalities was eye opening and, I have to admit, I didn't want to continue reading it after the first few pages. It just broke my heart to read about the conditions in which some people live. It's worse than some third world countries, and it's here in America! Ugh, it just frustrates me. I also learned a lot about how to say no and set boundaries. It wasn't easy, but if I wanted to do my best and get good grades and really learn the material, I had to say no to just about everything except school. I said no to friends, fun, sleep, and too frequently I said no to spending time with God. I learned how to work hard and to keep working when everything in me didn't feel like it. I definitely notice a difference in my ability to persevere mentally. I learned how to be busy all day everyday until the weekend; then I was only busy most of the day everyday. : ) Rough as it was, it feels so good to have conquered it and to make it out alive and well. I don't think I would do it again, but I celebrate it and don't regret it in any way.

Emotionally, I didn't have much time to feel or reflect on my feelings so I can't tell you much about that. I started going to counseling and I'm glad I'm going. I was really unsure at first, but now, I'm glad. There's some things I need to work through. I'm not looking for the process and the emotional upheaval that will take place within me, but I really look forward to when it all settles back down. I'm excited to get to the end result and being more healthy emotionally.

Spiritually, it was good. Like I said, I did not spend much time with God, in my Bible, and just listening. I still talked, and am working on getting my prayer life back to where it was and where I want it. Even still, I think I grew so much closer to God. He blessed me all the time with school and really took care of me. Crusade is going through some changes right now and I'm so excited about it. I feel like we are finally starting on the right path, and he's pleased with the direction we're going. Sadly (that's another story) I'm not involved with the leadership this summer, but it's still in my heart. God has put that leading spirit in my heart and it's so cool to see how he's been telling me the same things he's been telling those who are on the leadership team. So even though I didn't spend much time in the Word, God still talked to me a lot, a lot.

I'm really excited to be done with school and to get on with the next things on my "To Do" list. I really can't wait to start exercising again. I am dying to get out on the court and play some basketball. Hanging out with friends is definitely a contributing factor to my excitement. I've felt so lonely this past semester and I can't wait to be around people again. Well, I know this is not well thought out and I probably forgot some things, but I'm going to play some b-ball before tonight.

Good day, great night!

So I had a good day today (technically yesterday, but whatever). Classes are over, although I still need to finish a paper and get it in ASAP. I still feel relief though, and I thank God for the second chance on the paper. I had an awesome conversation with a friend at lunch! It was just what I've been needing. Oh, it was great! Then, after my last exam, I skipped out on Cru to hang out with some awesome ladies. I haven't gone out and had fun like that in a while, like too long. We hit up the dollar theater and then the bowling alley. That's definitely what I needed after a semester like the one I've had. I think had forgotten what it was like to have genuine fun. Sadly. But I really look forward to hanging out more with these ladies. It's a nice break from the monotony that has become my life. Oh, God is good. I thank God for days like these when it's easy to praise him; they refresh me. So that's my blurb for the day. I can't wait to go hit up the basketball court. : ) I'm happy. What a wonderful God!

I can see it!

I can finally see the light at the end of the tunnel. Yesterday, I was planning out my assignments for the weekend. After I get these finished it will be all downhill from there. What a relief! Only two weeks left, I can't believe it and I can't wait either. Although, I will be far from free. After classes end I have so much I want to do before I leave for Australia. Fundraising, certification exams, and talking with family are the biggest tasks, but hanging out with friends is a must and a beach day would be nice too. Well, back to homework.

Praises and frustrations

Wow, a lot has been going on recently. School is really rough. I don't really understand what I'm doing wrong, but it's not going well. I wish God would tell me how to make it better.

As you can see from my last few posts, God has been telling me some cool things.

Support raising has been interesting. The first month the support flooded my mailbox. After I sent in the checks for my first deadline, it stopped. I didn't get any responses for a few weeks. Then I started to get a few. I'm not worried so much as I am confused and just wondering what God is doing (or what I'm doing wrong). On a better note, I received an email from our project director this week saying that he fiddled with the budget and now we only need to raise $4,200, a difference of $500. So, I guess my new goal is $4,600. With that new goal I am at 58% of my goal, with $1,920 to go. Amazing.

One of the tasks the project directors ask us to do is to write our testimony, memorize it, and then practice sharing it in a group setting, large or small. Well, I've worked on my testimony quite a bit, and actually just updated it recently. I've memorized it pretty well and practiced with friends over lunch or dinner. The practice was greatly needed. The first time I practiced with a friend was horrible. I kept stopping, messing up, laughing. It just took way too long to get through it, but I appreciate her patience with me. The following day I practiced two more times, and there was great improvements. Then, that night, I shared my testimony with our Summer Crusade meeting of about 100 people. Everyone said I did really well, my voice wasn't shaky and I had everybody's full attention. I feel good about it. I had class right beforehand, and as class was coming to a close I started to get nervous. Immediately I began to pray for God's peace. I placed it in His hands completely and rested in Him being in control. I put on some music as I walked across campus to get my mind of the nervousness and to help me keep praying. By the time Summer Cru started, I wasn't nervous at all. Praise God for hearing my prayer and answering me. It will be interesting to see if and how God will use it in the coming weeks. My prayer is that He use it to break down walls that people have built around their heart. Some of the things I said are taboo in the church and no one has ever really mentioned it at Crusade before. It was scary to be so vulnerable to judgment, but I know that ultimately God is my Judge and He sees me blameless and pure. At the same time, it was really exciting, because these are real issues that exist that need to be talked about and discussed. I hope that by my vulnerability those taboo barriers would be demolished. I want to see people freed from their pasts so they can worship God with their whole hearts and whole lives, not just the parts of which they are unashamed.

That night, Matt (our speaker), talked about what a disciple is. He said that a disciple finds their identity in Christ, and that that identity expresses itself in worship, community, and mission. I found it perfect, because the theme of my testimony is identity and how God has changed my identity. I could easily see in my life how my changed identity has impacted my worship, community, and mission. I hope others could have seen that concrete connection too.

But more than that, our church communities need some serious help. It's not a community at all. How many times do we run into someone and say that everything in our life is peachy keen, when in reality we are in a deep struggle with pain and/or sin. How can we welcome in broken strangers, when we are unwilling to be broken before each other, our brothers and sisters, family!? How can we expect strangers to come into our church bodies and be real with us when we are fake with each other? I freely share my testimony, first of all to praise God and give Him the glory, and secondly, to be real with my brothers and sisters. There is great encouragement that comes from knowing the struggles and weaknesses of others. We realize we are not alone. We can talk about our lives and experience healing. I praise God for the life that He has touched already by my testimony. There is too much judging that goes on in the church. That is why we are often fake, because we are afraid of judgment. If a member of the body is afraid of judgment, why do we even wonder why new people never come to church, they are just as afraid of that same judgment. We need to get off our high horses, admit our own faults and weaknesses, and welcome in those who don't know the forgiveness of God. It is not our place to judge, but it is our place to love like Jesus loved. It makes me so sick that people don't want to go to church because they think people would look down on them for their lifestyle and choices. Who do we think we are? The saddest part is that they are right. There are so many Christians who look down on others and think that they are so much better. Are they any better than the pharisees, whom looked down upon the "sinners?" We have such pride issues. I tell you the truth, that those who look down on others are worse off than those upon whom they look. We are a bunch of idol worshipers. And you know what that idol is? Ourselves. We meditate on ourselves and all that entails, rather than God and his goodness. Who cares if we are broken? I'm glad that I'm broken and I want to tell the world about it because all the more will God get the glory for fixing me. I think I better stop ranting now.

So as for prayer requests for me, please please please please please pray for whatever is going on this semester with school. Ask God to reveal to me what I need to be doing to be successful. Continue to pray that He provide financial and prayer partners for me and for those on my project. Also pray for the relationships I have in which God is working right now, a friend and classmates. I feel like we're on the brink of breakthrough in someone's life and am so anxious for Him to just hurry and get on with. I guess I need some more patience in waiting on His timing. One of my biggest struggles right now is giving up time on schoolwork in order to spend time on these relationships, which is one reason why school isn't going so well, because my work is not getting done like it should be. So frustrating. Pray for encouragement, because I am getting discouraged. Thanks.

Catching up on this past semester

So today was my first financial deadline for my Australia summer project. My personal goal was around $1850. I sent in around $2300. God is so amazing! Now, I am almost halfway to my total goal...halfway!

So school has been over with for almost a week and I have about another week before I start my three summer classes. Yeah, three, I'm crazy. Anyway, I'm not enjoying my "vacation" too much. I feel like I have sooooo much to do, and I already have homework. That's right, I already have homework! I can't believe it. Well, I guess I'll tell the long story...here it is from the "beginning." This past semester has been my most difficult thus far (and hopefully ever).

Emotionally, I felt like I was on a roller coaster. One day or hour I was bounding with happiness and joy, the next I was sulking with gloom. I realized that (and this is hard for me to admit) my battle with depression is not completely over (though there has been some progress, about which I will talk shortly). It mainly reflected whatever was going on with my mom, although there has been a lot more going on with my family, in general, that has been weighing upon my heart. I like to think of it as a line graph - overall a positive slope, but spiking up and down, all over the place. The inconsistency took a toll on me and I became very exhausted. Things seem to have leveled out for a bit. I had a good talk with my mom a few days ago. I got to cry in her arms and let go of so much that I had been holding in. It was such a relief and felt soooo good, even though it was scary at first. I feel like God put some more pieces of my heart back together. I know we are not out of this completely, but I have more hope onto which I can hold, to get me through the tough times ahead. I feel stronger and more ready to handle what comes. So finally, after all these years, God is taking the depression that plagued me and is replacing it with hope. Ahhh, what a good feeling it is!

Spiritually, I feel like I've been living two lives. In one, I got really involved with Crusade and enjoyed doing regular evangelism on campus, as well as some prayer. But at the same time, my own relationship with my Father wasn't doing so well. My quality, quiet times were few and far between. I really struggled to get much from reading His Word, though I found other books to be great resources. I've really enjoyed expanding my desire for reading for "pleasure", but I missed being fed by the Word. And in that same life, I failed to honor God with my school.

Academically, I did not do so well, though my grades may not show all of it (because God is so kind). God opened my eyes as to how lazy I was in regards to school. I struggled to do homework and often turned in assignments late or not done well. I am very disappointed in my behavior.

But God has shown me where I've gone wrong and I pray that I make the necessary changes before summer classes start. I will have three classes and no wiggle room for mistakes, much less anything else. God finally answered a question of mine, today, and told me that I have been keeping school and ministry separated (which is probably why I've done so poorly). Especially this past semester, I viewed school as an obstacle to what I really wanted. My perspective really needs to change before next Monday. He showed me that instead, I need to weave ministry through my everyday life, including school, and that school isn't an obstacle for ministry, but an opportunity. I don't really know where my sights got mixed up, but they definitely did. Slowly, I'm giving it to God. It is harder than I thought, I guess because I've been holding onto it for so long and it's just habit.

So this leads me to this coming semester. Like I said, I will have three classes, that's 24 scheduled hours of class a week, not to mention study time in addition to that. So as you can see I won't have any time for the prayer and evangelism I had hoped to start and continue. It's hard to let go of those desires and embrace the change that God has for me. (Man, where did I go wrong?! I'm realizing more and more how my focus has been all wrong, and usually on me, even though it seemed like it was on God.)

I guess God has been showing me this for a few weeks now. A couple of weeks ago God brought up this passage in Revelation that really spoke to my heart.

Yet I hold this against you; you have forsaken your first love. Remember the height from which you have fallen! Repent and do the things you did at first. (Revelation 2:4-5a)

He showed me that I too had forsaken my first love, and instead was driven by different things. I reflected upon the place from which I had come and the things I did "at first." It was so sweet to look back at the beginnings of my relationship with God and how in love I was, and how satisfied I was, with just Him. He was my only desire - innocent and pure.

So that is where I'm headed - to God, to God and to school. I feel like there is a lot of change coming to my life and much of that is simplification. The clutter is beginning to be removed and I pray that all that is left is only what God wants. I don't want any selfish desires of mine on the side because that will only lead to more exhaustion and frustration, not to mention spoiling of the fruit that God is trying to produce in me.

I am the vine; you are the branches. If a man remains in me and I in him, he will bear much fruit; apart from me you can do nothing. (John 15:5)

Well, that was a lot, and it's late now, so I'm off to bed.

A longer update will be coming soon

So a few things have happened as far as financial support is concerned, 1) I forgot to add in my $200 deposit before, so that kicked up my totals quite a bit, 2) I got another check today, yay!, and finally 3) I've set my own financial goal. I need $4700 for my trip but I'm setting the goal of $5100. I added in $400 to pay for my stateside plane ticket. I am praying in faith, and feel very confident that God will provide abundantly. My mom is praying for $5200, but I don't really know what the extra is for, but knowing how God uses her, she's probably on to something I don't see. So right now I need $375 by May 1st and I am 25% of the way to my new goal. God is just so awesome!

I am almost finished with this semester. Two more papers and I'm free for a couple of weeks, when summer classes will start. Once I'm done writing papers for school I'm going to get on here and write a lot. This semester has been really difficult and I want to reflect on what God has done, because He's done a lot. He's been teaching me a lot and I want to share that too. Hopefully, I will remember it all.