Mother's Day

Oh Mother's Day.

Mothers.

There's so much I want to say, yet it is so hard to begin.

I usually try to just ignore Mother's Day; it's so painful for me. But the truth is - every day is just as painful. Always looming under the surface is ache, grief, and longing...and whenever I touch it, it triggers shame, and oftentimes fear and anxiety.

When I was a child, I always felt seen by my mom. When I was upset, she could tell and would pursue my heart, while comforting me in her lap. Even to this day her mother's intuition is SO perceptive...but things are different now.

When I was in late elementary school, she started having some emotional problems. I was young and I don't recall it really affecting me. In middle school is when everything changed. It was just the two of us living together. In addition to the mental illnesses that were brewing, she developed significant physical pain and I slipped into the role of caretaker. I got myself to school; I worked hard and was an honor roll student; I played sports after school; I provided for my own needs at home; and I took care of her needs.....I still remember the nights waking up to her screams.

I didn't realize I was losing my mother, but I must have felt it because I started looking to another woman for connection, comfort and nurturing. She was a teacher at my middle school. I felt such strong feelings it scared me, and I decided to share them with her in the hopes of getting help.

...

...

...all these years later, I still struggle to find words to tell what that did to me.

I know people thought they were helping...but I did not get help, in fact, what happened as a result left a deeper scar than even losing my mom. I had already been confused, but then I was labeled - people were concerned that I was suicidal, that I was gay, and that I was a stalker...literally, a stalker.

I started believing so many lies: It's not okay to have needs. I have to do everything myself. It's bad to share my feelings. It's bad to notice details about people, what they do and like, and then use them to show love and care. Being needed is the only way to secure people's time, appreciation and love; I have to have something to offer to be loved.

I have grown a lot since then, so in my head I "know" the truth, but I still feel ashamed to desire a woman's nurturing presence. SO. ASHAMED. I know that it is a God-given desire! Yet that middle school trauma still suffocates my heart. I fear that my needs are a burden. I fear rejection and abandonment. I fear scaring people with my vulnerability. Despite all these fears, I can't help but to always be on the lookout for a mother-figure, or at least connection and nurturing from women. Because I know shame is a liar, I have tried many times to be courageous and vulnerable by trying to attach to mentors or mother-figures. It is always a nerve-wracking, anxiety-filled process. With only one other woman, Michelle, did I begin to feel totally secure...and then she passed away. I tasted again what that security was like, but I didn't have her long enough for her love to sink deep enough to help me believe in my belonging and worth. It is so hard to believe I will ever have a safe, nurturing bosom where I belong. The message I really struggle with is "no one will ever love me like they love their own child". I remember many days in middle school and high school, staring out my bedroom window wanting to run away, or wishing that child protective services would take me away so I could be adopted by a loving family. I wish I could say that longing has left...but I still long to have a mother I can call on good days and bad days, and every day in between, a mother who has the time for me, a mother who gives lots of hugs and who will just hold me, a mother who, like when I was a child, would see me and embrace me.

I can't believe I'm sharing these things with you, I'm gonna have such a vulnerability hangover (as Brene Brown would call it) after posting this - feeling so exposed and just ashamed. Why am I doing this again? Mother's Day, right.

So that's half of the grief and pain I feel on Mother's Day - the grief of having lost my mom, the pain of searching and continuing to be hurt, and the pain of living without a mother.

The other half of the grief and pain I feel on Mother's Day is because my mom is still here.

My mom still suffers from significant mental illness, and is in so much emotional pain and misery herself. It is like a cancer that leaves her alive, just wishing she were dead. She cannot or does not take care of herself consistently, yet it is so hard to help her because she is difficult to work with. In the last 6 months, she has lived in three different assisted living facilities, and it is not going well in the current one. I have grief upon grief as I see and hear her live in such misery. [I realize what I'm about to say may sound ungrateful in the ears of those who have lost loved ones, and maybe I am...my heart here is to simply be honest and share where I am along my journey.] Sometimes I think, "It would be easier if she were dead, because then she would not be miserable anymore, and I could at least grieve and move forward." But she is still here, and I continue to face new grief with every phase of her journey, on top of the grief I already have of not having a mother.

So Mother's Day is so painful for me. I usually avoid social media because all the beautiful posts remind me of what I don't have. And I don't want people to feel bad for sharing, because posts about mothers and from mothers are so beautiful. I am SO grateful that others have wonderful experiences with or from their mothers, and that they don't hurt like I do. For me it is just like hunger pains...so I guess I just stay away from the dining room because I know none of the food is mine.

I am always seeking healing, and have seen and heard that I need to change the story I'm telling myself. I believe in the power of mindfulness...but I guess I still get stuck on not having a consistent experience. I want to change the story I tell myself, but I don't even know what other story I could tell myself. I believe the Bible when it says it is not good for man to be alone - I believe there are some things we cannot do by ourselves. How can I possibly heal a relational hurt in isolation? How can I rewrite my story by myself? And yeah, I know God ultimately can fulfill all my needs...they why hasn't he? And if he wants me to/for himself, then why doesn't he help me see, understand and experience him as my mother? Psalm 131 has always been a source of wonder and confusion for me. I meditate on it often, but it rarely gets far. Maybe when I have my own children I will understand it better...but still only from the other side. What does it feel like to feel calm and quiet, like a weaned child with its mother? That is what I think I began to taste with Michelle before her death.

I think there's hope, but I don't think I'm very hopeful. I know these are scars I will live with the rest of my life. I know it is really painful right now, and I can get lost in that. But in 20 years, I think something will have happened in me and I'll have made progress. But here I am, in the present, thinking about Mother's Day coming up with mixed emotions. I want to celebrate mothers, and I love seeing mothers being present and caring with their children, but it doesn't come without some pain sometimes.

Grateful & Grieving

I want to try to capture what is stirring deep within me tonight. These feelings seem so paradoxical yet tonight they are harmoniously bringing healing.

A couple weeks ago I realized that I was feeling mothered by a woman who recently entered my life. Though I wrestled with some fear because of being hurt so many times in the past, I gratefully let her mothering settle in and fill me.

The past week or two I have been thinking about a woman who became like a mother to my husband and I, back in the city we left nine months ago. I smile as I recall the light and joy she brought to our lives each week and on special holidays. I texted her to let her know I was thinking of her and miss her. I smile at the memories and let her love reach us from afar.

I recall the other mothers in my life - my stepmom, my mother-in-law, and my sponsor - all of whom I can recall their affections and warmth. And then I recall Michelle...and I feel the grief begin to rise, sharp and hot, piercing through my chest. But it is because of something so good that left me wanting more, and I recall with gratitude how I learned to feel SECURE in her love, even as her presence waned and was taken by cancer. She made it safe for me to bond again.

As all these feelings of gratitude settle in, it begins to displace the decades of aching and longing, and the grief rises to the surface and trickles out...but unlike many tears before, I welcome these because I know they are being replaced with that for which I have longed. So I release them, and with them the emptiness that plagued me for so long. Usually I hate Mother's Day because it just reminds me of my soul's deep void. But tonight I have some hope that this next Mother's Day could be a warm and grateful day as I allow the love from all these women to continue to fill my canyons of loss, pain and grief.

I am grateful for the grieving, for it is making room.

Waking Up to Racism

I suppose I must begin this post by acknowledging that I am a white female, and I recognize that there are things about racism I had not recognized, but I am now learning. I want to first recognize my influences, so you know from whom I have learned (and I'll post links at the bottom if you want to hear them for yourself). For many years I've listened to Brené Brown, a shame researcher who has much to say about empathy and compassion. Dr. Becky Bailey has been my main teacher more recently, through her books. I began reading in October of 2019 and am being transformed by her Conscious Discipline program (a trauma informed, evidence-based and research-backed social-emotional learning program). Though I have prayed this before, around March of 2020 I began praying regularly and fervently that God would open my eyes to White Privilege and racism, as well as to show me what will heal racism and move us forward as a society; and I believe he is answering me. Resmaa Menakem has been a more recent influence, having sought him out a couple weeks before the events and outcries surrounding race and law enforcement spurred on by George Floyd's death and the officers involved. My husband and I have taken his free online course on racialized trauma, which has given us much to process, personally and as a couple growing together. Most recently we watched a conversation between Dr. Anita Phillips and Christine Caine - a conversation on race and restoration in the Body of Believers, and whatever your religious or spiritual practice this conversation is helpful because she addresses how we Americans got to where we are today.

Oh where to begin? I want to be real, and vulnerable, and honest. The past few weeks have been heavy, as I have been awakening more to the pain and trauma experienced by my black friends and all black Americans. My heart is so broken and most days I feel overwhelmed by grief. From Dr. Anita Phillips I heard the history that led black people to be dehumanized here in America. Essentially, black people brought to America and then subsequently born here were made out to be animals. She explained how this dehumanization was a necessary means to enable slavery. The effects for white people was a view of black people as dangerous, like wild animals…but what I also learned is that dehumanization includes a patronizing view of black people, like a cute pet. Resmaa explained how that kind of trauma makes an imprint that continues through generations. I see now how those perspectives persist today, in our unconscious minds. I never considered myself to be a racist person, but as I listened to Dr. Anita’s explanations, I could not help but feel a pang of pain inside, wondering how I probably have acted out of those dehumanized perspectives in the past…and I feel such grief for how I have perpetuated this atrocity to my black brothers and sisters.

As heavy and as painful as it is to wake up to dehumanization, and especially to my probable perpetuation of it, I needed to hear it…I want to hear it, because if what is unconscious within me is causing harm to myself, to others, and to relationships, then I want to become conscious of it because that is the only way I can change it…and I desperately want to change it. So thus ensues the productive pain of personal growth. I am willing. I want to hear the hearts and stories of my black friends so that I can no longer be disillusioned or ignorant. I want to learn, and know how to be an ally and bring restoration.

Now that you have heard my heart, I would like to share my thoughts. I seek to make the world a better place. I feel so passionately that what I have been learning (from Dr. Becky Bailey) that is making my life a better place can help on this larger scale. I am connecting the dots between what I am learning from my personal growth with what I am hearing from some of the black community and want to synthesize the two.

I have heard multiple professionals' opinions of how dehumanization and its effects impressed upon all of our psyches, black and white alike. Yes, the impression was in different ways to each people group, but it has nonetheless been "passed down", even if unintentionally. The legal and political system used its power to bring some freedom and equality, but the law can do nothing to change people's hearts. So yes, there has been change in the past, which was good and necessary, but it never reached deeply enough, to the heart. It is time to go deeper - as peoples and a society we need to reach deep to acknowledge the Historical trauma, Intergenerational trauma, Persistent institutional trauma, and Personal trauma (HIPP) experienced by black Americans, and take a trauma-informed approach. This includes perspective-taking, attributing positive intent, and offering empathy and compassion (three key skills I got from Becky Bailey and Brené Brown). This also includes bravely pursuing healing from traumas and seeking to no longer let it control thoughts and reactions to the present - composure. (I know from personal experience it is a hard journey and understand why so many people shy away from it; I also have felt the life and joy that comes from healing and believe it is worth the painful journey.) Really it is about restoring the humanity of black people (in our psyches), more than it is about reconciling. People who help survivors seeking healing and recovery from abuse know that the first thing is not to pursue reconciliation with the perpetrator, but restoration of the identity that was traumatically taken from them. Dr. Anita Phillips really does a helpful explanation of this in her "Body Language" conversation with Christine Caine. There's so much there and I encourage everyone to listen to it.

All of us have programs in our brains we need to rewrite if we are ever going to eradicate racism and the effects of our American history of slavery. One thing I have learned from Dr. Becky Bailey is the Power of Attention – what you focus on you get more of. We continue to focus on racism, so it is no wonder that it continues. Becky would ask what do we want, and tell us to focus on that. I think what we want is safety, humanity and belonging, and peace. I also have learned that fear looks for blame, love seeks solutions. What I often hear from the media is blame – we need to stop blaming and shift our time and energy to seeking solutions. What is the solution? I propose it is not as complicated as our American society would like to make it seem. I think part of the solution is for us as individuals, communities and a society as a whole to build new relational skills - perspective-taking, attributing positive intent, and offering empathy and compassion. This will help to change our culture from fear-based to love-based. Another part of the solution is to heal from trauma. Essentially, healing from trauma will keep us moving forward, rather than keeping us stuck reenacting the past – perpetuating racism and dehumanization – these are the mental programs we need to rewrite. Just because it is simple does not mean it is easy. Growth is painful, but that is a pain I willingly choose because it brings about life, joy and love.

I offer you the resources that have been helping me grow, and my encouragement is that whether these or other resources, you step into that productive pain that will bring healing, change, and build new skills to move our society forward. There are various formats and lengths so hopefully you find one that fits your learning preference and lifestyle:

• Easy to Love, Difficult to Discipline – parenting book by Dr. Becky Bailey, see especially "Times Have Changed and So Must We" in chapter 1 to understand how this Conscious Discipline program is relevant to race relations. (You can learn more about Conscious Discipline in this video.)
• https://culturalsomaticsuniversity.thinkific.com/courses/cultural-somatics-free-5-session-ecourse Resmaa's free e-course on racialized trauma. He also has several books available.
• https://www.instagram.com/p/CAwYt7llK0w/  A conversation on race & restoration in the Body of Believers, with Dr. Anita Phillips; whatever your religious or spiritual practice this conversation is helpful because she addresses how we Americans got to where we are today
• https://livestream.com/kingdomlifechurch/events/9164780 A sermon from Dr. Anita Phillips’ husband, Pastor of Kingdom Life Church in Baltimore. (You can learn more about the Phillips family here.)

The Woods of Solitude

Technology robs us of silence,

of solitude.

Convenience becomes an intrusion.

The noise keeps us shallow and prevents us from being taken to the depths.
And the depths cry louder.
We become uncomfortable.
We hush their cries with the noise of technology –
we numb the longing for deep connection
with the convenience of quick, shallow communication.
We scramble to fill
only to realize we are becoming more empty.
 
Solitude.
We break the vicious cycle and sit in silence.
Silence.
It is uncomfortable.
All the voices of desire,
all the groanings too deep for words
begin to rise.
We are scared.
We want more noise!
to hide the fear,
to distract from the pain of longings unfulfilled.
But we press on in stillness.
As the silence grows and our minds become calm,
our soul emerges from hiding,
like a wild beast emerging from the brush because
we finally stopped traipsing through the forest.
Sitting quietly by a tree
we finally realize how our crashing through the forest of our lives
kept our wild souls in hiding.
But in quiet, in solitude,
We invite our souls to be seen,
to be heard.
Then we begin to hear –
the longings of our soul
the hopes
the dreams.
We are reminded of who we really are
and who we really want to be.
The emotions rise –
            sadness
            fear
            regret
            disgust
who we are is not who we really want to be!
And what we have is not really what we want.
We sit in our sadness from the discrepancies between our heart and lives.
Silence.
 
And then we hear it –
a new voice
a voice not our own,
a voice of promise
a voice of hope.
We can be fulfilled and satisfied!
But this new way,
this life
is so much different than what I look like on the outside…
I become discouraged,
I fear the shame
of so much change.
But then the voice speaks love.
Love,
acceptance,
patience.
My heart floods with sadness and joy as I realize that is what I wanted all along!
My constant searching through technology,
my constant busyness and noise,
and yet here
in the silence
and the uncomfortable solitude
is where I have found the deepest longing of my heart.
 
I am so glad I went here.
I am so glad I stopped here.
I have peace,
and joy.
I smile.

JOLTED by the obnoxious intrusion of my phone’s ‘ding’ and vibration,

I jump from the tree where I found solitude…and love.
My wild soul goes running into hiding as I keep running through the woods.
Remembering what just happened,
almost as if it were a dream,
I pause and look back to that tree.
“I’ll be back soon.” I whisper with a smile.
Then I turn and keep running.

[This poem was inspired by my readings in Sacred Rhythms by Ruth Haley Barton]

Sin vs. Suffering

Sin.

I've been thinking about it more often lately...

...facing my own struggles and failures with it, and hearing about others' struggles with it.  I have had several great conversations with people this summer about sinful patterns and habits, about accepting God's forgiveness and grace, and even about pursuing freedom from sin.

Frankly, I have been feeling a little sick of giving in so easily lately and seemingly not even fighting much. As I was reading 1 Peter the other day, this verse stuck out to me:

"Since therefore Christ suffered in the flesh, arm yourselves with the same way of thinking, for whoever has suffered in the flesh has ceased from sin, so as to live for the rest of the time in the flesh no longer for human passions but for the will of God." (1 Peter 4:1-2)

As I meditated on it, it became more practical to me and I decided to memorize it to use as a weapon against temptation (so feel free to quiz me on it). It helps remind me precisely of that about which it speaks - the "way of thinking". I haven't spent much time studying it, but from it I understand that sin and suffering seem to be opposed, just as human passions and the will of God seem to be opposed. Now, I would not go generalizing this to all of suffering, but in this passage I see this juxtaposition of sin and suffering, that if one is suffering then one is not sinning, and if one is sinning then one is not suffering.

For example, as many (or all) people do, I experience sexual desires and struggle with wanting to satisfy them in one way or another (hopefully this is not too much information...I know it is risky for me to even put this out on the internet, but it is the easiest example I have). Part of those desires are good and God-given, but there is a part of them - my desire for instant gratification, for instance - that gets classified as "human passions". But in his will, where he has me in life, he has not provided a way for those desires to be satisfied right now. So, if I give in to that sin, my human passion is gratified and my flesh does not suffer. But, if I do not give in to those desires, then my flesh suffers, and I cease from that sin, at least that time around. I don't know, seems pretty simple to me...not to say that it is easy though.

What do you think? How could this be applied to your life?

Feeling like Rapunzel

This is twice now this year that a Disney movie has helped me to identify and express how I was feeling. This past week, it was Tangled. Here is how the week played out:

Monday, this is how I felt:


Tuesday through Thursday:


Friday:


As you can imagine, this past week was a bit of an emotional roller coaster. I spent much time wrestling in prayer and crying out to God.

The Single Life

I'm hungry for intimacy.

I'm searching for intimacy, even without realizing it. I seem to only notice it once I've found it and then it gets removed, like recently.

Recently I returned from a summer trip where I spent three weeks with the same group of 18 people (more if you count the others that came for a shorter amount of time - 62 total individuals). This is the third time I've been on this trip and the fifth time I've been on a trip like this, so I'm familiar with how it feels to make such deep bonds during the trip, only to have them quickly or slowly lose touch in the days and months to follow.

This year has felt a little different, and because I'm in a different stage of life, my perspective has been different. And as I've been writing in my journal and processing with the Lord, I think I've stumbled upon what seems to be a huge insight! [Granted, none of this has been verified by any married folk, so for now it is completely theoretical, and nonetheless my personal observation and interpretation.]

So for those who may not understand the kind of trip and relational bonds about which I am talking, I'll fill you in and get all of us on the same page. These trips are anywhere from three to six to ten weeks long, and for that time you are living together, working together and everything in between (especially these camping trips, like the kind I was just on - then even bodily functions become a normal conversation). Usually we don't know anyone going into the trip, yet we are all committed on the front end to loving and being friends with everyone. So when we finally get together, relationship-building is intentional and thorough. You pretty much share your life story every day and by the end of the trip, everyone of the same gender has heard it (and you've heard theirs) and half or more the people of the opposite gender knows your story and struggles too. Over the course of the trip you laugh together, cry together, be absolutely crazy and obnoxious together and even experience some relational tension...pretty much all the makings of a family. Ultimately that is what it feels like and what it becomes - a family, for those three or more weeks. Goodbyes are really painful, and nearly everyone cries - even the guys, but that's a sign of good, deep bonds. Many will keep in touch in the ensuing days, months and years, but it will never feel the same as when you were all together.

Much of this does feel the same for us leaders, but over the years I have noticed a difference between the leaders and the students on the trip (outside of the fact that the leaders return year after year, while there is a fresh batch of students). My observation is this: for the most part, the students do not keep in contact with the leaders to the same extent that they do to the other students. I will withhold my interpretations for now, but I will say that for me, this reality has created a bit of a void, which has stirred this deeper contemplation.

This difference, and for me, this void, stirs up my own brokenness and insecurities, so I dwell on it more. I ponder: why do I feel this way? Obviously these trips provide a source of relational and emotional intimacy that is rarely found in the "real" world, at least as I've experienced it. Once a year I have this amazing family for three weeks, then for the rest of the year, it seems a struggle to connect with people the same way, especially after graduating from college (another important observation).

So I wonder, as I have for years: can this type of community exist in everyday life? Why doesn't or can't my small group feel this way? This is where stage of life has created even more of a chasm. In college, there were some experiences throughout the year of community like that, yet the older I've gotten and the more my friends and peers have gotten married, the farther I feel from the reality or possibility of that type of community in everyday life. So I wonder: maybe it's because I'm single.

So I return to thinking about the trip and now think about the married couples on the trip. Do they feel the same loss of intimacy and community that I do upon leaving a group and trip like this? Of course they do to some extent. However, I imagine it is also different. As married people, your "family" - your essential community and source of intimacy is self-contained, whereas us singles need to outsource to find "family", community and intimacy. Thus we find it on trips like these, and why I think it is likely sweeter but harder for singles to come and go, than for couples who have a partner that comes and goes with them and where they experience intimacy no matter when or what (as a general principle, with their spouse). The leaders who are single connect much like the students, yet the post-trip interaction is not the same between the leaders and students, which is how I began to notice all this in the first place.

Then, in everyday life, as more of my friends and peers have gotten married (and as I have remained single) I've noticed a significant difference in group dynamics between groups of mostly singles and groups of mostly married couples. Groups of singles seem closer, more intimate/vulnerable, and more committed as a group, whereas groups of mostly couples seem more disconnected and distant as a group, by comparison. As I thought about why, it finally dawned on me that it is probably precisely because they are married and therefore get much of their need for intimacy and vulnerability satisfied within their marriage, so it is less natural to initiate and engage in that intimacy and vulnerability within the group setting.

And that is where, as a single person living in the reality of an ever-increasing percentage of peers getting engaged and married (and having babies), I have less and less intimacy, and am more and more hungry for it. :\ There is a huge, but natural, shift between group dynamics and group intimacy between college and adulthood. And if you're like me, in the group of people that gets married later than all your friends and peers, it can be a challenge.

So, I guess this wasn't a "happy" post, but it seemed a monumental insight to me, and an important one in order to help keep my expectations in check, both for trips and for everyday life. I, like many others, live on the margins of society (in a sense), frequently experiencing loneliness due to being single. But I don't say this as a complaint, just stating a reality. I know I'm right where God has planned, and I trust that he will provide according to his good will and his perfect timing (not that it's not hard though). And he has taught me that in the period of patience and waiting on his timing to provide, he has provided himself and a different means of intimacy and community. I do long to be married and to experience the intimacy and community of a husband, but I know that ultimately, there is a source of intimacy and community that is even greater and deeper than that, and I can experience that, even now, when he grants it. So it is that I ache for more, yet I am content and satisfied.