I had lost all hope...

Hope.... When I listened to my pastor's sermon about it last Sunday I thought, "Yeah, I know what hope is...I got this!" And even last night as we talked about it in Connect Group, I thought I had a pretty good handle on it. But this morning, God broke me down. There is (and has been) a situation in my life that has been really hard. Sometime in high school I just started ignoring it so I could go on living, but I know it's still there, and throughout college I began to acknowledge it again - just a little bit. I would pray about it every now and then, but it's just so hard that I can only handle acknowledging it for so long before it starts to disrupt my ability to carry out my daily responsibilities. Then I ignore it again, so I can be a functioning adult.  (Not the healthiest - I know.)

Well, a few weeks ago, I was challenged to pray for other people for 40 days.  The person at the center of this situation was the second thing on my list. As the days have gone on it has gotten harder to pray for this person/situation. Today I finally broke down and didn't want to pray anymore. I was mad at God because I can't see him doing anything. I've read about people that prayed everyday, without ceasing, for years and even until they died, without giving up. I want to be like them but today, I just wanted to give up.

I was so angry I wanted to just wail on God and walk away. I got one step away and he grabbed me and pulled me into his bosom. He embraced me despite my fight and held me there until I surrendered...really surrendered, not just my fight but let go of this hurt and anger. Then I felt his comfort...and hope.

Here's how it happened: I had given up on praying for the moment and went to do something else. Still distracted and wrestling internally, a friend calls, who happens to be in my Connect Group so she is familiar with the sermon and conversations around hope. When she asked how my morning was going, I was honest and said that it was hard. I shared everything, including some tears (which is hard and a big step for me). I realized that it is much easier for me to choose despair in this situation, and that's what I had finally done earlier in the morning. She commented on how it's hard to hope when there is no opportunity, and I agreed. That's why I had lost hope for this person, there is nothing else that can help her. Jesus is her ONLY hope. Jesus is MY only hope for her. Somehow, with that refreshed realization, God supernaturally renewed my hope. It seems so backwards to me, that I have hope, especially after acknowledging that there is no visible or logical hope for her. Like, huh? That doesn't make sense! But that's what hoping in Jesus is all about. It doesn't make the situation any easier, but I have hope, and what's better is that I can talk to the One that is my hope for her. I can sit at his feet and beg and plead, and he will never get tired of it. That's some love!

So what day is it after all?  I haven't been counting the days, but now I'm really curious how many days it's actually been.  After looking it up just now, today is actually day 40.  Wow - significant!  I am in awe of God and how he works.

From orphan to princess

I am a princess.

---

The jester of the kingdom used to harass me.   Then, years later, he finally stole me away and took me captive.  He bound me in painful chains in his dark dungeon.

“Why would anyone rescue me?  I was just a lowly servant girl, an orphan sent to the palace to work for the king.”

This was my identity.  This was my reality for many years, so when he came, I was scared.

The son of the king – the prince – came.  He left his luxurious palace to enter the ubiquitous darkness of the jester’s playground!  He fought the jester for me.  And just when I thought all hope was gone, that the prince was defeated, he rose in victory!  And the chains that once held me captive now bound the jester to that darkest of places.

We ride away from that place and he brings me up into the light that brings healing – the light of the kingdom.  He carries me to the king and asks that I would be adopted.  (I can scarcely believe it!)  The king smiles, and welcomes me with a hug.  He calls me “daughter”.  :)

I have a family now, and a home.  I have a new identity.

I once was enslaved to working for the king, but now I have the honor and pleasure of working with the king – my daddy!  Sometimes I get caught up in my old identity and my old way of working – I feel orphaned and that it is my duty to work, especially after everything he has done for me.  I forget that he is my dad and end up trying to pay him back because I just see him as my owner.  But he is patient and faithful to remind me of his love for me, his daughter, and that whether I am working or not he is pleased just to be together.

If I died right now...

...how many people would come to my funeral?  A question, no doubt, many people have wondered sometime in their life, whether out of depression or because they were at a funeral.

Recently, I was at a memorial service and this question began to run through my mind.  The Holy Spirit must have stopped it all of a sudden and made me realize how self-centered the question is.

Shouldn't we rather be wondering, "If I died right now, how many people would I see in heaven, on account of my sharing Jesus with them, being Jesus to them?"  This is a much better question.

How would you answer it?  Don't you desire more, just because Jesus is that awesome and worth knowing?

Eclipses, Jesus and Us

As I write this I am laying outside watching the lunar eclipse. It
reminds me of a spiritual truth I realized years ago through nature -
through eclipses.
As followers of Jesus Christ, we can compare ourselves and our
relationship to Jesus and the world with the solar system. The sun is
the Son - Jesus. The earth is the world. The moon is followers of Jesus.
The Son, like the sun, provides light and life. Most often we do not
see it directly, otherwise it's splendor would blind us. But we know
that it exists because of how it affects everything else; we know that
it exists because we see the world by it. The earth is the
representation of all those people and powers that are not submitting
to the lordship of Jesus. We/I would describe them as spiritually in
the dark - they do not experience the light and life of the Son.
Within the representation of the world is also our three-fold enemy -
our flesh, the world system, and Satan. The moon represents people who
trust Jesus as their Savior and follow him as Lord. Per the
relationship and lifestyle, we are always supposed to be reflectors of
his light and life - just like the moon reflects the light of the sun.
In and of itself, the moon is dark and lifeless and has not much to
offer. But properly reflecting the light of the sun, it is visible,
yet because of it's nature must give the praise to the sun for
providing the light. In this way, the world can see the Son's light
in the dark and without being blinded.
Now that we have the basics, here are a couple of warnings. We, as
followers of Jesus must be careful of the solar and lunar eclipses in
our spirituality.
A lunar eclipse happens when the earth gets between the sun and the
moon. The earth casts a shadow on the moon and it becomes dark. The
world can often get between followers of Jesus and Jesus himself. This
happens when we choose worldly things over Jesus or when we give into
temptation. The result is that we stop reflecting the light of the
Son, leaving the world at night in the dark.
A solar eclipse happens when the moon gets between the earth and the
sun, blocking out the sun and becoming dark in the process. When we,
as followers of Jesus, become prideful and want the world to see us,
give us praise and glory instead of Jesus - that is when we have a
spiritual solar eclipse. We try to take the spotlight but in the
process we become dark to the world, no longer properly reflecting the
light of the Son. We also block out his light and leave the world in
darkness and death.
Our purpose as the moon is to reflect the light and life of the Son,
but we must be careful not to allow the world to overshadow us and not
to allow our pride to get in the way of the world seeing the Son.

A Child in God's Family...a prayer

Heavenly Father, I am a child in your family.  I have entered your family by regeneration.  I have faith because your Spirit opened my heart to your Word.  I have been born again because your son died my first death.

I am adopted into your family - treated as an adult and given privileges in your family.  I have food and nourishment - your Word.  I am rich!  I have access to your wealth, and I can use it, for your glory.  I am rich with your grace, mercy, glory, wisdom, and goodness.  I have brothers and sisters with whom to share life - to be excited together about your glory and purpose and to encourage each other toward that glory and purpose.  Though we may speak different languages or look different or live far away, we have a lot in common - life in Jesus, love for Jesus, and concern for the world to know Jesus.  In our relationships we love, submit, encourage, care for, forgive and edify each other.  When we were born into your family, we got to throw away our old wardrobe, dirty and tattered.  In your grace, you lavished upon us a wardrobe of righteousness.  Instead of wearing out, these garments are continually renewed and strengthened so we look more and more like you!  And the best part is that this is only the beginning - what a future we have ahead of us!

As part of the family, we each have a unique purpose.  You want a big family and we have the great opportunity to welcome others into the family.  When we are united with your Spirit and with each other, we help others come to know you as Father too.  Then, as big brothers and sisters, we help each other grow and mature.  And then we live happily ever after (for realz for once, not like the movies).

Heavenly Father, thank you for bringing me into your family.

[This prayer is a reflection of my reading in:  Wiersbe, W. W. (1996). Be what you are:  12 intriguing pictures of the Christian from the New Testament.  Wheaton IL:  Tyndale House.]

Psalm 62 - first thoughts

God "randomly" directed me to Psalm 62 on Thursday.  I love it so much, and God is already using it to change my heart, so I just wanted to share some of my thoughts as I read through it the first couple times (so as you read my conclusions keep in mind that I have not fully studied this verse, so if my conclusions are off base or out of context, I am admitting to you right now that they might be).

Verses 1-2 and 5-8 are my favorite parts.

[verse 9] At first I did not understand what "balances" meant, but the second or third time I think I got it!
"in the balances they go up" - like, they do not bear much weight

[verse 5]
"For God alone, O my soul, wait in silence,..."
This is probably my favorite verse of the whole psalm.  I especially like that it is David talking to his own soul, and that when I read it, I am talking to my own soul (which I think has much power to affect change in me).  In addition to that, I feel like being positive and patient is my big struggle with my flesh right now.  I must confess and apologize for any negativity that I have conveyed towards this process of developing my team of ministry partners.  It may be challenging, but that does not give me the right or freedom to be negative, as I feel I have been doing.  God has called all of us to do everything without complaining or arguing.  So I like the directness and challenge of this verse to be silent in the waiting.  It helps me to not speak negatively towards something that is good, but to remain silent if all I want to do is grumble.
"...for my hope is from him."
My hope is from him, not from my partners, not from my efforts, not from money and not from my circumstances, all of which are things in which I have sometimes hoped instead of God.

[verse 6]
"...if riches increase, set not your heart on them."
I feel that this is a very applicable warning/reminder for me as I begin to think about receiving a bigger paycheck in the (hopefully near) future.  I must be careful not to put my hope and trust in money, but always in my Provider, Jesus.  My comfort and peace comes not from "enough money" but from my Lord, my Provider.

[verse 12]
"...For you will render to a man according to his work."
(As a side note:  I don't understand how this fits in with the context.  Hopefully it will be revealed to me soon, so I can have an accurate interpretation and application of this verse.)
I must admit, this verse scares me a little.  But only in my sense of guilt that maybe I am not doing enough or that I could/should be doing more.  Despite my continued effort in building my team of ministry partners, I frequently feel like I could/should be doing more.  I recognize that this may be conviction or may be a lie from the enemy (or maybe a little of both).  So I am trying to be careful with my conclusions from this verse, especially considering that I have not dug into it yet.  From that mindset, I wonder if maybe I would be closer to my financial goal if I had just done more or worked harder.  But I know that I cannot dwell on that for too long, or it will get me into trouble!
But, on a positive note, this verse is a good challenge for me to aim higher - to ask God for and pursue more opportunities, more contacts, and more dials.
Yet in all this focus on "my work", I recognize that even that is from the Lord.  For my abilities, skills and desires come from him.  I can work because of him and I see results because of him.

For about a week prior to stumbling upon this psalm I had recognized that I needed a perspective change and I had been asking God for just that.  Though it is only the beginning of it, I feel like this is the perspective that I need.  I really look forward to digging into this psalm more, and I am especially looking forward to God changing my heart through it.

My blogging woes!

So I really do like to write, and it is my aim to blog regularly (like once a week to start).  I even have lots of ideas and topics that come to me and I think, "I should blog about that."  But I rarely take the time (because I feel like I don't have the time).  But today I had some time that I thought "Oh!  I could blog!"  Then I got on here and didn't know what to write.  Sometimes breaking the ice is just so hard!  So I hope that this will be the first of a long string of regular blogs.

With that being said, I really want to share some pictures from my "College weekend" with my friends.  The idea behind college weekend was to do crazy things and stay up late, as if we were in college again.  So the last day of our college weekend was Punk Day.  And instead of explaining it myself, I will direct you to a website where you can get a short intro and then see pictures, which are AWESOME!  So check it out!  http://ktcrabbphotography.com/blog/2010/11/04/just-for-fun/

And P.S. - Katie is an awesome photographer, so if you have any photo needs you should definitely give her a call!  She does family sessions - perfect for the holidays!