New Beginnings

As many of you know, I used to speak so freely and often about my faith and what God does in my life. Now, years later I've been trying to figure out why that changed so significantly, such that I hardly say anything anymore - it really saddened me, as I felt like I had lost a part of me...a big part. As I have pondered and searched my heart and mind, I discovered that while teaching and coaching in the public school system, I felt stifled and suffocated. And even though it has been over a year since leaving public education, I am only recently starting to reconnect with that part of me. I'm so grateful for some of my friends and team members, especially Jodi and Diane, who speak so freely and frequently about their faith, and of their love and praise for God. It has inspired me to find my words again, and my freedom to let my full authentic self show up wherever I go, through not shrinking back from sharing what fills me with joy, hope and a rich faith.

I want to get around to sharing about tonight's dinner, but I kind of have to play catch up first, to give some much needed context.

For as long as I can remember, I have always felt a sense of awe and wonder about the Jewish people, because the Bible calls them "God's chosen people". I have always wanted to learn more and be close to them, and I still cannot explain why. After college I had a friend who is Jewish and a believer in Jesus (Yeshua). For that time period we hung out, I asked questions and we visited a couple Messianic congregations, and a synagogue. It whet my appetite. Our lives kept moving on and we lost touch. I still wanted to learn more, but the Jewish world felt so different and I knew I needed someone who could take me along and show me the way.

Flash forward several years to the time I joined eHarmony. I finally was being very intentional to not just pray for a significant other, but to also put myself out there. Eventually I came across this picture of a patriotic cutie with a bright smile. As I read his profile I saw some Hebrew words and was intrigued...and attracted! I had come to value the original languages of the Bible, and loved when people would use and teach them. So here was this guy using some Hebrew and I sent him a smile. Once he finally responded (haha, I poke fun that it took him three whole days!), he initiated a little chit chat and then he asked about my spiritual journey (more brownie points that he asked before me, as compared to previous guys I had talked with where I had to ask first). In the midst of that conversation, I learned that he and some of his family had been following Messianic Judaism since he was 12 years old - quite some time indeed! As we continued to grow our relationship, I was hungry to learn and he was excited to share - it really was a match made by God. He had been praying for someone who would simply be open to learning, and here I was, ready to hit the ground running! And I had not been praying at all! It had not even occurred to me to ask God for a man who could lead and teach me in that...I think maybe I didn't think there was such a man out there. ...I am still amazed at the pair of us that God brought together - more than what either of us had dared to ask God, but exactly what each of us had been deeply desiring. So amazing - He is so good to us!

Since then I have learned so much, and enjoy such a richness and depth to my understanding of and faith in the Messiah. No, none of us are Jewish, but onlookers would probably say the way we live out our faith looks Jewish...and I love that, because that is how Yeshua (Jesus) lived and I feel so much closer to Him, I feel more intimately connected with Him through knowing and doing the things He knew and did. I know there are many different theologies and viewpoints out there, which I do not intend to discuss in this blog post, but what I will say is this - I have had several people already tell me that "we don't have to do that stuff anymore," and I understand that point of view. For me, it is not about "have to", I am free to, and I get so much life and joy out of it! It brings me closer to the Messiah, my Savior, so why wouldn't I!? Every cycle of the Biblical/Hebrew calendar takes me deeper and deeper into intimacy with Him. The more I learn from Jewish scholars, even non-Messianic ones, the more I learn about Messiah! Luke, one of Yeshua's talmidim (one of Jesus' disciples) wrote, "Then beginning with Moses and all the Prophets, He [Yeshua] explained to them the things written about Himself in all the Scriptures." (Luke 24:27) All Scripture points to Him, so even if I am learning from Jewish sources, I am still learning about the Messiah. So you see, my Jewish-looking faith, is how I have grown closer to Messiah, not farther.

Now that you have the backstory and context, I want to get back to our special dinner. Tonight begins a new month in the Hebrew calendar, which in Hebrew is called "rosh chodesh". Traditionally, the theme of rosh chodesh is renewal, or newness. Each new moon, TJ and I eat a special meal to remind us of what the Israelites did. In 1 Samuel 20, we read part of the story of David and Jonathan. What I always used to miss, but now I see is that the time frame for this story revolves around rosh chodesh - the new moon, and how they had a special meal to celebrate and observe. It is also mentioned in Numbers 10:10, and other places, as a time of celebration and praise to God, often accompanied by feasting.

As TJ and I have woven this observance into our life, I always am amazed at how often it coincides with "new" things. I think I need to start writing them down, because there have been so many, such as moving, starting a new job, etc. So what is it this time? Tomorrow, the first day of the new month, I leave for a trip to meet my new life coach, and to meet (in person) some of my new team for a business retreat. It feels like a new beginning - new life, and renewal of things already in motion. As I said, it is amazing how so many new or renewed things begin at the time of a new moon, when God's people, for centuries, have already been acknowledging renewal.

Mother's Day

Oh Mother's Day.

Mothers.

There's so much I want to say, yet it is so hard to begin.

I usually try to just ignore Mother's Day; it's so painful for me. But the truth is - every day is just as painful. Always looming under the surface is ache, grief, and longing...and whenever I touch it, it triggers shame, and oftentimes fear and anxiety.

When I was a child, I always felt seen by my mom. When I was upset, she could tell and would pursue my heart, while comforting me in her lap. Even to this day her mother's intuition is SO perceptive...but things are different now.

When I was in late elementary school, she started having some emotional problems. I was young and I don't recall it really affecting me. In middle school is when everything changed. It was just the two of us living together. In addition to the mental illnesses that were brewing, she developed significant physical pain and I slipped into the role of caretaker. I got myself to school; I worked hard and was an honor roll student; I played sports after school; I provided for my own needs at home; and I took care of her needs.....I still remember the nights waking up to her screams.

I didn't realize I was losing my mother, but I must have felt it because I started looking to another woman for connection, comfort and nurturing. She was a teacher at my middle school. I felt such strong feelings it scared me, and I decided to share them with her in the hopes of getting help.

...

...

...all these years later, I still struggle to find words to tell what that did to me.

I know people thought they were helping...but I did not get help, in fact, what happened as a result left a deeper scar than even losing my mom. I had already been confused, but then I was labeled - people were concerned that I was suicidal, that I was gay, and that I was a stalker...literally, a stalker.

I started believing so many lies: It's not okay to have needs. I have to do everything myself. It's bad to share my feelings. It's bad to notice details about people, what they do and like, and then use them to show love and care. Being needed is the only way to secure people's time, appreciation and love; I have to have something to offer to be loved.

I have grown a lot since then, so in my head I "know" the truth, but I still feel ashamed to desire a woman's nurturing presence. SO. ASHAMED. I know that it is a God-given desire! Yet that middle school trauma still suffocates my heart. I fear that my needs are a burden. I fear rejection and abandonment. I fear scaring people with my vulnerability. Despite all these fears, I can't help but to always be on the lookout for a mother-figure, or at least connection and nurturing from women. Because I know shame is a liar, I have tried many times to be courageous and vulnerable by trying to attach to mentors or mother-figures. It is always a nerve-wracking, anxiety-filled process. With only one other woman, Michelle, did I begin to feel totally secure...and then she passed away. I tasted again what that security was like, but I didn't have her long enough for her love to sink deep enough to help me believe in my belonging and worth. It is so hard to believe I will ever have a safe, nurturing bosom where I belong. The message I really struggle with is "no one will ever love me like they love their own child". I remember many days in middle school and high school, staring out my bedroom window wanting to run away, or wishing that child protective services would take me away so I could be adopted by a loving family. I wish I could say that longing has left...but I still long to have a mother I can call on good days and bad days, and every day in between, a mother who has the time for me, a mother who gives lots of hugs and who will just hold me, a mother who, like when I was a child, would see me and embrace me.

I can't believe I'm sharing these things with you, I'm gonna have such a vulnerability hangover (as Brene Brown would call it) after posting this - feeling so exposed and just ashamed. Why am I doing this again? Mother's Day, right.

So that's half of the grief and pain I feel on Mother's Day - the grief of having lost my mom, the pain of searching and continuing to be hurt, and the pain of living without a mother.

The other half of the grief and pain I feel on Mother's Day is because my mom is still here.

My mom still suffers from significant mental illness, and is in so much emotional pain and misery herself. It is like a cancer that leaves her alive, just wishing she were dead. She cannot or does not take care of herself consistently, yet it is so hard to help her because she is difficult to work with. In the last 6 months, she has lived in three different assisted living facilities, and it is not going well in the current one. I have grief upon grief as I see and hear her live in such misery. [I realize what I'm about to say may sound ungrateful in the ears of those who have lost loved ones, and maybe I am...my heart here is to simply be honest and share where I am along my journey.] Sometimes I think, "It would be easier if she were dead, because then she would not be miserable anymore, and I could at least grieve and move forward." But she is still here, and I continue to face new grief with every phase of her journey, on top of the grief I already have of not having a mother.

So Mother's Day is so painful for me. I usually avoid social media because all the beautiful posts remind me of what I don't have. And I don't want people to feel bad for sharing, because posts about mothers and from mothers are so beautiful. I am SO grateful that others have wonderful experiences with or from their mothers, and that they don't hurt like I do. For me it is just like hunger pains...so I guess I just stay away from the dining room because I know none of the food is mine.

I am always seeking healing, and have seen and heard that I need to change the story I'm telling myself. I believe in the power of mindfulness...but I guess I still get stuck on not having a consistent experience. I want to change the story I tell myself, but I don't even know what other story I could tell myself. I believe the Bible when it says it is not good for man to be alone - I believe there are some things we cannot do by ourselves. How can I possibly heal a relational hurt in isolation? How can I rewrite my story by myself? And yeah, I know God ultimately can fulfill all my needs...they why hasn't he? And if he wants me to/for himself, then why doesn't he help me see, understand and experience him as my mother? Psalm 131 has always been a source of wonder and confusion for me. I meditate on it often, but it rarely gets far. Maybe when I have my own children I will understand it better...but still only from the other side. What does it feel like to feel calm and quiet, like a weaned child with its mother? That is what I think I began to taste with Michelle before her death.

I think there's hope, but I don't think I'm very hopeful. I know these are scars I will live with the rest of my life. I know it is really painful right now, and I can get lost in that. But in 20 years, I think something will have happened in me and I'll have made progress. But here I am, in the present, thinking about Mother's Day coming up with mixed emotions. I want to celebrate mothers, and I love seeing mothers being present and caring with their children, but it doesn't come without some pain sometimes.

Grateful & Grieving

I want to try to capture what is stirring deep within me tonight. These feelings seem so paradoxical yet tonight they are harmoniously bringing healing.

A couple weeks ago I realized that I was feeling mothered by a woman who recently entered my life. Though I wrestled with some fear because of being hurt so many times in the past, I gratefully let her mothering settle in and fill me.

The past week or two I have been thinking about a woman who became like a mother to my husband and I, back in the city we left nine months ago. I smile as I recall the light and joy she brought to our lives each week and on special holidays. I texted her to let her know I was thinking of her and miss her. I smile at the memories and let her love reach us from afar.

I recall the other mothers in my life - my stepmom, my mother-in-law, and my sponsor - all of whom I can recall their affections and warmth. And then I recall Michelle...and I feel the grief begin to rise, sharp and hot, piercing through my chest. But it is because of something so good that left me wanting more, and I recall with gratitude how I learned to feel SECURE in her love, even as her presence waned and was taken by cancer. She made it safe for me to bond again.

As all these feelings of gratitude settle in, it begins to displace the decades of aching and longing, and the grief rises to the surface and trickles out...but unlike many tears before, I welcome these because I know they are being replaced with that for which I have longed. So I release them, and with them the emptiness that plagued me for so long. Usually I hate Mother's Day because it just reminds me of my soul's deep void. But tonight I have some hope that this next Mother's Day could be a warm and grateful day as I allow the love from all these women to continue to fill my canyons of loss, pain and grief.

I am grateful for the grieving, for it is making room.

Waking Up to Racism

I suppose I must begin this post by acknowledging that I am a white female, and I recognize that there are things about racism I had not recognized, but I am now learning. I want to first recognize my influences, so you know from whom I have learned (and I'll post links at the bottom if you want to hear them for yourself). For many years I've listened to Brené Brown, a shame researcher who has much to say about empathy and compassion. Dr. Becky Bailey has been my main teacher more recently, through her books. I began reading in October of 2019 and am being transformed by her Conscious Discipline program (a trauma informed, evidence-based and research-backed social-emotional learning program). Though I have prayed this before, around March of 2020 I began praying regularly and fervently that God would open my eyes to White Privilege and racism, as well as to show me what will heal racism and move us forward as a society; and I believe he is answering me. Resmaa Menakem has been a more recent influence, having sought him out a couple weeks before the events and outcries surrounding race and law enforcement spurred on by George Floyd's death and the officers involved. My husband and I have taken his free online course on racialized trauma, which has given us much to process, personally and as a couple growing together. Most recently we watched a conversation between Dr. Anita Phillips and Christine Caine - a conversation on race and restoration in the Body of Believers, and whatever your religious or spiritual practice this conversation is helpful because she addresses how we Americans got to where we are today.

Oh where to begin? I want to be real, and vulnerable, and honest. The past few weeks have been heavy, as I have been awakening more to the pain and trauma experienced by my black friends and all black Americans. My heart is so broken and most days I feel overwhelmed by grief. From Dr. Anita Phillips I heard the history that led black people to be dehumanized here in America. Essentially, black people brought to America and then subsequently born here were made out to be animals. She explained how this dehumanization was a necessary means to enable slavery. The effects for white people was a view of black people as dangerous, like wild animals…but what I also learned is that dehumanization includes a patronizing view of black people, like a cute pet. Resmaa explained how that kind of trauma makes an imprint that continues through generations. I see now how those perspectives persist today, in our unconscious minds. I never considered myself to be a racist person, but as I listened to Dr. Anita’s explanations, I could not help but feel a pang of pain inside, wondering how I probably have acted out of those dehumanized perspectives in the past…and I feel such grief for how I have perpetuated this atrocity to my black brothers and sisters.

As heavy and as painful as it is to wake up to dehumanization, and especially to my probable perpetuation of it, I needed to hear it…I want to hear it, because if what is unconscious within me is causing harm to myself, to others, and to relationships, then I want to become conscious of it because that is the only way I can change it…and I desperately want to change it. So thus ensues the productive pain of personal growth. I am willing. I want to hear the hearts and stories of my black friends so that I can no longer be disillusioned or ignorant. I want to learn, and know how to be an ally and bring restoration.

Now that you have heard my heart, I would like to share my thoughts. I seek to make the world a better place. I feel so passionately that what I have been learning (from Dr. Becky Bailey) that is making my life a better place can help on this larger scale. I am connecting the dots between what I am learning from my personal growth with what I am hearing from some of the black community and want to synthesize the two.

I have heard multiple professionals' opinions of how dehumanization and its effects impressed upon all of our psyches, black and white alike. Yes, the impression was in different ways to each people group, but it has nonetheless been "passed down", even if unintentionally. The legal and political system used its power to bring some freedom and equality, but the law can do nothing to change people's hearts. So yes, there has been change in the past, which was good and necessary, but it never reached deeply enough, to the heart. It is time to go deeper - as peoples and a society we need to reach deep to acknowledge the Historical trauma, Intergenerational trauma, Persistent institutional trauma, and Personal trauma (HIPP) experienced by black Americans, and take a trauma-informed approach. This includes perspective-taking, attributing positive intent, and offering empathy and compassion (three key skills I got from Becky Bailey and Brené Brown). This also includes bravely pursuing healing from traumas and seeking to no longer let it control thoughts and reactions to the present - composure. (I know from personal experience it is a hard journey and understand why so many people shy away from it; I also have felt the life and joy that comes from healing and believe it is worth the painful journey.) Really it is about restoring the humanity of black people (in our psyches), more than it is about reconciling. People who help survivors seeking healing and recovery from abuse know that the first thing is not to pursue reconciliation with the perpetrator, but restoration of the identity that was traumatically taken from them. Dr. Anita Phillips really does a helpful explanation of this in her "Body Language" conversation with Christine Caine. There's so much there and I encourage everyone to listen to it.

All of us have programs in our brains we need to rewrite if we are ever going to eradicate racism and the effects of our American history of slavery. One thing I have learned from Dr. Becky Bailey is the Power of Attention – what you focus on you get more of. We continue to focus on racism, so it is no wonder that it continues. Becky would ask what do we want, and tell us to focus on that. I think what we want is safety, humanity and belonging, and peace. I also have learned that fear looks for blame, love seeks solutions. What I often hear from the media is blame – we need to stop blaming and shift our time and energy to seeking solutions. What is the solution? I propose it is not as complicated as our American society would like to make it seem. I think part of the solution is for us as individuals, communities and a society as a whole to build new relational skills - perspective-taking, attributing positive intent, and offering empathy and compassion. This will help to change our culture from fear-based to love-based. Another part of the solution is to heal from trauma. Essentially, healing from trauma will keep us moving forward, rather than keeping us stuck reenacting the past – perpetuating racism and dehumanization – these are the mental programs we need to rewrite. Just because it is simple does not mean it is easy. Growth is painful, but that is a pain I willingly choose because it brings about life, joy and love.

I offer you the resources that have been helping me grow, and my encouragement is that whether these or other resources, you step into that productive pain that will bring healing, change, and build new skills to move our society forward. There are various formats and lengths so hopefully you find one that fits your learning preference and lifestyle:

• Easy to Love, Difficult to Discipline – parenting book by Dr. Becky Bailey, see especially "Times Have Changed and So Must We" in chapter 1 to understand how this Conscious Discipline program is relevant to race relations. (You can learn more about Conscious Discipline in this video.)
• https://culturalsomaticsuniversity.thinkific.com/courses/cultural-somatics-free-5-session-ecourse Resmaa's free e-course on racialized trauma. He also has several books available.
• https://www.instagram.com/p/CAwYt7llK0w/  A conversation on race & restoration in the Body of Believers, with Dr. Anita Phillips; whatever your religious or spiritual practice this conversation is helpful because she addresses how we Americans got to where we are today
• https://livestream.com/kingdomlifechurch/events/9164780 A sermon from Dr. Anita Phillips’ husband, Pastor of Kingdom Life Church in Baltimore. (You can learn more about the Phillips family here.)

The Woods of Solitude

Technology robs us of silence,

of solitude.

Convenience becomes an intrusion.

The noise keeps us shallow and prevents us from being taken to the depths.
And the depths cry louder.
We become uncomfortable.
We hush their cries with the noise of technology –
we numb the longing for deep connection
with the convenience of quick, shallow communication.
We scramble to fill
only to realize we are becoming more empty.
 
Solitude.
We break the vicious cycle and sit in silence.
Silence.
It is uncomfortable.
All the voices of desire,
all the groanings too deep for words
begin to rise.
We are scared.
We want more noise!
to hide the fear,
to distract from the pain of longings unfulfilled.
But we press on in stillness.
As the silence grows and our minds become calm,
our soul emerges from hiding,
like a wild beast emerging from the brush because
we finally stopped traipsing through the forest.
Sitting quietly by a tree
we finally realize how our crashing through the forest of our lives
kept our wild souls in hiding.
But in quiet, in solitude,
We invite our souls to be seen,
to be heard.
Then we begin to hear –
the longings of our soul
the hopes
the dreams.
We are reminded of who we really are
and who we really want to be.
The emotions rise –
            sadness
            fear
            regret
            disgust
who we are is not who we really want to be!
And what we have is not really what we want.
We sit in our sadness from the discrepancies between our heart and lives.
Silence.
 
And then we hear it –
a new voice
a voice not our own,
a voice of promise
a voice of hope.
We can be fulfilled and satisfied!
But this new way,
this life
is so much different than what I look like on the outside…
I become discouraged,
I fear the shame
of so much change.
But then the voice speaks love.
Love,
acceptance,
patience.
My heart floods with sadness and joy as I realize that is what I wanted all along!
My constant searching through technology,
my constant busyness and noise,
and yet here
in the silence
and the uncomfortable solitude
is where I have found the deepest longing of my heart.
 
I am so glad I went here.
I am so glad I stopped here.
I have peace,
and joy.
I smile.

JOLTED by the obnoxious intrusion of my phone’s ‘ding’ and vibration,

I jump from the tree where I found solitude…and love.
My wild soul goes running into hiding as I keep running through the woods.
Remembering what just happened,
almost as if it were a dream,
I pause and look back to that tree.
“I’ll be back soon.” I whisper with a smile.
Then I turn and keep running.

[This poem was inspired by my readings in Sacred Rhythms by Ruth Haley Barton]

Sin vs. Suffering

Sin.

I've been thinking about it more often lately...

...facing my own struggles and failures with it, and hearing about others' struggles with it.  I have had several great conversations with people this summer about sinful patterns and habits, about accepting God's forgiveness and grace, and even about pursuing freedom from sin.

Frankly, I have been feeling a little sick of giving in so easily lately and seemingly not even fighting much. As I was reading 1 Peter the other day, this verse stuck out to me:

"Since therefore Christ suffered in the flesh, arm yourselves with the same way of thinking, for whoever has suffered in the flesh has ceased from sin, so as to live for the rest of the time in the flesh no longer for human passions but for the will of God." (1 Peter 4:1-2)

As I meditated on it, it became more practical to me and I decided to memorize it to use as a weapon against temptation (so feel free to quiz me on it). It helps remind me precisely of that about which it speaks - the "way of thinking". I haven't spent much time studying it, but from it I understand that sin and suffering seem to be opposed, just as human passions and the will of God seem to be opposed. Now, I would not go generalizing this to all of suffering, but in this passage I see this juxtaposition of sin and suffering, that if one is suffering then one is not sinning, and if one is sinning then one is not suffering.

For example, as many (or all) people do, I experience sexual desires and struggle with wanting to satisfy them in one way or another (hopefully this is not too much information...I know it is risky for me to even put this out on the internet, but it is the easiest example I have). Part of those desires are good and God-given, but there is a part of them - my desire for instant gratification, for instance - that gets classified as "human passions". But in his will, where he has me in life, he has not provided a way for those desires to be satisfied right now. So, if I give in to that sin, my human passion is gratified and my flesh does not suffer. But, if I do not give in to those desires, then my flesh suffers, and I cease from that sin, at least that time around. I don't know, seems pretty simple to me...not to say that it is easy though.

What do you think? How could this be applied to your life?

Feeling like Rapunzel

This is twice now this year that a Disney movie has helped me to identify and express how I was feeling. This past week, it was Tangled. Here is how the week played out:

Monday, this is how I felt:


Tuesday through Thursday:


Friday:


As you can imagine, this past week was a bit of an emotional roller coaster. I spent much time wrestling in prayer and crying out to God.

The Single Life

I'm hungry for intimacy.

I'm searching for intimacy, even without realizing it. I seem to only notice it once I've found it and then it gets removed, like recently.

Recently I returned from a summer trip where I spent three weeks with the same group of 18 people (more if you count the others that came for a shorter amount of time - 62 total individuals). This is the third time I've been on this trip and the fifth time I've been on a trip like this, so I'm familiar with how it feels to make such deep bonds during the trip, only to have them quickly or slowly lose touch in the days and months to follow.

This year has felt a little different, and because I'm in a different stage of life, my perspective has been different. And as I've been writing in my journal and processing with the Lord, I think I've stumbled upon what seems to be a huge insight! [Granted, none of this has been verified by any married folk, so for now it is completely theoretical, and nonetheless my personal observation and interpretation.]

So for those who may not understand the kind of trip and relational bonds about which I am talking, I'll fill you in and get all of us on the same page. These trips are anywhere from three to six to ten weeks long, and for that time you are living together, working together and everything in between (especially these camping trips, like the kind I was just on - then even bodily functions become a normal conversation). Usually we don't know anyone going into the trip, yet we are all committed on the front end to loving and being friends with everyone. So when we finally get together, relationship-building is intentional and thorough. You pretty much share your life story every day and by the end of the trip, everyone of the same gender has heard it (and you've heard theirs) and half or more the people of the opposite gender knows your story and struggles too. Over the course of the trip you laugh together, cry together, be absolutely crazy and obnoxious together and even experience some relational tension...pretty much all the makings of a family. Ultimately that is what it feels like and what it becomes - a family, for those three or more weeks. Goodbyes are really painful, and nearly everyone cries - even the guys, but that's a sign of good, deep bonds. Many will keep in touch in the ensuing days, months and years, but it will never feel the same as when you were all together.

Much of this does feel the same for us leaders, but over the years I have noticed a difference between the leaders and the students on the trip (outside of the fact that the leaders return year after year, while there is a fresh batch of students). My observation is this: for the most part, the students do not keep in contact with the leaders to the same extent that they do to the other students. I will withhold my interpretations for now, but I will say that for me, this reality has created a bit of a void, which has stirred this deeper contemplation.

This difference, and for me, this void, stirs up my own brokenness and insecurities, so I dwell on it more. I ponder: why do I feel this way? Obviously these trips provide a source of relational and emotional intimacy that is rarely found in the "real" world, at least as I've experienced it. Once a year I have this amazing family for three weeks, then for the rest of the year, it seems a struggle to connect with people the same way, especially after graduating from college (another important observation).

So I wonder, as I have for years: can this type of community exist in everyday life? Why doesn't or can't my small group feel this way? This is where stage of life has created even more of a chasm. In college, there were some experiences throughout the year of community like that, yet the older I've gotten and the more my friends and peers have gotten married, the farther I feel from the reality or possibility of that type of community in everyday life. So I wonder: maybe it's because I'm single.

So I return to thinking about the trip and now think about the married couples on the trip. Do they feel the same loss of intimacy and community that I do upon leaving a group and trip like this? Of course they do to some extent. However, I imagine it is also different. As married people, your "family" - your essential community and source of intimacy is self-contained, whereas us singles need to outsource to find "family", community and intimacy. Thus we find it on trips like these, and why I think it is likely sweeter but harder for singles to come and go, than for couples who have a partner that comes and goes with them and where they experience intimacy no matter when or what (as a general principle, with their spouse). The leaders who are single connect much like the students, yet the post-trip interaction is not the same between the leaders and students, which is how I began to notice all this in the first place.

Then, in everyday life, as more of my friends and peers have gotten married (and as I have remained single) I've noticed a significant difference in group dynamics between groups of mostly singles and groups of mostly married couples. Groups of singles seem closer, more intimate/vulnerable, and more committed as a group, whereas groups of mostly couples seem more disconnected and distant as a group, by comparison. As I thought about why, it finally dawned on me that it is probably precisely because they are married and therefore get much of their need for intimacy and vulnerability satisfied within their marriage, so it is less natural to initiate and engage in that intimacy and vulnerability within the group setting.

And that is where, as a single person living in the reality of an ever-increasing percentage of peers getting engaged and married (and having babies), I have less and less intimacy, and am more and more hungry for it. :\ There is a huge, but natural, shift between group dynamics and group intimacy between college and adulthood. And if you're like me, in the group of people that gets married later than all your friends and peers, it can be a challenge.

So, I guess this wasn't a "happy" post, but it seemed a monumental insight to me, and an important one in order to help keep my expectations in check, both for trips and for everyday life. I, like many others, live on the margins of society (in a sense), frequently experiencing loneliness due to being single. But I don't say this as a complaint, just stating a reality. I know I'm right where God has planned, and I trust that he will provide according to his good will and his perfect timing (not that it's not hard though). And he has taught me that in the period of patience and waiting on his timing to provide, he has provided himself and a different means of intimacy and community. I do long to be married and to experience the intimacy and community of a husband, but I know that ultimately, there is a source of intimacy and community that is even greater and deeper than that, and I can experience that, even now, when he grants it. So it is that I ache for more, yet I am content and satisfied.

Searching for Rescue

Connect
What are your top 5 favorite movies?  Chances are at least one, if not more, of those movies has a main theme of rescue and salvation.  That is no accident.  We all face difficult or undesired circumstances in life and want a way out.  Our love for these movies shows our desire to be rescued ourselves - we love them because we want that to be our story.

People in the Bible wanted rescue as well.  Let's take a look at where they searched, and found, salvation.

Someone Else's Story
Read Psalm 33.

What do you observe about this psalm?  What stands out to you?

Digging In
Where are you following counsel and plans that are not the LORD's?  Where are we as a nation following counsel and plans that are not the LORD's?  (Hint:  The counsel is failing and you're probably frustrated with the plan because it's not working out.)

Why are you/we following counsel and plans that are not the LORD's?

From what present circumstances do you/we desire rescue and salvation?

In what are you/we hoping for rescue and salvation from our present circumstances?  For eternity?

Are you/we waiting for the LORD, hoping and trusting in Him?  If not, where are you/we not trusting, hoping and waiting for Him, and why?

Now what?
Confess to God your belief and hope in other things for salvation and deliverance.  Even share your struggle of why you trust in those things rather than in Jesus.

Ask for forgiveness, and then thank him for it.  (Our assurance of forgiveness and gratitude can be based on 1 John 1:9.)

Ask for the Holy Spirit to fill you and help you to trust in Jesus for the rescue you want.  Then make a new confession of belief and hope in Jesus for that salvation and deliverance (even if you don't know what it will look like - He knows and you can trust His plan).

My Stuffing's Getting Ripped Out

This is what I was processing on the way home tonight.  If I tagged you, then it's probably because this came up in conversation one way or another.

It's like I've been a stuffed animal and God is making me into a puppet.  As humans there is only so much we can do with stuffed animals - we may be able to grab them and move them and talk, but it's not like what we can do with puppets - acting and speaking through them.  But what's the difference, they're both made of fuzzy material on the outside that represents their skin, their being?  The difference is that puppets are empty.  Stuffed animals are literally stuffed with stuffing, but puppets are totally empty.  But it is exactly their emptiness that allows us to act and speak through them.

That's how I feel about what I'm going through.  So often recently I've just been feeling completely empty, just totally void - lonely, alone, abandoned by the Church - empty, all there is is God but it doesn't even feel like he's there sometimes.  But the past couple of weeks he has shown up, through my job, through ministry.  Like Fastbreak or Monday's meeting or tonight - I'd be on my way to these things just crying out to God "I'm so empty that I can't do anything!  I NEED you to show up and fill me if I am to do anything good."  And he has been showing up.  But it's weird because I still feel empty.  But even in that good things are coming out of me.  Like tonight, I drove a student home.  She asked me for advice about something and I forewarned her that I was in a weird mood (feeling emotionally exhausted and just blah from my most recent conversation) and that I didn't know if anything I was about to tell her was going to make sense.  And then, from who knows where within me, I just started spitting out scriptures and truth and things Jesus said and I was like "I don't really know what I'm saying or if it's relevant or if it makes sense" and she was like "No, that's exactly what I needed to hear!"

So, I'm empty - I feel empty, but I guess what I've known in my head for years I am now finally starting to experience in my heart, that only when I'm empty of me can God really work through me.  He's been ripping out my stuffing so that he can stick his hand inside me to move my arms and lips.  I imagine for a stuffed animal (if they were living, feeling beings) it would be painful to be ripped open and have your stuffing ripped out.  And thus is our experience - painful.  And we are left feeling empty.  But somehow it's all good in the end because then we have that much more of God inside us and it is so much less of us acting and talking, but rather him, because we have nothing left.

I hope that makes sense.

And then to really seal it all in, he brought to mind the song "Empty Me" by Jeremy Camp.  So I just blasted it in my car the rest of the way home, like REALLY meaning what I was singing, because that's exactly how I felt.  I was a little hesitant at first to really beg him to empty me, because I know I don't like it, but after the repetitions of the song I sang more emphatically because I admitted that that was the best way - that I'm sick of being stuffed with things that aren't him and I WANT him to burn away all of my desires for the things, the sins, that keep tripping me up!  It was devastatingly wonderful.

I felt like I was bursting with all of this amazing work that he was doing in me and I had to share.

I had lost all hope...

Hope.... When I listened to my pastor's sermon about it last Sunday I thought, "Yeah, I know what hope is...I got this!" And even last night as we talked about it in Connect Group, I thought I had a pretty good handle on it. But this morning, God broke me down. There is (and has been) a situation in my life that has been really hard. Sometime in high school I just started ignoring it so I could go on living, but I know it's still there, and throughout college I began to acknowledge it again - just a little bit. I would pray about it every now and then, but it's just so hard that I can only handle acknowledging it for so long before it starts to disrupt my ability to carry out my daily responsibilities. Then I ignore it again, so I can be a functioning adult.  (Not the healthiest - I know.)

Well, a few weeks ago, I was challenged to pray for other people for 40 days.  The person at the center of this situation was the second thing on my list. As the days have gone on it has gotten harder to pray for this person/situation. Today I finally broke down and didn't want to pray anymore. I was mad at God because I can't see him doing anything. I've read about people that prayed everyday, without ceasing, for years and even until they died, without giving up. I want to be like them but today, I just wanted to give up.

I was so angry I wanted to just wail on God and walk away. I got one step away and he grabbed me and pulled me into his bosom. He embraced me despite my fight and held me there until I surrendered...really surrendered, not just my fight but let go of this hurt and anger. Then I felt his comfort...and hope.

Here's how it happened: I had given up on praying for the moment and went to do something else. Still distracted and wrestling internally, a friend calls, who happens to be in my Connect Group so she is familiar with the sermon and conversations around hope. When she asked how my morning was going, I was honest and said that it was hard. I shared everything, including some tears (which is hard and a big step for me). I realized that it is much easier for me to choose despair in this situation, and that's what I had finally done earlier in the morning. She commented on how it's hard to hope when there is no opportunity, and I agreed. That's why I had lost hope for this person, there is nothing else that can help her. Jesus is her ONLY hope. Jesus is MY only hope for her. Somehow, with that refreshed realization, God supernaturally renewed my hope. It seems so backwards to me, that I have hope, especially after acknowledging that there is no visible or logical hope for her. Like, huh? That doesn't make sense! But that's what hoping in Jesus is all about. It doesn't make the situation any easier, but I have hope, and what's better is that I can talk to the One that is my hope for her. I can sit at his feet and beg and plead, and he will never get tired of it. That's some love!

So what day is it after all?  I haven't been counting the days, but now I'm really curious how many days it's actually been.  After looking it up just now, today is actually day 40.  Wow - significant!  I am in awe of God and how he works.

From orphan to princess

I am a princess.

---

The jester of the kingdom used to harass me.   Then, years later, he finally stole me away and took me captive.  He bound me in painful chains in his dark dungeon.

“Why would anyone rescue me?  I was just a lowly servant girl, an orphan sent to the palace to work for the king.”

This was my identity.  This was my reality for many years, so when he came, I was scared.

The son of the king – the prince – came.  He left his luxurious palace to enter the ubiquitous darkness of the jester’s playground!  He fought the jester for me.  And just when I thought all hope was gone, that the prince was defeated, he rose in victory!  And the chains that once held me captive now bound the jester to that darkest of places.

We ride away from that place and he brings me up into the light that brings healing – the light of the kingdom.  He carries me to the king and asks that I would be adopted.  (I can scarcely believe it!)  The king smiles, and welcomes me with a hug.  He calls me “daughter”.  :)

I have a family now, and a home.  I have a new identity.

I once was enslaved to working for the king, but now I have the honor and pleasure of working with the king – my daddy!  Sometimes I get caught up in my old identity and my old way of working – I feel orphaned and that it is my duty to work, especially after everything he has done for me.  I forget that he is my dad and end up trying to pay him back because I just see him as my owner.  But he is patient and faithful to remind me of his love for me, his daughter, and that whether I am working or not he is pleased just to be together.

If I died right now...

...how many people would come to my funeral?  A question, no doubt, many people have wondered sometime in their life, whether out of depression or because they were at a funeral.

Recently, I was at a memorial service and this question began to run through my mind.  The Holy Spirit must have stopped it all of a sudden and made me realize how self-centered the question is.

Shouldn't we rather be wondering, "If I died right now, how many people would I see in heaven, on account of my sharing Jesus with them, being Jesus to them?"  This is a much better question.

How would you answer it?  Don't you desire more, just because Jesus is that awesome and worth knowing?

Eclipses, Jesus and Us

As I write this I am laying outside watching the lunar eclipse. It
reminds me of a spiritual truth I realized years ago through nature -
through eclipses.
As followers of Jesus Christ, we can compare ourselves and our
relationship to Jesus and the world with the solar system. The sun is
the Son - Jesus. The earth is the world. The moon is followers of Jesus.
The Son, like the sun, provides light and life. Most often we do not
see it directly, otherwise it's splendor would blind us. But we know
that it exists because of how it affects everything else; we know that
it exists because we see the world by it. The earth is the
representation of all those people and powers that are not submitting
to the lordship of Jesus. We/I would describe them as spiritually in
the dark - they do not experience the light and life of the Son.
Within the representation of the world is also our three-fold enemy -
our flesh, the world system, and Satan. The moon represents people who
trust Jesus as their Savior and follow him as Lord. Per the
relationship and lifestyle, we are always supposed to be reflectors of
his light and life - just like the moon reflects the light of the sun.
In and of itself, the moon is dark and lifeless and has not much to
offer. But properly reflecting the light of the sun, it is visible,
yet because of it's nature must give the praise to the sun for
providing the light. In this way, the world can see the Son's light
in the dark and without being blinded.
Now that we have the basics, here are a couple of warnings. We, as
followers of Jesus must be careful of the solar and lunar eclipses in
our spirituality.
A lunar eclipse happens when the earth gets between the sun and the
moon. The earth casts a shadow on the moon and it becomes dark. The
world can often get between followers of Jesus and Jesus himself. This
happens when we choose worldly things over Jesus or when we give into
temptation. The result is that we stop reflecting the light of the
Son, leaving the world at night in the dark.
A solar eclipse happens when the moon gets between the earth and the
sun, blocking out the sun and becoming dark in the process. When we,
as followers of Jesus, become prideful and want the world to see us,
give us praise and glory instead of Jesus - that is when we have a
spiritual solar eclipse. We try to take the spotlight but in the
process we become dark to the world, no longer properly reflecting the
light of the Son. We also block out his light and leave the world in
darkness and death.
Our purpose as the moon is to reflect the light and life of the Son,
but we must be careful not to allow the world to overshadow us and not
to allow our pride to get in the way of the world seeing the Son.

A Child in God's Family...a prayer

Heavenly Father, I am a child in your family.  I have entered your family by regeneration.  I have faith because your Spirit opened my heart to your Word.  I have been born again because your son died my first death.

I am adopted into your family - treated as an adult and given privileges in your family.  I have food and nourishment - your Word.  I am rich!  I have access to your wealth, and I can use it, for your glory.  I am rich with your grace, mercy, glory, wisdom, and goodness.  I have brothers and sisters with whom to share life - to be excited together about your glory and purpose and to encourage each other toward that glory and purpose.  Though we may speak different languages or look different or live far away, we have a lot in common - life in Jesus, love for Jesus, and concern for the world to know Jesus.  In our relationships we love, submit, encourage, care for, forgive and edify each other.  When we were born into your family, we got to throw away our old wardrobe, dirty and tattered.  In your grace, you lavished upon us a wardrobe of righteousness.  Instead of wearing out, these garments are continually renewed and strengthened so we look more and more like you!  And the best part is that this is only the beginning - what a future we have ahead of us!

As part of the family, we each have a unique purpose.  You want a big family and we have the great opportunity to welcome others into the family.  When we are united with your Spirit and with each other, we help others come to know you as Father too.  Then, as big brothers and sisters, we help each other grow and mature.  And then we live happily ever after (for realz for once, not like the movies).

Heavenly Father, thank you for bringing me into your family.

[This prayer is a reflection of my reading in:  Wiersbe, W. W. (1996). Be what you are:  12 intriguing pictures of the Christian from the New Testament.  Wheaton IL:  Tyndale House.]

Psalm 62 - first thoughts

God "randomly" directed me to Psalm 62 on Thursday.  I love it so much, and God is already using it to change my heart, so I just wanted to share some of my thoughts as I read through it the first couple times (so as you read my conclusions keep in mind that I have not fully studied this verse, so if my conclusions are off base or out of context, I am admitting to you right now that they might be).

Verses 1-2 and 5-8 are my favorite parts.

[verse 9] At first I did not understand what "balances" meant, but the second or third time I think I got it!
"in the balances they go up" - like, they do not bear much weight

[verse 5]
"For God alone, O my soul, wait in silence,..."
This is probably my favorite verse of the whole psalm.  I especially like that it is David talking to his own soul, and that when I read it, I am talking to my own soul (which I think has much power to affect change in me).  In addition to that, I feel like being positive and patient is my big struggle with my flesh right now.  I must confess and apologize for any negativity that I have conveyed towards this process of developing my team of ministry partners.  It may be challenging, but that does not give me the right or freedom to be negative, as I feel I have been doing.  God has called all of us to do everything without complaining or arguing.  So I like the directness and challenge of this verse to be silent in the waiting.  It helps me to not speak negatively towards something that is good, but to remain silent if all I want to do is grumble.
"...for my hope is from him."
My hope is from him, not from my partners, not from my efforts, not from money and not from my circumstances, all of which are things in which I have sometimes hoped instead of God.

[verse 6]
"...if riches increase, set not your heart on them."
I feel that this is a very applicable warning/reminder for me as I begin to think about receiving a bigger paycheck in the (hopefully near) future.  I must be careful not to put my hope and trust in money, but always in my Provider, Jesus.  My comfort and peace comes not from "enough money" but from my Lord, my Provider.

[verse 12]
"...For you will render to a man according to his work."
(As a side note:  I don't understand how this fits in with the context.  Hopefully it will be revealed to me soon, so I can have an accurate interpretation and application of this verse.)
I must admit, this verse scares me a little.  But only in my sense of guilt that maybe I am not doing enough or that I could/should be doing more.  Despite my continued effort in building my team of ministry partners, I frequently feel like I could/should be doing more.  I recognize that this may be conviction or may be a lie from the enemy (or maybe a little of both).  So I am trying to be careful with my conclusions from this verse, especially considering that I have not dug into it yet.  From that mindset, I wonder if maybe I would be closer to my financial goal if I had just done more or worked harder.  But I know that I cannot dwell on that for too long, or it will get me into trouble!
But, on a positive note, this verse is a good challenge for me to aim higher - to ask God for and pursue more opportunities, more contacts, and more dials.
Yet in all this focus on "my work", I recognize that even that is from the Lord.  For my abilities, skills and desires come from him.  I can work because of him and I see results because of him.

For about a week prior to stumbling upon this psalm I had recognized that I needed a perspective change and I had been asking God for just that.  Though it is only the beginning of it, I feel like this is the perspective that I need.  I really look forward to digging into this psalm more, and I am especially looking forward to God changing my heart through it.

My blogging woes!

So I really do like to write, and it is my aim to blog regularly (like once a week to start).  I even have lots of ideas and topics that come to me and I think, "I should blog about that."  But I rarely take the time (because I feel like I don't have the time).  But today I had some time that I thought "Oh!  I could blog!"  Then I got on here and didn't know what to write.  Sometimes breaking the ice is just so hard!  So I hope that this will be the first of a long string of regular blogs.

With that being said, I really want to share some pictures from my "College weekend" with my friends.  The idea behind college weekend was to do crazy things and stay up late, as if we were in college again.  So the last day of our college weekend was Punk Day.  And instead of explaining it myself, I will direct you to a website where you can get a short intro and then see pictures, which are AWESOME!  So check it out!  http://ktcrabbphotography.com/blog/2010/11/04/just-for-fun/

And P.S. - Katie is an awesome photographer, so if you have any photo needs you should definitely give her a call!  She does family sessions - perfect for the holidays!

Honestly...

I had a brief conversation with a friend and partner today.  Usually, I struggle to put into words an answer to the question, "how are you?" but today had some success.  I thought I would share it in case you were wondering.
Friend:  How are you?
Me:  I am not really enjoying the rollercoaster that is life.  The undertone of my summer has been discouragement, so it has been rough some days.  I cannot wait for this season of life to be over.
Friend:  Still see Student Venture as the path the Lord is keeping you on?
Me:  Definitely.  It is just a hot fire of a process to get there - God is burning off impurities in my life, which is great, but as I am confronted with my vast wretchedness I struggle to thrive in His grace, and instead get stuck in my habit of guilt and same.

Sometimes I feel so far from experiencing the gospel in my daily life.  Please pray for the spiritual warfare that is going on for my heart and affections, for my mind and attitudes.  I long to experience God's waterfall of grace, yet I have a dam of guilt that keeps me as dry and weary as a desert.  Pray that God demolishes that dam of guilt for me.

I feel like a parent

I went back to my youth group tonight.  It has been a while since I have gone to youth group back home.  It felt weird going into it, and the weirdness never really left.

Going into it felt weird, I guess, because I had not been there in a while.  One of my girls I knew would be off at college, and that was weird to me too.  After I got there, I found out that it is actually the last Sunday for a lot of the people that are headed off to college for the first time.  Last year I had one girl graduate high school and go off somewhere.  Next year I will have one or two graduate and go off to college.  But this year, four graduated and are headed off to college.  It is weird.  I cannot believe it has been four years since I began pouring into some of these girls.  I think I feel a fragment of what parents must feel when their children go off to college.

"Did I do a good job?" was the first question that ran through my mind.  But I remembered that it is not about me, so I thought about Jesus.  "Did I teach and train them well?  Was I faithful with those whom I was given?  Are they going to go off to college and their relationships with Jesus survive?"  For the first time I was realizing that I had only a limited amount of time to disciple these girls.  So many things ran through my mind that I wish I had thought of, or realized, years ago, when I was entrusted with these girls.  Lessons that I learned theoretically now became steeped in reality.  I feel like I finally realized practically, that my influence in many students lives will be short.  Looking ahead to whenever I start ministry with Student Venture, I will be able to go into it with a realization that I only have four, three, two years or less with these students, and then my time is up.  Discipleship is urgent!

I am glad I am learning this lesson now, instead of four years into my ministry with Student Venture.  I hope and pray that I always keep this in mind as more students are entrusted to my care and discipleship.

As for my girls that are now headed off to college, it is another lesson in faith to trust that God will keep them close.  It is difficult to let the birds fly from the nest, but it is time, and it is necessary.