Honestly...

I had a brief conversation with a friend and partner today.  Usually, I struggle to put into words an answer to the question, "how are you?" but today had some success.  I thought I would share it in case you were wondering.
Friend:  How are you?
Me:  I am not really enjoying the rollercoaster that is life.  The undertone of my summer has been discouragement, so it has been rough some days.  I cannot wait for this season of life to be over.
Friend:  Still see Student Venture as the path the Lord is keeping you on?
Me:  Definitely.  It is just a hot fire of a process to get there - God is burning off impurities in my life, which is great, but as I am confronted with my vast wretchedness I struggle to thrive in His grace, and instead get stuck in my habit of guilt and same.

Sometimes I feel so far from experiencing the gospel in my daily life.  Please pray for the spiritual warfare that is going on for my heart and affections, for my mind and attitudes.  I long to experience God's waterfall of grace, yet I have a dam of guilt that keeps me as dry and weary as a desert.  Pray that God demolishes that dam of guilt for me.

Lift.10 wrap up

My trip to Ridgecrest, NC went well.  I got an alignment and a whole new set of tires for my car, so it ran well.  I spent less on gas than I thought I would.  :)  It was a long drive, but having somebody with me made the time pass more quickly.

Here are some highlights from the week:

• Beautiful weather in the mountains; definitely not as hot as Florida.
• Afternoon adventures hiking the mountain trails.  Rattlesnake Summit was my favorite!
• Passionate messages from Student Venture's national director.  I always like hearing from him.  His messages encourage and challenge me.  I am proud to have him as my National Director.
• Corporately praising our great God and Savior through song.
• Joining together in prayer for ourselves, our teams and our students.
• Having time to connect and pray with our city and department teams.
• Deepening existing friendships and starting new ones.  Student Venture really feels like a family.  I feel so loved and cared for, and just enjoy being with the team.
• Sharing a burden with a friend during the car trip.  We talked extensively about a difficulty I am facing, and more so than that, got to lift it up to God in prayer.  It was wonderful!

A Student Venture conference cannot be complete without silly games during the sessions - this is one of those games.

 Table friends (Kelly, me, Kar-Lai, and Sheridan) and table fun!  :)  (the sweat bands were for a game we played later that day)

My favorite time of the conference was the city time. I got together with the six other staff members on the Orlando team.  We shared a little about how our summer was going.  We also shared about what God was speaking to us through the conference.  It was really encouraging to hear that I was not alone in the issue God pointed out to me.  In fact, it seemed as though the whole team was struggling with the same issue - some facet of pride.  In hearing others share about it, I felt the freedom to be honest with them about my own struggle.  It is nice to be known for who I am, shortcomings and all, yet still embraced as a much desired part of this team, this family.  We also got to talking about the coming semester and the unknown that stands before us.  Our previous directors have moved on to a difference aspect of SV, so some of our team members are the new directors.  God also seems to be calling one family, potentially, to an international SV ministry.  We are not sure what that looks like yet, but it could mean that our team would become even smaller.  A theme that God seemed to be speaking to us separately, yet all together, is prayer.  As we look to this coming school year, prayer seems to be our strategy.  It is very fitting, since we do have so much unknown in front of us.  Since prayer was such a large topic of our discussion, we stopped talking and just prayed.  We prayed probably for as long as we talked.  It is awesome to be part of a team that is (or will be) committed to prayer.  It is awesome to be part of a team that is okay with tears and emotion.  It is awesome to be a part of this SV Orlando family.  I cannot wait to join them on the field.

Thank you for praying for this trip and conference.  Please continue to pray for our team and the unknown in front of us.  Please continue to also pray for new financial partners to join my team so that I can report to the field as soon as possible, to reach more teenagers with the love and truth of Jesus.

Getaway 2010 - Day 2

Last night I was hoping to talk with my girls about struggles in their lives.  The evening message was about being vulnerable in community and was really good.  The first half of our Chat Room we talked about emotions (something else the speaker mentioned).  We had some great discussion and one of the girls really got the idea that it does not matter what or how many bad things a person has done, that they are declared righteous by their faith.

Somehow there was a natural break halfway through, and I felt like I lost them.  They got rowdy and could not get back on track.  We laughed a lot but eventually I sent them to bed.

I do not mind them having fun, but at the same time there is so much growth and depth that I feel like they will miss if we do not get the chance to talk about deeper things.  Pray that we will get there when the time is right, and that I will have the discernment to know when to lead the discussion that way.  I certainly do not want to rush things, but also do not want to miss the window of opportunity.

This morning during our staff meeting, one of the other Orlando leaders shared a story of how God is working in the guys' hearts.  One guy in particular, one of the student leaders, was struggling with something pretty big and it was weighing heavily upon his heart.  The leader could see on his countenance that somethings was going on inside so he asked.  When the boy finally opened up, he just started crying - hardcore crying.  The Orlando leader did not say much more before his buddies started rallying around him, hugging on him and supporting him.  Eventually, other Orlando guys heard about this guy struggling and they ran to the room to support him.  So picture all these young men, all of them crying for their brother, hugging him, supporting him, and encouraging him.

I love to hear stories like that, to hear how God is working in the hearts of guys, raising them up to be men of God.

I also want to share a story about another guy with whom God has blown me away.  I met him through our seminar times (he is actually from Chattanooga).  The topic of our seminar has been teaching students to reach out to groups on their campuses and to disciple others.  The one guy really cares about the lost at his campus.  He prayed for our table in regards to reaching out to others and his heart really shone through.  He had scripture hidden in his heart that came out in his prayer along with his compassion for his fellow classmates.  He asked questions about strategies and such.  It was really refreshing to me to hear these teenagers filled with such compassion like Jesus and wondering how and planning even to reach his campus.  He and another guy at the table want to go to Venezuela this summer on a mission trip.  I think this trip would be great for them - great experience and especially great training and equipping for returning to their schools in the fall with the intent to reach their campus.  The only thing that stands in their way is $3000 that they (collectively) need to raise in order to go on the trip.  So pray for God to provide financial partners for Jack and Trent to be able to go on this mission trip.

Getaway 2010 - Day 1

It has been a busy almost 24 hours since we have arrived here in SC.  There are over 600 teenagers and interns/volunteers/staff here this week to grow in their relationship with God (or to begin that relationship).  Last night, the speaker gave a very clear presentation of the best news of all time and we have already had some students respond by placing their faith in Jesus as their Lord and Savior.  Woohoo, praise God!!!!!!  This week we have the privilege of having the band Tenth Avenue North lead us in worship through music.  They have already been a blessing to myself and to students.  One of my girls was explaining last night that one of the songs really helped her connect with and experience God.  It was so cool to hear!

I have a few more girls in my Chat Room than I thought I would, but I am so glad to have them all.  You can be praying for Lindsey, Susan, Kayla, Alison, Rachel, Maggie, and Kara.  I was so glad that during our first Chat Room they were really honest about where they feel like they are at spiritually coming into this conference.  On a scale of 0 (being "I don't care about God") to 5 ("could be better, could be worse") to 10 ("Godisthebestthingever, Ilovehim,Ilovehim,Ilovehim!"), the lowest was 2.5 and the highest was a 7 or 8, and everyone else was in between.  That may seem like a wide range to handle, but what I really like is that they all came to grow spiritually.  Their passion for change overflowed in their answers to my questions - they are all SO hungry for more of God.  IT JUST EXCITES ME!  Pray for me as I challenge these girls to grow in their faith and lead them to know what steps to take next.  I sometimes find myself surprised that they do not know, to me, what seems so elementary as far as a relationship with God goes; but it brings me back to the reality that they are still young spiritually, which is great!  (We were all babies at one point, right?)  I am excited that I get to reveal more of Jesus' love and redemption with these girls.

Reaching out

Last Friday I was on my way to an appointment when I saw a man at an intersection asking for help.  Sadly, this is not an uncommon sight.

<< Rewind<<  A while ago I became discontent.  Driving by these people every week I wondered what I could do.  As a Christian, am I not supposed to be helping the less fortunate?  Many thoughts of safety and questions of actions went through my mind.  I continued to drive by these people and be reminded of my discontent.  I was frustrated with the call/desire to help but no idea how.  I kept praying.

Finally, I had an idea - gift cards - a practical way to help, while not risking money being spent on drugs or alcohol.  So I decided to make a care package of sorts.  I bought some gift cards to healthy-ish food places and put it in a card with an encouraging note.  I, of course, do not want to meet only someone's physical need but want to make sure I minister to their spiritual need as well.  So in the card I included a small book that explains the Gospel.  I made a few of these care packs and put them in my glove compartment so they would always be handy.  My hope was that this care package communicates that someone cares about them and that they have worth, ministering to their felt-need and their real need.

>>Flash forward>>  I decide to pull over and give one of these care packages to this man.  I parked and crossed the street.  I shook his hand, introduced myself, and asked him about his situation.  His name is Ronnie.  He has some kind of blood disease and lost half of one of his legs.  He is unemployed, thus the reason he was out there.  I gave him the card and explained I had to go because I was on my way to an appointment.  I told him I would pray for him.  He was very grateful.

I wanted to ask you to say a quick prayer for him too.

I also challenge you to think about how you can reach out to others in need.  Will you make care packs like mine?  Will you get creative and think of other ways to reach out to others in need?  If you do come up with other ideas I would like to hear them, so tell me about them.  Of course asking God to provide for others is good.  But we have to beware that we are not praying for God to provide for those in need only through other people.  If we have the ability would not our faith and love move us to take action ourselves and be the answer to our own (and others') prayers?  James 2:15–16 (ESV) says, "If a brother or sister is poorly clothed and lacking in daily food, and one of you says to them, 'Go in peace, be warmed and filled,' without giving them the things needed for the body, what good is that?"  I would be so bold as to say that if we have the ability to reach out to others in need and are praying for God to provide for them, yet are not taking any action personally, then we are lying to ourselves and to God in that we really do not want God to provide for them.  So ask God how you can help others in need...and do it!

Miscellaneous and application update

Well, that is my first flat tire. It took a flat tire for God to get me to stop and rest a little. Usually it's not that bad, but sometimes he does need to do something drastic like that.

Previously I mentioned that I have a summer job. Well, what I think I have failed to make clear to most people is that I will be moving for the summer in order to work at that job. So tomorrow I pack, move an hour and a half away, and unpack. I hope I can get it all done in one day; and that I don't forget anything too important and have to make another trip.

I went to Islands of Adventure today with the students from my internship. It was lots of fun!


Ok, so now for the more lengthy and more important stuff - the application update. Yesterday I met with a woman on staff to discuss further some things I had written in my application. When I was filling out my application I was very honest (as I thought I should be even though it was unnerving). Some of the things that I mentioned came as red flags to the staff that was processing my application; which I completely understand. So this woman heard of this and wanted to talk face-to-face and get a better feeling of how I am doing with this stuff. It was a good conversation. But I am left more unsure than I was before. I am less confident that this is God's plan, but I don't have any other desires that come close to this one, and I don't know what else I would do if I don't get this job, so.....I still think I'll get it, I'm just not so sure. I completely understand their concerns, and identify/agree with one in particular - one very important one that I had not thought of before. I left with the feeling that I have a 50-50 chance of acceptance. (One thing I really appreciated was the woman's honesty with me, and thus, the reasons I know these things and more.) I don't know what is best and I'm not going to make that decision; I'm going to let someone else make that decision and pray that if this is not God's best for me that he would close the door on this opportunity. Sorry so vague, I just don't have much time to explain more, plus I don't know how much I would want to share, so yeah.... I hope to hear back from them by the end of this week or the middle of next week at the latest. Please pray that God would give these people his supernatural wisdom to know what decision to make. Thanks.

I finally got some time to write!

Hello blog readers!  I came home from campus early today so I could catch up my blog.  There is much to say so I won't waste time.

Monday through Friday we go to the university campus to engage students in spiritual discussion, with hopes to share the Gospel.  God is doing amazing things here.  There have been close to two hundred conversations, and about 50% of them we were able to share the Gospel.  Three people have trusted Christ, that we know of, and there are numerous others that desire to trust Christ but were not comfortable praying right there (we have yet to hear from them).  Praise God for our new brother and sisters!  The response here is great; people are very open to hearing what we have to say and often tell us they've never heard that message before.  It is amazing how students can go their whole lives, going to Catholic or Christian schools, and going to church with their parents, and never hear a clear explanation of the Gospel.  They often tell us how good of news it is.  Keep praying for God to open hearts here - it is working!

We have seven days left on campus, which is very sad.  We will be leaving soon, but these students that we've talked to will be staying.  So be in prayer for the students involved in Student Life (the Aussie version of Campus Crusade).  Pray that they may be faithful and effective in follow-up and discipleship of these people to whom we have talked.

Well, I guess that's all I really feel like writing.  If I start adding anymore details, I will go on forever.  Don't forget you can email me and I would be happy to tell you more that way.

On My Way : )

Well, I sit here on the plane to L.A. as I write this, but I want to
tell you how God has gotten me here and where I am at.

I could tell of the many ways God provided financially, but I'll share
just one cool story and the lesson I learned. I had a fun/movie
fundraiser night last Saturday. I knew I needed $230 after hearing of
$600 that was coming my way, and that just to cover the project, not
my stateside plane ticket. So out of 11 or so college students, God
provided the $230 exactly that I needed, down to the quarters and
dimes. And from that dollar in change he taught me a lesson about his
providence. Though something may seem small and insignificant it is
not of any less worth, and without it my need would not have been met.
Who am I to not count any part of God's providence? God will provide
in ways we would not recognize or accept sometimes, but unless we take
that which he has given us, we are only robbing ourselves. I have
raised over $4400 (although somehow I only have $4300; I'll have to
figure that out when I get back). And he is still continuing to meet
my goal. Praise God! He is good.

I'm excited that the time has finally come, but there is something I
didnt expect. God is working in my heart to resolve the wounds from my
past. It is hard and I find myself sad. It seems like such bad timing,
but I'm sure God knows what he's doing. It is difficult being away
from friends and my support system for this hard time. Honestly, I
don't like it. But I trust God to comfort me and I am interested to
see how he is going to use this special time to work in my heart. I
know he worked last year through a woman on my team and has continued
to work through her frequent support and encouragment. Too bad she's
not here this time; that would make things so much easier. But I
rejoice in the trials because they provide opportunities to grow so
much more than being comfortable.

Please be praying for:
•the work God is doing in my heart and how I cope with it on this trip
•our team as we meet and get to know each other
•team unity
•preparation for ministry at Newcastle Uni
•the many divine appointments, on and off campus, that God has for us
•safe, productive, and fun travels (it is around a 14/15 hour flight
I believe, then the train and bus adventures in Australia)

I'm here safely and awaiting my baggage and to meet my team. : D

Praises and frustrations

Wow, a lot has been going on recently. School is really rough. I don't really understand what I'm doing wrong, but it's not going well. I wish God would tell me how to make it better.

As you can see from my last few posts, God has been telling me some cool things.

Support raising has been interesting. The first month the support flooded my mailbox. After I sent in the checks for my first deadline, it stopped. I didn't get any responses for a few weeks. Then I started to get a few. I'm not worried so much as I am confused and just wondering what God is doing (or what I'm doing wrong). On a better note, I received an email from our project director this week saying that he fiddled with the budget and now we only need to raise $4,200, a difference of $500. So, I guess my new goal is $4,600. With that new goal I am at 58% of my goal, with $1,920 to go. Amazing.

One of the tasks the project directors ask us to do is to write our testimony, memorize it, and then practice sharing it in a group setting, large or small. Well, I've worked on my testimony quite a bit, and actually just updated it recently. I've memorized it pretty well and practiced with friends over lunch or dinner. The practice was greatly needed. The first time I practiced with a friend was horrible. I kept stopping, messing up, laughing. It just took way too long to get through it, but I appreciate her patience with me. The following day I practiced two more times, and there was great improvements. Then, that night, I shared my testimony with our Summer Crusade meeting of about 100 people. Everyone said I did really well, my voice wasn't shaky and I had everybody's full attention. I feel good about it. I had class right beforehand, and as class was coming to a close I started to get nervous. Immediately I began to pray for God's peace. I placed it in His hands completely and rested in Him being in control. I put on some music as I walked across campus to get my mind of the nervousness and to help me keep praying. By the time Summer Cru started, I wasn't nervous at all. Praise God for hearing my prayer and answering me. It will be interesting to see if and how God will use it in the coming weeks. My prayer is that He use it to break down walls that people have built around their heart. Some of the things I said are taboo in the church and no one has ever really mentioned it at Crusade before. It was scary to be so vulnerable to judgment, but I know that ultimately God is my Judge and He sees me blameless and pure. At the same time, it was really exciting, because these are real issues that exist that need to be talked about and discussed. I hope that by my vulnerability those taboo barriers would be demolished. I want to see people freed from their pasts so they can worship God with their whole hearts and whole lives, not just the parts of which they are unashamed.

That night, Matt (our speaker), talked about what a disciple is. He said that a disciple finds their identity in Christ, and that that identity expresses itself in worship, community, and mission. I found it perfect, because the theme of my testimony is identity and how God has changed my identity. I could easily see in my life how my changed identity has impacted my worship, community, and mission. I hope others could have seen that concrete connection too.

But more than that, our church communities need some serious help. It's not a community at all. How many times do we run into someone and say that everything in our life is peachy keen, when in reality we are in a deep struggle with pain and/or sin. How can we welcome in broken strangers, when we are unwilling to be broken before each other, our brothers and sisters, family!? How can we expect strangers to come into our church bodies and be real with us when we are fake with each other? I freely share my testimony, first of all to praise God and give Him the glory, and secondly, to be real with my brothers and sisters. There is great encouragement that comes from knowing the struggles and weaknesses of others. We realize we are not alone. We can talk about our lives and experience healing. I praise God for the life that He has touched already by my testimony. There is too much judging that goes on in the church. That is why we are often fake, because we are afraid of judgment. If a member of the body is afraid of judgment, why do we even wonder why new people never come to church, they are just as afraid of that same judgment. We need to get off our high horses, admit our own faults and weaknesses, and welcome in those who don't know the forgiveness of God. It is not our place to judge, but it is our place to love like Jesus loved. It makes me so sick that people don't want to go to church because they think people would look down on them for their lifestyle and choices. Who do we think we are? The saddest part is that they are right. There are so many Christians who look down on others and think that they are so much better. Are they any better than the pharisees, whom looked down upon the "sinners?" We have such pride issues. I tell you the truth, that those who look down on others are worse off than those upon whom they look. We are a bunch of idol worshipers. And you know what that idol is? Ourselves. We meditate on ourselves and all that entails, rather than God and his goodness. Who cares if we are broken? I'm glad that I'm broken and I want to tell the world about it because all the more will God get the glory for fixing me. I think I better stop ranting now.

So as for prayer requests for me, please please please please please pray for whatever is going on this semester with school. Ask God to reveal to me what I need to be doing to be successful. Continue to pray that He provide financial and prayer partners for me and for those on my project. Also pray for the relationships I have in which God is working right now, a friend and classmates. I feel like we're on the brink of breakthrough in someone's life and am so anxious for Him to just hurry and get on with. I guess I need some more patience in waiting on His timing. One of my biggest struggles right now is giving up time on schoolwork in order to spend time on these relationships, which is one reason why school isn't going so well, because my work is not getting done like it should be. So frustrating. Pray for encouragement, because I am getting discouraged. Thanks.

Support update

I received two more envelopes today. One that really made me smile came from the Z radio station (88.3 FM). I love that they don't even know me, yet obey God by faith, and support a sister. Ahh, I love family. : ) So now I have 85% to go! Awesome! God is good.

My first financial deadline is coming up in two weeks - May 1st. I need to have $1650 total by then. I have $925 dollars to raise in two weeks. =O So far 92 support letters have been sent out...that is amazing! I remember last year when I struggled to come up with 50 names of people to whom I could send letters. Of those, 9 have responded thus far. : ) Aside from letters I guess I'm starting to brainstorm ideas for fundraisers. I'm thinking maybe a field day, bake/dessert sale, movie night-in (stolen idea), ooh, maybe even a walk/jog-a-thon! That would be sweet!

With that said, please be praying for the development, planning, and implementation of a fundraiser (most likely the walk/jog-a-thon for now). Ask God to give me wisdom about location, date, time, etc, and the logistics of how it works. And of course, be praying for God to call on people to participate and help me raise money - without people it will be pointless.

God's calling is getting louder

So I'm a junior at UCF and I will be graduating next spring. As this realization has made it's way to the surface of my thoughts I have begun to think about what's next. I can't stay with my uncle forever and I would like to move out into a place of my own, and preferably live with some friends, but who knows. But more so than that, what's after graduation? God had revealed some options last semester and they have become more clear over the course of this semester. Some have already started to fade in light of God's plan being revealed. I have been really praying and asking God "What's next?" for about, a week I guess. Tonight, I think I got my answer, or at least the beginnings of one. I was driving home from Crave tonight and the song that just 'happened' to be playing (God does this a lot - uses music to speak to me while I'm driving) was "Lead Me to the Cross" by Hillsong (AmAzInG band!). Here are the lyrics, the bold, italicized ones are the words that really reached my heart tonight.

Savior I come
Quiet my soul remember
Redemptions hill
Where Your blood was spilled
For my ransom
Everything I once held dear
I count it all as lost

Lead me to the cross
Where Your love poured out
Bring me to my knees
Lord I lay me down
Rid me of myself
I belong to You
Lead me, lead me to the cross

You were as I
Tempted and trialed
You are
The word became flesh
Bore my sin and death
Now you're risen

To your heart
To your heart
Lead me to your heart
Lead me to your heart

So like I said I've been praying a lot about what God has next for me. Basically the options that I see are get a teaching job and/or continue school, or intern with Crusade (Campus Crusade for Christ). Originally I thought I would be interning with Student Venture the high school ministry of Cru, but tonight I had a new thought. I thought about this semester. I have been so overwhelmed lately with school and homework that has been put on the back burner, mainly just one class, but nonetheless the back burner. I love school and especially the curriculum that I'm learning. I love going to class and learning this stuff and when I leave I can't wait to go study it...but it doesn't happen like that. (Everything I once held dear I count it all as lost.)

Rewind a second. Last summer I went on summer project with Crusade to Newcastle, Australia (and I'm going again this summer!). God did a major work in my heart and when I came back I had a fire burning within me. I had a passion for prayer and evangelism. So I started some prayer meetings, that eventually fizzled out (because they were at 7:30 in the morning) but the times we met were amazing and I really miss it. Somewhere toward the end of the semester I met up with a friend and we started to do spiritual surveys once a week. This semester we continued with the weekly evangelism. It is one of the greatest blessings in my life. I meet so many people and although I haven't seen much fruit from it, I see God working in students' hearts and I see fruit in my life, as well as others who join me. God has continued to increase my passion for His people and expanding His Kingdom.

So to finally tie all these loose ends together...I feel like God is calling me into full-time ministry (wow, that's a scary thing to say, admit, realize, and accept). Probably not my whole life, but at least for a period. Each week I am so encapsulated by doing His work that homework doesn't even matter anymore. It sounds terrible, I know, and I feel bad sometimes that I'm not giving more attention to school, but this is where God has taken my heart. I am currently discipling a fellow college student. I can't explain how much of a joy it is to spend time with this girl and tell her about Jesus and the wonderful things He has for her. I can't even describe with words how it makes my heart soar, to be used by God in such a life-changing way, and make that kind of an impact in somebody's life! You can't get any better than that! I also am a part of giving free hugs on Wednesdays, which is way cool. I mention these things not to try to make myself look good or righteous but to give you an idea of the passions God has put on my heart. When I think about all that I have to do right now, I would much rather be producing eternal fruit rather than just finite knowledge. All this to say that I have a passion for high school and middle school students, but I also have a passion for college students and maybe God is calling me to intern with Crusade at UCF and then Student Venture a little later. I can't think of anything better than sharing God with students all day.

This is big, scary, and I know it. I feel it and it's slightly terrifying. What will my family say? Will they understand? But as terrifying as it is, it's so wonderful and good, because God is calling me to such a larger adventure than I would have taken, and it's exciting! I know He will take care of me, I just have to find rest in that peaceful truth. So please be praying for me as God continues to reveal His will and continues to show me where He is taking me the next few years. Pray for confirmation and peace to come to my soul. Thanks.