Running...seeking

I know it's been a while since I've written...I'll catch you up eventually, just not now.

I feel like...I'm being fought over. At this very moment, as I browse some websites, considering my future, Satan is pulling at my soul. Oh, but God is so much stronger. It seems so clear but not at all. I've been distant for a while, but God has been so faithful in drawing me back to his heart. Oh how wonderful he is! So I must pray. I must seek his face, his wisdom...his plan. What will my future hold? I have pieces of a vision. It's like this jig-saw puzzle. I don't have the box and I don't have a clue what the completed puzzle looks like - only God knows that. But I feel like I have some small pieces that relate to the near future. They are pretty clear and I am excited about them. Then I have some other pieces from which I can see a much bigger picture, but it is still fuzzy, there are few details to discern. I feel like I know where I'm headed, but the time has finally come, where that is not enough. Seeking God is now the only peace I will be able to find concerning some decisions that are soon to come.

I want to cry because I feel so ill prepared. If only I had not wondered from this path I would probably already know these things that I will soon seek. It makes me sad to think of all the things on which I may have missed out. So many blessings over which I chose worldly satisfactions. Oh how I wish I could go back...but I don't even know when I left the path. All I know is now I'm approaching it again. Looking back I see my chosen path and hidden is the path I could have, should have taken. If only I had stuck to the plan I would probably know the answers by now.

But...I know I cannot think like this. Coulda-shoulda-woulda's and if-only's only get you in trouble. God has grace on me and I need to give myself grace like he does. One thing of which I was reminded on retreat this weekend is that taking revenge on someone strips them of experiencing God's grace. I've been taking revenge on myself by not giving myself grace. And I've been cutting off myself from God's grace by doing so. Ouch.... What is a girl to do? I am so thankful that my life is in his hands and there's not much I can do that will mess it up. And though I stray, whether it be miles or a few inches, HE is faithful to leave the path, come find me, take my hand and walk me back to the path. The thought of the enormity of his love frequently overwhelms me; I am so grateful.

I have been in this place before
feeling so near to the end of my rope
Numb inside
God where are you now?

It's raining all around me
and I'm lost in the storm
This boat is sinking quickly
and I'm far from the shore

So hold me and catch me
don't let me sink in my sin
Love me, restore me
bring new life within

Lord you know I have loved you from the start
so long ago I gave you my heart

Now it's raining all around me
and I'm lost in the storm
This boat is sinking quickly
and I'm far from the shore

So hold me and catch me
don't let me sink in my sin
Love me, restore me
bring new life within

God I know there is promise of your peace
found in the words you've spoken to me

Now it's raining all around me
and I'm lost in the storm
This boat is sinking quickly
and I'm far from the shore

So hold me and catch me
don't let me sink in my sin
Love me, restore me
bring new life within
(repeat)

["Hold Me" by 11:28]

So I am running back to the place I never should have left. Oh how I have been longing. I'm finding that answers aren't really what I want...he is what I want. Answers will come, but for him I cannot wait.