Transitions

So it has been a few days since returning from Getaway and there are some things on my mind and heart in the way of transitions.

Most obvious to me is my feelings of loneliness.  Whenever I return from a trip that involves being around people almost all day, whether it be a week or 7, I almost always feel lonely.  I miss people and the intimacy that I usually experience every day on trips like that.

At Getaway I had places to go every day and people to love and disciple - I had purpose.  Coming back home seems like such a stark contrast to that and I am struggling with feelings of purposelessness.  Without many interactions with people I feel like I do not have much purpose to my days.

Overall, I think I am struggling with the basic fact that I am trying to fit a changed person into a home, an environment, a world that is not changed.  While at Getaway, I had experiences that do not fit into my "normal" life back in the "real world".  I am changed, yet the world I have come back to is no different than when I left and I struggle to be the different I have become.  It is very tempting to just return to the person I was and the ways I went prior to Getaway.

...

As someone so recently and so clearly noticed about me, I am a doer.  I struggle with resting.  It seems a theme that has been spoken into my life by two godly women the past two days.

As I read my thoughts and struggles above I wonder if my heart is even in the right place, for if I were finding all my satisfaction and worth in my relationship with and identity in Jesus, then would I not be okay?  There are such fine lines between love and idolatry that I feel like I am walking.  I pray that I do not focus on God for his benefit in ministry, for that would make ministry an idol.  I pray that I do not focus on God and his character for the benefit of knowledge, for that would make knowledge an idol.  I pray I do not focus on actions for or with God, for that would make work an idol.  Can I be satisfied with just him?  I pray that I can come to a place when and where I seek God just for him.

I am beginning to see that maybe my challenge for now is to rest - to rest in the presence of my Lord, to rest in the truth that he supplies EVERYTHING I need - that he is my company and provides the intimacy for which I long, and that so long as I am in union with him, I will remain the changed person he is working in me to be, despite in what environment I am.

I guess I am feeling the tension between my renewed spirit and my sin-stained heart and mind.

Romans 7:22–23 (ESV)

22 For I delight in the law of God, in my inner being, 23 but I see in my members another law waging war against the law of my mind and making me captive to the law of sin that dwells in my members.

Galatians 5:17 (ESV)
For the desires of the flesh are against the Spirit, and the desires of the Spirit are against the flesh, for these are opposed to each other, to keep you from doing the things you want to do.

But praise God for Romans 8:1-11 and Galatians 5:18!  What a wonderful God that loves me!

Getaway 2010 - Wrap Up

Days three and four we spent the afternoon doing outreach on the beach.  I was amazed and captivated by the creativity of the outreaches we did.  Some people did tug-of-war, some did slow motion football, and some just handed out free bottles of water.  The coolest part of our conference outreach was the battle.  We had two “armies” consisting of our guys painted up and armed with cardboard shields and weapons.  Buses dropped us and them off at two locations and we drew a crowd to follow us to the battlefield to watch.  The two armies came face to face and fought an epic battle.  With each of these activities the students would strike up a conversation and talk about spiritual things.  Many students had the chance to share the gospel and lead people to accept Christ as their Savior.  I also had the opportunity to share the Gospel with people and see some accept Christ as their Savior.

The last two Chat Rooms that we had did not go in any way how I wanted, but I am sure God had a purpose for it.  One relationship in particular was really challenging for me, but God used it to help me and the other person grow.  God also used it to bring me to a depth in prayer where I have not been in a while, a place that I have missed and want to get back to.  He also used it to remind me of my utter dependence upon him in everything that I do, and that I fear him and not what people think about me.  Most of the time in ministry I can get away with loving gently; but there are times when a fierce love is called for – love that will speak truth boldly in the way of conviction and correction so as to restore one to a right place with God and others.  For me it is always a scary and difficult way to love because of how highly I consider others’ thoughts about me.  But when I fear and depend upon him, I can do all things.

The last two evening sessions were filled with great teaching from James White.  I cannot even begin to describe it – it was the BEST teaching on the scriptures I have EVER heard.  Needless to say, I learned a lot from those sermons.  Along with that, the last night we had a Holy Ghost party, which I also cannot really describe, except that it must be the closest experience to what Heaven will be like that I have ever had.  It was off the hook!  Imagine 600+ people jumping, shouting, singing, rapping, dancing, etc. for an hour or so, all in praise and worship of our great God and Savior Jesus Christ – totally spontaneous worship.  No one wanted to leave or stop.  It was incredible!

Getaway 2010 - Day 2

Last night I was hoping to talk with my girls about struggles in their lives.  The evening message was about being vulnerable in community and was really good.  The first half of our Chat Room we talked about emotions (something else the speaker mentioned).  We had some great discussion and one of the girls really got the idea that it does not matter what or how many bad things a person has done, that they are declared righteous by their faith.

Somehow there was a natural break halfway through, and I felt like I lost them.  They got rowdy and could not get back on track.  We laughed a lot but eventually I sent them to bed.

I do not mind them having fun, but at the same time there is so much growth and depth that I feel like they will miss if we do not get the chance to talk about deeper things.  Pray that we will get there when the time is right, and that I will have the discernment to know when to lead the discussion that way.  I certainly do not want to rush things, but also do not want to miss the window of opportunity.

This morning during our staff meeting, one of the other Orlando leaders shared a story of how God is working in the guys' hearts.  One guy in particular, one of the student leaders, was struggling with something pretty big and it was weighing heavily upon his heart.  The leader could see on his countenance that somethings was going on inside so he asked.  When the boy finally opened up, he just started crying - hardcore crying.  The Orlando leader did not say much more before his buddies started rallying around him, hugging on him and supporting him.  Eventually, other Orlando guys heard about this guy struggling and they ran to the room to support him.  So picture all these young men, all of them crying for their brother, hugging him, supporting him, and encouraging him.

I love to hear stories like that, to hear how God is working in the hearts of guys, raising them up to be men of God.

I also want to share a story about another guy with whom God has blown me away.  I met him through our seminar times (he is actually from Chattanooga).  The topic of our seminar has been teaching students to reach out to groups on their campuses and to disciple others.  The one guy really cares about the lost at his campus.  He prayed for our table in regards to reaching out to others and his heart really shone through.  He had scripture hidden in his heart that came out in his prayer along with his compassion for his fellow classmates.  He asked questions about strategies and such.  It was really refreshing to me to hear these teenagers filled with such compassion like Jesus and wondering how and planning even to reach his campus.  He and another guy at the table want to go to Venezuela this summer on a mission trip.  I think this trip would be great for them - great experience and especially great training and equipping for returning to their schools in the fall with the intent to reach their campus.  The only thing that stands in their way is $3000 that they (collectively) need to raise in order to go on the trip.  So pray for God to provide financial partners for Jack and Trent to be able to go on this mission trip.

Getaway 2010 - Day 1

It has been a busy almost 24 hours since we have arrived here in SC.  There are over 600 teenagers and interns/volunteers/staff here this week to grow in their relationship with God (or to begin that relationship).  Last night, the speaker gave a very clear presentation of the best news of all time and we have already had some students respond by placing their faith in Jesus as their Lord and Savior.  Woohoo, praise God!!!!!!  This week we have the privilege of having the band Tenth Avenue North lead us in worship through music.  They have already been a blessing to myself and to students.  One of my girls was explaining last night that one of the songs really helped her connect with and experience God.  It was so cool to hear!

I have a few more girls in my Chat Room than I thought I would, but I am so glad to have them all.  You can be praying for Lindsey, Susan, Kayla, Alison, Rachel, Maggie, and Kara.  I was so glad that during our first Chat Room they were really honest about where they feel like they are at spiritually coming into this conference.  On a scale of 0 (being "I don't care about God") to 5 ("could be better, could be worse") to 10 ("Godisthebestthingever, Ilovehim,Ilovehim,Ilovehim!"), the lowest was 2.5 and the highest was a 7 or 8, and everyone else was in between.  That may seem like a wide range to handle, but what I really like is that they all came to grow spiritually.  Their passion for change overflowed in their answers to my questions - they are all SO hungry for more of God.  IT JUST EXCITES ME!  Pray for me as I challenge these girls to grow in their faith and lead them to know what steps to take next.  I sometimes find myself surprised that they do not know, to me, what seems so elementary as far as a relationship with God goes; but it brings me back to the reality that they are still young spiritually, which is great!  (We were all babies at one point, right?)  I am excited that I get to reveal more of Jesus' love and redemption with these girls.

Reaching out

Last Friday I was on my way to an appointment when I saw a man at an intersection asking for help.  Sadly, this is not an uncommon sight.

<< Rewind<<  A while ago I became discontent.  Driving by these people every week I wondered what I could do.  As a Christian, am I not supposed to be helping the less fortunate?  Many thoughts of safety and questions of actions went through my mind.  I continued to drive by these people and be reminded of my discontent.  I was frustrated with the call/desire to help but no idea how.  I kept praying.

Finally, I had an idea - gift cards - a practical way to help, while not risking money being spent on drugs or alcohol.  So I decided to make a care package of sorts.  I bought some gift cards to healthy-ish food places and put it in a card with an encouraging note.  I, of course, do not want to meet only someone's physical need but want to make sure I minister to their spiritual need as well.  So in the card I included a small book that explains the Gospel.  I made a few of these care packs and put them in my glove compartment so they would always be handy.  My hope was that this care package communicates that someone cares about them and that they have worth, ministering to their felt-need and their real need.

>>Flash forward>>  I decide to pull over and give one of these care packages to this man.  I parked and crossed the street.  I shook his hand, introduced myself, and asked him about his situation.  His name is Ronnie.  He has some kind of blood disease and lost half of one of his legs.  He is unemployed, thus the reason he was out there.  I gave him the card and explained I had to go because I was on my way to an appointment.  I told him I would pray for him.  He was very grateful.

I wanted to ask you to say a quick prayer for him too.

I also challenge you to think about how you can reach out to others in need.  Will you make care packs like mine?  Will you get creative and think of other ways to reach out to others in need?  If you do come up with other ideas I would like to hear them, so tell me about them.  Of course asking God to provide for others is good.  But we have to beware that we are not praying for God to provide for those in need only through other people.  If we have the ability would not our faith and love move us to take action ourselves and be the answer to our own (and others') prayers?  James 2:15–16 (ESV) says, "If a brother or sister is poorly clothed and lacking in daily food, and one of you says to them, 'Go in peace, be warmed and filled,' without giving them the things needed for the body, what good is that?"  I would be so bold as to say that if we have the ability to reach out to others in need and are praying for God to provide for them, yet are not taking any action personally, then we are lying to ourselves and to God in that we really do not want God to provide for them.  So ask God how you can help others in need...and do it!

I shall come forth as gold

Thunder rolls, the dogs stand up looking a little worried.  Emergency vehicle sirens ring out as the smell of fresh summer rain fills my nose.  There is a lot on my mind as I eat my banana with peanut butter and honey.  These cloudy, thundery, rainy moments seem to foster pausing life for reflection.

I woke up this morning on the "wrong side of the bed".  I think I had been dreaming about a Friday workout with Trinity Fitness.  Friday is the day when we share prayer requests at the gym.  I awoke and my first thought was about a concern of mine.  This concern has been on my heart for a long while, but recently I have thought about sharing it with my workout buddies.  I guess that is how my dream was going.

It was a difficult start to the day.  It makes for one of those days when you have to force yourself to do almost everything because you just don't care.  I searched some scripture for a little pick me up.  I got a little as I read that Jesus will be coming back one day.  I got dressed and rode off to the gym wishing it were Friday so I could share what was on my heart.  I knew that working out would be tough mentally; I usually do not have much mental endurance with this kind of weight on my mind and heart.

I walk in to find lots of equipment, a pretty big group, and a hard looking workout on the board.  Another discouraging thought, "wow, this looks hard."  It must have shown on my face because one of the women said I looked worried.

Mentally and physically I would say that I have strength.  I am strong enough to often lift the prescribed weight and stand up to whatever difficulty/discouragement comes my way.  But mentally and physically, I do not have much endurance.  I can do push ups on my toes, but can barely make it to 20 before dropping to my knees for the remaining reps.  Mentally, I think I give up too soon or think less of myself than of what I am capable.  Physically, I could probably do more, but because I cannot take the strain mentally, I take a break or go with lighter weight.  It does not help when I have the added burden of life concerns on my mind; then the weight is just too much to bear.

I know it is at these points I need Jesus - to rely on his strength and hope in him.  I am not sure that I have quite figured out how to completely let go of trying on my own to letting him be my source of strength.

As I was running the last stretch of the last part of the workout, Job 23:10 came to mind.  "When he has tested me, I shall come forth as gold."  It made me think of the heat of the fire that gold must go through to be purified.  I was hot.  Summer has come quickly here in Melbourne and with the heat and humidity I was extremely sweaty and needed water.  I wanted to quit and just walk.  But I thought about my gold, how I want to come out purified as gold after all the heat and testing.  It gave me the extra umph to keep going and to finish well.

Likewise, I know these tough times in life turn up the heat to purify me even more and I will come forth purified, as gold, when the fire is over.  And that is where my hope is, that there is a higher purpose for this pain and it starts and ends with God, and is all for his glory.  :)  Such a wonderful thing to cling to my Savior!

Most influential person?

Who (besides Jesus) has been the most influential person in your life? Why? Or how did s/he influence you?

It is hard for me to pick just one person.  People make such great impacts in our lives and three come to mind quickly (mostly for their negative influence) and one comes to mind in the shadows, for that seems to be where she has always been, that quiet consistency of love and provision.  My mom has always been present and prominent in most things in my life, good and bad.  When I think about the other people that come into mind, it amazes me how their role in my life could play such a large part in influencing me.  One person's absence had a great influence in my life, or really, lack thereof, and I can see how I might have been different had that person been more present.  The other person's one action had an immediate and considerable effect in my life and had underlying effects that I have slowly learned of over the many years since that event.

But I will settle on my mom as the most influential person in my life (besides Jesus, of course).  Her influence has been most consistent, most present and most direct.  The most important influence she has had on me was introducing me to Jesus at a very young age and putting me in the environments for me to build a foundational knowledge of God and the Bible.  I will present the rest of her influences chronologically. 
Elementary School
She encouraged me and gave me the freedom to be who I wanted to be (and to look like and to dress like how I wanted).  She never talked negatively about my tomboy-ish nature, so for the most part, I felt secure in who I was.  She encouraged and enabled most of my passions, so I was able to begin following my dreams.  She taught me how to make the best pancakes.  She did the best job anybody probably could have done at getting me through the big tragedy of my elementary school years.  The way she handled that situation instilled in me a healthy concern for emotional health, which has helped me to handle well the difficulties that follow.
Middle School
She started to become unavailable emotionally and I started to notice that I was missing something, though it was an unconscious awareness.  It led me to seek out a relationship that had a great impact on how I viewed vulnerability and emotions (a person which I mentioned earlier).  Because of her instability I experienced things and did things that matured me beyond my years.
High School
She taught me how to drive a stick-shift.  I continued to mature more than necessary for a teenager and I quickly learned how to be an adult, somewhat.  Her instability increased and I took on more responsibility than I should have.  It led to a poor understanding of boundaries and responsibilities in relationships, with which I still struggle today.  She afforded me the opportunity to love deeply, but also to hurt greatly.  The pain I experienced, partly from my relationship with her, caused me to harden my heart, which I am also still working on today.

I am who I am today greatly because of lessons she taught me directly and because of lessons I inadvertently learned because of her own problems and how they affected me.  This is just a general snapshot of her influence in my life.  I still learn many things from her and because of her, and I imagine she will always be the most influential person in my life.