Miscellaneous and application update

Well, that is my first flat tire. It took a flat tire for God to get me to stop and rest a little. Usually it's not that bad, but sometimes he does need to do something drastic like that.

Previously I mentioned that I have a summer job. Well, what I think I have failed to make clear to most people is that I will be moving for the summer in order to work at that job. So tomorrow I pack, move an hour and a half away, and unpack. I hope I can get it all done in one day; and that I don't forget anything too important and have to make another trip.

I went to Islands of Adventure today with the students from my internship. It was lots of fun!


Ok, so now for the more lengthy and more important stuff - the application update. Yesterday I met with a woman on staff to discuss further some things I had written in my application. When I was filling out my application I was very honest (as I thought I should be even though it was unnerving). Some of the things that I mentioned came as red flags to the staff that was processing my application; which I completely understand. So this woman heard of this and wanted to talk face-to-face and get a better feeling of how I am doing with this stuff. It was a good conversation. But I am left more unsure than I was before. I am less confident that this is God's plan, but I don't have any other desires that come close to this one, and I don't know what else I would do if I don't get this job, so.....I still think I'll get it, I'm just not so sure. I completely understand their concerns, and identify/agree with one in particular - one very important one that I had not thought of before. I left with the feeling that I have a 50-50 chance of acceptance. (One thing I really appreciated was the woman's honesty with me, and thus, the reasons I know these things and more.) I don't know what is best and I'm not going to make that decision; I'm going to let someone else make that decision and pray that if this is not God's best for me that he would close the door on this opportunity. Sorry so vague, I just don't have much time to explain more, plus I don't know how much I would want to share, so yeah.... I hope to hear back from them by the end of this week or the middle of next week at the latest. Please pray that God would give these people his supernatural wisdom to know what decision to make. Thanks.

: )

This is my backyard...and yes, that is a deer just wandering through
it eating some dinner. Amazing.

Endings and beginnings

Last Friday marked the last day of my internship and May 9th will mark the end of my college career (at least for now). During my internship I actually ended up with the same teacher with whom I was during my first internship. As any internship is, it was a challenging and growing experience. But my favorite part was getting to know the students better. One thing I realized recently is that I would not make a good public school teacher, at least not now. I am too inclined to be a friend and spiritual mentor. Though I never discussed this with my supervising teacher, her final evaluation reflected this conclusion. Along with that realization comes the one that I may never teach. One of my dreams is to return to school and earn a masters degree and a certificate, which would probably lead to a different career. So the fact that I broke all the rules with this internship and that I might never use the professional experience can only lead to one conclusion - God did it. I don't doubt that he wanted me there for a reason. But what is that reason? My guess is what I liked the most - getting to know the students - and what I now hope to do. The end of my internship brought some sadness, but mostly excitement that I can begin a different kind of relationship with the youth that I met and befriended. I can finally be a friend and mentor, crossing boundaries a public school teacher cannot or should not cross. So though my internship is over, a new beginning is taking place - new relations.

Along with the end of my college career comes the dawn of a new career. I have applied to go on staff with Student Venture - the high school and middle school ministry of Campus Crusade for Christ. It seems to match my current desires perfectly and I am really excited that I can actually get paid to do what I love. I will keep you posted as to how the application process is going. As of right now, I am waiting for a "We are processing your application" phone call. Even though this is something about which I am really excited, those thoughts of doubt have been creeping in. I cannot really say that this is what I want to do for the rest of my life, because God has scared me with other dreams (the big ones, I have previously mentioned). Realizing that I will probably leave this career makes me doubt whether I should be in it at all, but at the present moment I cannot imagine myself doing anything else. I imagine myself in this career for a number of years, even to the point of, with it, fulfilling a dream God inspired. So there is much work to be done in Student Venture, but I foresee an end to that work and thus a beginning to something else. But that is many years down the road.

So for the time in between, there are mundane and exciting things. These few weeks until I begin my summer job I am just bummin' around trying to get my room and life back to organized before the time goes away again. I will also be attending many exciting events to include my own graduation! as well as a field trip, last day of school, wedding shower, bachlorette party, and two weddings - in the same day. So exciting stuff for the weeks to come. Along with that, hopefully I can casually hang out with friends, Jesus, and get some rest. Then starts my summer job. : ) I have the privilege of being part of a full-time youth ministry team for my home church - we call it Summer Staff. I am so excited for this endeavor and the possibilities of what God can do. He has already been giving me vision and ideas for the summer, which just excites me to the upmost.

*sigh* Much behind me, much ahead. Enjoy the pictures!

It's funny and scary how much I really look like a PE teacher in these photos.


Not the best picture, but one of my best classes. : )



Probably my smallest class, but some of my favorite people.



Bigger class = more challenging. But so rewarding when you actually make a difference.



Eating lunch with the students on my last day. It is definitely an experience.
It was so precious - one of my students as she was leaving the locker room that day asked me if I would eat lunch with them...how could I resist!



I volunteered as the assistant coach for the girls' basketball team. This is our cake for our banquet.



The team manager and me. We spent many practices talking and goofing off - it was a lot of fun! She is such a cutie and is just an amazing person.



All my lady huskies!

Internship tomorrow!

Well, tomorrow starts my senior internship. I am so excited to be at the same school at which I was last semester. It is a wonderful school and I love the students I got to know last semester. I also love that it is close enough that I can ride my bike there. I don't know yet if I will be with the same teacher, though that would be awesome because I really like her students. It is crazy to believe I will be graduating in May. *sigh* What a journey this has been...and yet there is so much more to come.

From then until now

The past five months I have been in a valley, moving in and out of the shadows. The brief moments of sunshine have been providing the joy for me to continue in perseverance. I hope that this semester I will finally walk out of this valley of struggling with my past.

Christmas Conference with Crusade was a sweet time of vacation, fellowship, and renewal. I had my interview for joining staff with Campus Crusade for Christ and today submitted the first part of the application. I now have 22 pages of forms to fill out about myself, so I shall soon be writing a book. I cringe at some parts of it because I must bring up the struggles that I have with certain sins. I know I'm not perfect, but I hate admitting it. I know they are not expecting me to be perfect, but I guess I expect better of me than what I am, and so I am slightly ashamed. Oh, if only I saw myself the way Jesus does.

School starts Thursday and my internship starts Monday. I'm ready for my days to get back to some regularity, though I hope that I do not fall prey to habit and compliance in my relationship with Jesus. I am still being prayerful about my money situation. Giving control to Jesus is so difficult, as I want to secure my own financial stability instead of relying on him. I have resolved to putting in some applications and leaving the rest up to him, and if necessary use money that I have saved to make it through until more money comes.


My group for the day of outreach during Christmas Conference. It was one of the best days of the conference, so influential. It was also a lot of fun getting to play with a few boys in the neighborhood; we really didn't want to leave.


A fun day of riding bikes with friends. This is when we stopped at a playground to rest and have our picnic lunches. Below are a couple of pictures of me showing off...they were so amazed, I found it amusing.



Bunny hop, yeah!

Priorities for the new year

Yeah, I haven't written in a while, not that it really matters because I don't think many people read this. One confession I feel like I should make, is that I probably will not catch you up on the things I failed to write about at the time. Sorry.

Today is my first day back from Unveiled (a.k.a. Christmas conference with Crusade). I spent a while talking with Jesus about the conference and about my priorities for the upcoming year. My number one priority is PRAYER. I can't think of anything that I want to develop more than my prayer life. And I can't help but see how every other priority will flow from this discipline. So if you are reading this blog, keep me accountable to this priority, because chances are you are on an index card and I care about you and desire to be a part of your life, even if it is only through prayer.

The past five months have been rough, for various reasons. My hope is that whether this semester is the same or better, I will deal with it differently, by being close with Jesus and responding in obedience.

Running...seeking

I know it's been a while since I've written...I'll catch you up eventually, just not now.

I feel like...I'm being fought over. At this very moment, as I browse some websites, considering my future, Satan is pulling at my soul. Oh, but God is so much stronger. It seems so clear but not at all. I've been distant for a while, but God has been so faithful in drawing me back to his heart. Oh how wonderful he is! So I must pray. I must seek his face, his wisdom...his plan. What will my future hold? I have pieces of a vision. It's like this jig-saw puzzle. I don't have the box and I don't have a clue what the completed puzzle looks like - only God knows that. But I feel like I have some small pieces that relate to the near future. They are pretty clear and I am excited about them. Then I have some other pieces from which I can see a much bigger picture, but it is still fuzzy, there are few details to discern. I feel like I know where I'm headed, but the time has finally come, where that is not enough. Seeking God is now the only peace I will be able to find concerning some decisions that are soon to come.

I want to cry because I feel so ill prepared. If only I had not wondered from this path I would probably already know these things that I will soon seek. It makes me sad to think of all the things on which I may have missed out. So many blessings over which I chose worldly satisfactions. Oh how I wish I could go back...but I don't even know when I left the path. All I know is now I'm approaching it again. Looking back I see my chosen path and hidden is the path I could have, should have taken. If only I had stuck to the plan I would probably know the answers by now.

But...I know I cannot think like this. Coulda-shoulda-woulda's and if-only's only get you in trouble. God has grace on me and I need to give myself grace like he does. One thing of which I was reminded on retreat this weekend is that taking revenge on someone strips them of experiencing God's grace. I've been taking revenge on myself by not giving myself grace. And I've been cutting off myself from God's grace by doing so. Ouch.... What is a girl to do? I am so thankful that my life is in his hands and there's not much I can do that will mess it up. And though I stray, whether it be miles or a few inches, HE is faithful to leave the path, come find me, take my hand and walk me back to the path. The thought of the enormity of his love frequently overwhelms me; I am so grateful.

I have been in this place before
feeling so near to the end of my rope
Numb inside
God where are you now?

It's raining all around me
and I'm lost in the storm
This boat is sinking quickly
and I'm far from the shore

So hold me and catch me
don't let me sink in my sin
Love me, restore me
bring new life within

Lord you know I have loved you from the start
so long ago I gave you my heart

Now it's raining all around me
and I'm lost in the storm
This boat is sinking quickly
and I'm far from the shore

So hold me and catch me
don't let me sink in my sin
Love me, restore me
bring new life within

God I know there is promise of your peace
found in the words you've spoken to me

Now it's raining all around me
and I'm lost in the storm
This boat is sinking quickly
and I'm far from the shore

So hold me and catch me
don't let me sink in my sin
Love me, restore me
bring new life within
(repeat)

["Hold Me" by 11:28]

So I am running back to the place I never should have left. Oh how I have been longing. I'm finding that answers aren't really what I want...he is what I want. Answers will come, but for him I cannot wait.