Wednesday, May 14, 2008


Here is a conversation I had with God today. I thought I would share it because 1) I love to show how God is working – I just get so excited when he works in me, I can’t help but share, and 2) I thought maybe you needed to hear it too, and know that you are not alone in this struggle.

The blue is me, the purple is God, and the black is a song that God put it on my heart to which to listen – obviously to help my thoughts.


Lord, I am burdened.

I do not see your will and have begun to take on the decision myself. What shall I do?

I’ve come to your Word in hopes of finding some guidance.

Terror will be far removed; it will not come near you. If anyone does attack you, it will not be my doing; whoever attacks you will surrender to you. (Isaiah 54:14b-15, italics added)

I resisted my attacker, the devil, and I feel that he is gone.

For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways, declares the Lord. As the heavens are higher than the earth so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts. (Isaiah 55:8-9)

I do not think like you God. I know this full well. Yet I began to rely on my thinking and human rationalization to make this decision. But that is not how you think. I became discouraged and felt that I cannot do it. But that’s it…because, I can’t. But with your strength, I can. I don’t see your plan, I don’t see the possibility of it, but I trust and have faith that you can do it.

My mom kept telling me that I am on the edge of my breakthrough. God, I don’t want to be stuck here any longer, I want to break through. It’s either my way or your way. Mine is comfortable and easier, I feel I could do it. Yours is overwhelming and will be hard – a lot of work and not much rest…

If you keep your feet from breaking the Sabbath and from doing as you please on my holy day, if you call the Sabbath a delight and the Lord’s holy day honorable, and if you honor it by not going your own way and not doing as you please or speaking idle words, then you will find your joy in the Lord, and I will cause you to ride on the heights of the land and to feast on the inheritance of your father Jacob. (Isaiah 58:13-14)

…but I know that rest in you is all I need. If I keep holy your Sabbath I can soar through the week and be satisfied in all my needs, feasting even. Though I must be careful of what I do, for I am learning what a true Sabbath is and that it’s not me chilling and doing as I please. I must not go my own way or dismiss things I said I would do – which I have done in the past. Your Word says that your rest will be enough to get me through. I am trying to trust that and let go of my anxious hesitation and human ideas.

Your plan is a bigger step of faith. One to which you may have called me, and if so, this would be my crisis of belief. That being the case, I must step out of the boat and believe that I will not sink, that you will not let me sink – fail. A friend said that I can’t make a wrong decision if it is made in faith. She said you will give me grace either way I choose.

Oh God, I want to break through! I want to move forward, move deeper, trust you more. But I am so scared of sinking.

I want to trust you.

Why can’t I trust you, why is it so hard?

I want to say I will do it…but then I hesitate to dive in.

Here I am in this familiar place again
Standing on the shore of my complacency
Ankle deep in love I once was swimming in
Shallowness has taken over me

But the current pulls the sand
And moves my stubborn feet
From the dryness of the land
To where the wave pound over me

Take me deep enough where I can see
The bottom of Your heart
Deep enough that I can know Your will
Deep enough to know that we
Will never be apart
And when I get there
Take me deeper still

Take me through the wonders of Your faithfulness
Help me see the depth of my own need
Lead me to the water where Your mercy is
For You and You alone can set me free

I am covered by Your grace surrounded
Far away from shore
As/and You’re taking me to places
I have never been before


I want to drown in the water
I want to drown in Your truth
Take me all the way under
Where I have to trust in You


[“Deeper Still” Scott Krippayne]

My complacency – I’ve been leaning a lot on my own strength rather than yours. Shallowness has definitely taken over me – we used to be so close. Rip tides are scary and pounding waves aren’t pleasant to endure, but if that’s what it takes to bring me back into your ocean, that is where I want to be. I may not know which way is up, but will it matter if I’m surrounded by your love? Rip me away from this life I’ve been living, I’m finding it hard to let go of the dry land that has become so comfortable. Only you can set me free. I’ve never been here before, but what’s so great about where I’m at now – I want more of you. I want to drown in the water, drown in your truth. But I’ve got to trust in you.

I am not saying this because I am in need, for I have learned to be content whatever the circumstances. I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want. I can do everything through him who gives me strength. (Philippians 4:11-13)

I can do it.

B R E A K T H R O U G H !


So for you friends that are reading this, please keep me encouraged when I get down and want to quit. Keep me accountable in keeping my Sabbath, as will be so necessary. I guess this is that to which I was looking forward – what God was going to do this semester. Exciting as it is, I didn’t think it would be this sort of challenge, I thought it would be pleasant…but then I wouldn’t grow as much would I. I would much rather have this.

Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day. For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen. For what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal. (2 Corinthians 4:16-18)

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