Same goal, different strategy

So it has been a few weeks since sharing my new goal. I have had plenty of time to search and rethink. The week following the establishing of my new goal I searched for books and resources that I already owned that I could read. I was disappointed at the lack of books devoted to each subject, though I found some decent articles. But then I thought about the classes that I have to take for the Institute of Biblical Studies (IBS). I know it requires significant reading, but the classes are only two weeks each. So I did some research and found that some staff read ahead of time and find the class experience to be much more pleasurable. It sounded great to me so I looked up the book information for each of my next four classes (that I may take this summer). So my new strategy is to read through those books primarily. They will cover the topics of Biblical interpretation, Old Testament Survey, Biblical communication, and doctrine of God, Bible and Holy Spirit. I have also adjusted my strategy to at least four out of the seven days of the week, but still at two hours each time, with some blogging. In addition to the topics of the classes, I may delve into some of the topics I mentioned before.

New faith challenge

So I have been working on a lesson I want to (and will) teach to the middle school students in my church's youth group. My faith, trust and dependence upon the Spirit are certainly being challenged to grow. The insufficiency that I find in my thoughts is that I do not know this passage of scripture well enough to teach it. "What if I am wrong? What if I am taking it out of context?" Because of these questions I feel I need to be an expert on this passage...and book....and entire Bible in order to feel confident that I am not taking in out of context and that I am keeping in line with the entirety of scripture. .....I have never felt so inadequate while preparing for a lesson. :\

But that may be an indicator that I am relying on myself. I know that I have the Holy Spirit within me, which is the mind of Christ. He knows the Word and all the truths of God and has the ability to reveal them to me, inspire me and correct me if need be. So I must trust the Spirit within me to guide me (and to guide my youth) into all truth and to teach all truth. I am doubting my own insufficiencies, which I think is healthy, because I am imperfect. But I am stuck there instead of turning my gaze to him and trusting that the Spirit within me makes up for my insufficiencies and inspires my lesson with all truth.

::sigh:: I love these gentle, quiet lessons from God. :)

New Goal

I was recently made aware of the fact that God took many, many years to prepare Jesus and Paul for ministry. When I think about my preparation for ministry it seems much shorter. But I do not want that to be an issue and I know that God can do incredible things in this time of preparation (while I develop my team of ministry partners). As part of preparation for ministry I took (and recently finished) a New Testament Survey class. I was sad that it had to end because I enjoyed learning more - I felt more prepared to talk with others about the Bible and what it says. I was praying about preparation for ministry and was inspired to continue this mental/intellectual preparation for ministry by studying on my own. I want to hone in on select topics that I think will be most beneficial for my future ministry (and am praying that God confirms these or leads me in directions he knows will be more beneficial). So here is my goal and strategy (and what you have to look forward to). I hope that by writing it out I will be more accountable to it.

Goal: to prepare for ministry by increasing my knowledge about relevant topics

Strategy: Spend two hours a day reading, studying, and reflecting on a particular topic. Topics include: science/creation science, world religions, apologetics, theology, emotional life/counseling, Bible study. The last half hour I will blog briefly about what I learned, my thoughts and opintions, and my questions. The blogging will really help me to process, especially if I do not have live discussions with people about these topics.

Suffering

Hebrews 5:8-9 "Although he was a son, he learned obedience through what he suffered. And being made perfect..."

This is the second time now, in Hebrews, I've come across this idea of sanctification through suffering. It first came in Hebrews 2:10 (11-18), "For it was fitting that he [God] ... should make the founder of their salvation perfect through suffering." Even Jesus had to be made perfect through suffering. How much more do we have to suffer to be made perfect?! If we are to be like Jesus, then we must suffer. I guess this is what Paul understood and meant when he said, "that I may know him and the power of his resurrection, and may share his sufferings, becoming like him in his death, that by any means possible I may attain the resurrection from the dead" (Philippians 3:10-11). "That by any means possible" - wow, Paul was willing to do ANYTHING to attain resurrection from the dead!

I wish I had the same attitude. That would definitely make suffering more endurable, or I would look at it completely different - as gain, like Paul did, and not as loss, like I do.

And he explains in other verses, such as Philippians 1:29, "For it has been granted to you that for the sake of Christ you should not only believe in him but also suffer for his sake" and again in Philippians 3:8, "Indeed, I count everything as loss because of the surpassing worth of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord. For his sake I have suffered the loss of all things and count them as rubbish in order that I may gain Christ." In Philippians 1:29, Paul makes it sound like suffering for Christ is a gift counted along with faith. Incredible, suffering a gift! And in Philippians 3:7-11, Paul goes so far as to say that his gain - what he had not suffered - he thought of as loss. He willingly suffered the loss of things so that he could have Christ, only Christ. He gave up everything in which he could take pride! This really strikes a cord in me. I do not want to give up good things just to suffer. I want to hold tightly to the good I have - I do as if it were my life. But Oh to have Paul's and Jesus' humility and surrender, to let go of all I hold dear to free my hands to take hold of Christ, to let go of whatever good I perceive to take hold of the only thing I know to be truly good at all times - Jesus. He is always good, and though I may suffer the loss of many things, at least I can be sure that I would not suffer the loss of the most precious thing - Jesus.

There is so much more about suffering about which I could write. Like 1 Peter, that I recently read - the entire letter is about suffering and hope in the midst of suffering, or Jesus' own words on suffering, such as in Matthew 10:16-33. I have only scratched the surface.

A story of a girl continued

For the beginning of this story, see Friday, December 4, 2009.

So distracted by her thoughts she has forgotten about the bright figure. Yes, no, yes, no - she is toiling within. And just as she begins to lose hope, giving in to her value for comfort, she is gently startled out of her warring thoughts. A soothing voice breaks the silence, so beautiful, like she's never heard, echoed by a glorious host...

When you pass through the waters, I will be with you [He slowly moves towards her.]
And the waves, will not overcome you
[His eyes filled with great compassion.] Do not fear, for I have redeemed you
I have called you by name, [He gently cups her face...] you are Mine

For I am the Lord your God (I am the Lord your God)
I am the Lord your God
(I am) the Holy One of Israel, your Savior
For I am the Lord your God (I am the Lord your God)
I am the Lord your God
(I am) the Holy One of Israel, your Savior

I am the Lord (do not fear)
I am the Lord (do not fear)
I am the Lord (do not fear)
I am the Lord (do not fear)

When you pass through the fire, you'll not be burned
And the flames will not consume you
Do not fear, for I have redeemed you
I have called you by name, you are Mine

For I am the Lord your God (I am the Lord your God)
I am the Lord your God
(I am) the Holy One of Israel, your Savior
For I am the Lord your God (I am the Lord your God)
I am the Lord your God
(I am) the Holy One of Israel, your Savior

I am the Lord (do not fear)
I am the Lord (do not fear)
I am the Lord (do not fear)
I am the Lord (do not fear)

...

" But now thus says the Lord, he who created you, O Jacob, he who formed you, O Israel: “Fear not, for I have redeemed you; I have called you by name, you are mine. When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and through the rivers, they shall not overwhelm you; when you walk through fire you shall not be burned, and the flame shall not consume you. For I am the Lord your God, the Holy One of Israel, your Savior. I give Egypt as your ransom, Cush and Seba in exchange for you. Because you are precious in my eyes, and honored, and I love you, I give men in return for you, peoples in exchange for your life." (Isaiah 43:1-4, ESV)

A story of a girl

The disfigured, disgusting fingers wrap tightly around her arm. She's pulled along unwillingly and alone, then thrown into a cave! It's dark and she can hear the sound of water dripping slowly from the roof of the cave, splattering on the cave floor. The hands have let go only to grasp shackles bound by chains. They're thrown and come flying in the air, whirring as they move. ::Clink, clink:: They find their way to the little girl's wrists, fitting snug, first the right, then the left. Yanking her down, the chains fasten themselves to the cave floor, one is called Guilt, the other, Obligation. Bondage begins. A sinister laugh comes from the dark figure with the gangly hands, covered with filth and grime. A smile of pleasure is highlighted by the last light of day as the creature moves away...

The days creep by like years, and a year seems like a day. Time has been lost in the monotonous driving by the chains. She grows and grows, taking the form of a young woman, but the shackles still bind her wrists. They that once fit snugly have become small, cutting into the skin growing up around them. Many times she struggled against them, trying to wriggle loose. But all that came was pain and blood as the cold, hard metal dug into her writhing wrists. She learned to stop fighting the chains that bound her. Giving in to the driving force, she worked. Hope was lost, conformity set in. Her work has become so streamlined and almost effortless, but still, driven by her chains. Yet, it has become comfortable to her, after years of this kind of life. She has forgotten what it was like to work because she loved. Love.....maybe is was a faint memory of some reality gone forever. She lets the thought slip away as not to disturb her "peace".

A lighted figure appears, almost blinding her. So glorious and radiant, her heart leaps at the sight of him. Somehow she knows he is good and that he can remove her shackles and free her from bondage.

But she's afraid. Having grown up with these shackles, she feels they are a part of her. Her skin so accustomed to having them, it would tear and rip and bleed at their removal. She doesn't want to feel that pain; she doesn't want to face that reality.

But freedom awaits her soon after the pain of removal, why would she say no?
She knows that healing would come and her wrists would be restored...

...but it will hurt too much, she doesn't think she can bear it.

Love.....she could work because of love again! Her heart leaps at the thought. She'll do it, she'll say yes.

But oh, it will hurt, and she hasn't been out of the cave since she was a girl. What if...? What if...? What if...? She struggles within herself, wanting to be free, but scared of the unknown that would come. She feels so alone...

He awaits her decision...

My current (and long-standing) battle

"There is a price to pay, but there will be a greater price if we continue to drift."
(Wiersbe, Warren W.: Prayer : Basic Training. Wheaton, IL : Tyndale, 1988)

God, I confess my non-desire to pay that initial price. There are so many mornings like this one that I don't even think to stop and sit with you. I just want to start working and start checking off tasks. It is a struggle sometimes to even hesitate my mind in order to think of prayer. There is a great need for prayer and one of my deepest desires is to meet that need. Everyday I wish I could spend hours praying so that everyday I could pray for every one of my friends and loved ones. But there is a cost for prayer and it is sacrifice and discipline. And it is this sacrifice of time, God, that I so often don't want to make, so much so that my desire does not even evoke a thought about it. There are days when I don't think of it, and even fewer that I act on it, but the good news is, days of action are increasing in number. But I am not satisfied God, either that or I am not allowing myself grace. But if there is one thing Lord that deserves the smallest extension of grace in times of failure, it is the occurence of prayer. This is such a strong desire in me that it builds up when I don't pray until my heart is so heavy I am pulled to my knees to pray. It is the greatest thing in the world to STOP.....and pray - earnestly, fervently, relentlessly, warring on behalf of loved ones and strangers and by faith extending the reaches of the Kingdom - for we know that you work when we pray and our prayers will not be fruitless.

But Lord, I am not statisfied with my lack of action to prayer. I want to and pray that I would do this of my own choice and out of my deep desire and passion; I pray that my passion and desire would drive me to my knees so that never again will the weight of unprayed prayers be the thing that drives me there. EVERYDAY God, may I first sit at the foot of your throne and beg and plead for the lives and souls of my loved ones and those that do not know you. EVERYDAY may I traverse the earth with you in prayer, fighting with the angels on behalf of my loved ones that are so weak and beaten down they cannot fight off the evil and sin that is holding them hostage. And may I just sit with you, silent, in the comfort and protection of your mighty Daddy arms, more full of love than I will ever know or be able to comprehend. And may it be there Lord, that I find the strength to make it through the day. May it be there Lord that I am filled so that I might not run to what the world has to offer me to try to satisfy my soul. And there Lord may I always be reminded of my first love and husband, and of my single devotion to him, Jesus. May my sights be always agaze on him that I may live every moment as one who is unconditionally and passionately loved, NEVER forgetting that I am loved. Amen.

Hmmm. That was a prayer I wrote three months ago. I wish I could say that after that I was disciplined in taking set aside time to war on my knees for those that I love - I confess that I have not. But every word of that prayer still rings true in my heart and I desire it as much now as I did then. The thing I cannot understand is how I can have so much passion and desire for something, yet not have it show in my everyday life. Where is the disconnect? Where is the passion restrained so that everyday I do not get on my knees to pray? It may be likely that it is the same thing that seems to always get in the way of what I deeply desire - namely, my mindset that I must perform and work for my worth and acceptance. At the end of the day, if I didn't get much done, I feel horrible, like I am horrible. So as the end of the day draws near and I reflect on all that I wanted/needed to do yet is not finished, I push aside what is much more important to me so that I can try to accomplish more so that I feel of worth. *sigh* Does anyone else feel this way?

" O foolish Galatians! Who has bewitched you? It was before your eyes that Jesus Christ was publicly portrayed as crucified. Let me ask you only this: Did you receive the Spirit by works of the law or by hearing with faith? Are you so foolish? Having begun by the Spirit, are you now being perfected by the flesh? Did you suffer so many things in vain—if indeed it was in vain? Does he who supplies the Spirit to you and works miracles among you do so by works of the law, or by hearing with faith— just as Abraham “believed God, and it was counted to him as righteousness”?" (Galatians 3:1-6, ESV)

" For the promise to Abraham and his offspring that he would be heir of the world did not come through the law but through the righteousness of faith. For if it is the adherents of the law who are to be the heirs, faith is null and the promise is void. For the law brings wrath, but where there is no law there is no transgression. That is why it depends on faith, in order that the promise may rest on grace and be guaranteed to all his offspring—not only to the adherent of the law but also to the one who shares the faith of Abraham, who is the father of us all," (Romans 4:13-16, ESV)

" Therefore, since we have been justified by faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ." (Romans 5:1, ESV)

It often think about these truths in response to this mindset of mine. The last verse, Romans 5:1, is maybe what I need to remember most - I am justified because of my faith, not my works, and have peace with God. I'm not sure where in the 12 or so inches from my brain to my heart exists the disconnect. My head knows these truths very well, but as is obvious from my constant working, I have yet to let these truths sink into my heart and believe them wholeheartedly.

Why do I constantly feel that I have to work for God?
I wish I could just work with Him.
Do I feel that I do not "have peace with God?"
I can't say that I particularly feel at war with Him.
Have I not accepted and/or do I not believe the Gospel?
It seems that maybe I have accepted it intellectually, but not yet believed it with my heart to the point of shedding this performance mindset.

How clear to me is my desperate need for the Gospel every day. Oh that I would accept Jesus' abundant grace and stop working, that I could eliminate this fear by working with God, dependent on His work for outcomes, not working for God, depending on my actions for outcome - that would make developing my team of ministry partners so much more pleasant and so much less stressful.

Yet I praise God anyway, because I know he is working in me. :)