A journey of footprints

I had lost all hope...

2011-05-20T11:40:00.002-04:00

Hope.... When I listened to my pastor's sermon about it last Sunday I thought, "Yeah, I know what hope is...I got this!" And even last night as we talked about it in Connect Group, I thought I had a pretty good handle on it. But this morning, God broke me down. There is (and has been) a situation in my life that has been really hard. Sometime in high school I just started ignoring it so I could go on living, but I know it's still there, and throughout college I began to acknowledge it again - just a little bit. I would pray about it every now and then, but it's just so hard that I can only handle acknowledging it for so long before it starts to disrupt my ability to carry out my daily responsibilities. Then I ignore it again, so I can be a functioning adult. (Not the healthiest - I know.)

Well, a few weeks ago, I was challenged to pray for other people for 40 days. The person at the center of this situation was the second thing on my list. As the days have gone on it has gotten harder to pray for this person/situation. Today I finally broke down and didn't want to pray anymore. I was mad at God because I can't see him doing anything. I've read about people that prayed everyday, without ceasing, for years and even until they died, without giving up. I want to be like them but today, I just wanted to give up.

I was so angry I wanted to just wail on God and walk away. I got one step away and he grabbed me and pulled me into his bosom. He embraced me despite my fight and held me there until I surrendered...really surrendered, not just my fight but let go of this hurt and anger. Then I felt his comfort...and hope.

Here's how it happened: I had given up on praying for the moment and went to do something else. Still distracted and wrestling internally, a friend calls, who happens to be in my Connect Group so she is familiar with the sermon and conversations around hope. When she asked how my morning was going, I was honest and said that it was hard. I shared everything, including some tears (which is hard and a big step for me). I realized that it is much easier for me to choose despair in this situation, and that's what I had finally done earlier in the morning. She commented on how it's hard to hope when there is no opportunity, and I agreed. That's why I had lost hope for this person, there is nothing else that can help her. Jesus is her ONLY hope. Jesus is MY only hope for her. Somehow, with that refreshed realization, God supernaturally renewed my hope. It seems so backwards to me, that I have hope, especially after acknowledging that there is no visible or logical hope for her. Like, huh? That doesn't make sense! But that's what hoping in Jesus is all about. It doesn't make the situation any easier, but I have hope, and what's better is that I can talk to the One that is my hope for her. I can sit at his feet and beg and plead, and he will never get tired of it. That's some love!

So what day is it after all? I haven't been counting the days, but now I'm really curious how many days it's actually been. After looking it up just now, today is actually day 40. Wow - significant! I am in awe of God and how he works.

From orphan to princess

2011-04-04T15:05:00.000-04:00

I am a princess.

---

The jester of the kingdom used to harass me. Then, years later, he finally stole me away and took me captive. He bound me in painful chains in his dark dungeon.

“Why would anyone rescue me? I was just a lowly servant girl, an orphan sent to the palace to work for the king.”

This was my identity. This was my reality for many years, so when he came, I was scared.

The son of the king – the prince – came. He left his luxurious palace to enter the ubiquitous darkness of the jester’s playground! He fought the jester for me. And just when I thought all hope was gone, that the prince was defeated, he rose in victory! And the chains that once held me captive now bound the jester to that darkest of places.

We ride away from that place and he brings me up into the light that brings healing – the light of the kingdom. He carries me to the king and asks that I would be adopted. (I can scarcely believe it!) The king smiles, and welcomes me with a hug. He calls me “daughter”. :)

I have a family now, and a home. I have a new identity.

I once was enslaved to working for the king, but now I have the honor and pleasure of working with the king – my daddy! Sometimes I get caught up in my old identity and my old way of working – I feel orphaned and that it is my duty to work, especially after everything he has done for me. I forget that he is my dad and end up trying to pay him back because I just see him as my owner. But he is patient and faithful to remind me of his love for me, his daughter, and that whether I am working or not he is pleased just to be together.

If I died right now...

2011-01-23T01:16:00.000-05:00

...how many people would come to my funeral? A question, no doubt, many people have wondered sometime in their life, whether out of depression or because they were at a funeral.

Recently, I was at a memorial service and this question began to run through my mind. The Holy Spirit must have stopped it all of a sudden and made me realize how self-centered the question is.

Shouldn't we rather be wondering, "If I died right now, how many people would I see in heaven, on account of my sharing Jesus with them, being Jesus to them?" This is a much better question.

How would you answer it? Don't you desire more, just because Jesus is that awesome and worth knowing?

Eclipses, Jesus and Us

2010-12-21T04:10:00.001-05:00

As I write this I am laying outside watching the lunar eclipse. It
reminds me of a spiritual truth I realized years ago through nature -
through eclipses.
As followers of Jesus Christ, we can compare ourselves and our
relationship to Jesus and the world with the solar system. The sun is
the Son - Jesus. The earth is the world. The moon is followers of Jesus.
The Son, like the sun, provides light and life. Most often we do not
see it directly, otherwise it's splendor would blind us. But we know
that it exists because of how it affects everything else; we know that
it exists because we see the world by it. The earth is the
representation of all those people and powers that are not submitting
to the lordship of Jesus. We/I would describe them as spiritually in
the dark - they do not experience the light and life of the Son.
Within the representation of the world is also our three-fold enemy -
our flesh, the world system, and Satan. The moon represents people who
trust Jesus as their Savior and follow him as Lord. Per the
relationship and lifestyle, we are always supposed to be reflectors of
his light and life - just like the moon reflects the light of the sun.
In and of itself, the moon is dark and lifeless and has not much to
offer. But properly reflecting the light of the sun, it is visible,
yet because of it's nature must give the praise to the sun for
providing the light. In this way, the world can see the Son's light
in the dark and without being blinded.
Now that we have the basics, here are a couple of warnings. We, as
followers of Jesus must be careful of the solar and lunar eclipses in
our spirituality.
A lunar eclipse happens when the earth gets between the sun and the
moon. The earth casts a shadow on the moon and it becomes dark. The
world can often get between followers of Jesus and Jesus himself. This
happens when we choose worldly things over Jesus or when we give into
temptation. The result is that we stop reflecting the light of the
Son, leaving the world at night in the dark.
A solar eclipse happens when the moon gets between the earth and the
sun, blocking out the sun and becoming dark in the process. When we,
as followers of Jesus, become prideful and want the world to see us,
give us praise and glory instead of Jesus - that is when we have a
spiritual solar eclipse. We try to take the spotlight but in the
process we become dark to the world, no longer properly reflecting the
light of the Son. We also block out his light and leave the world in
darkness and death.
Our purpose as the moon is to reflect the light and life of the Son,
but we must be careful not to allow the world to overshadow us and not
to allow our pride to get in the way of the world seeing the Son.

A Child in God's Family...a prayer

2010-11-21T23:10:00.000-05:00

Heavenly Father, I am a child in your family. I have entered your family by regeneration. I have faith because your Spirit opened my heart to your Word. I have been born again because your son died my first death.

I am adopted into your family - treated as an adult and given privileges in your family. I have food and nourishment - your Word. I am rich! I have access to your wealth, and I can use it, for your glory. I am rich with your grace, mercy, glory, wisdom, and goodness. I have brothers and sisters with whom to share life - to be excited together about your glory and purpose and to encourage each other toward that glory and purpose. Though we may speak different languages or look different or live far away, we have a lot in common - life in Jesus, love for Jesus, and concern for the world to know Jesus. In our relationships we love, submit, encourage, care for, forgive and edify each other. When we were born into your family, we got to throw away our old wardrobe, dirty and tattered. In your grace, you lavished upon us a wardrobe of righteousness. Instead of wearing out, these garments are continually renewed and strengthened so we look more and more like you! And the best part is that this is only the beginning - what a future we have ahead of us!

As part of the family, we each have a unique purpose. You want a big family and we have the great opportunity to welcome others into the family. When we are united with your Spirit and with each other, we help others come to know you as Father too. Then, as big brothers and sisters, we help each other grow and mature. And then we live happily ever after (for realz for once, not like the movies).

Heavenly Father, thank you for bringing me into your family.

[This prayer is a reflection of my reading in: Wiersbe, W. W. (1996). Be what you are: 12 intriguing pictures of the Christian from the New Testament. Wheaton IL: Tyndale House.]

Psalm 62 - first thoughts

2010-11-12T14:49:00.001-05:00

God "randomly" directed me to Psalm 62 on Thursday. I love it so much, and God is already using it to change my heart, so I just wanted to share some of my thoughts as I read through it the first couple times (so as you read my conclusions keep in mind that I have not fully studied this verse, so if my conclusions are off base or out of context, I am admitting to you right now that they might be).

Verses 1-2 and 5-8 are my favorite parts.

[verse 9] At first I did not understand what "balances" meant, but the second or third time I think I got it!
"in the balances they go up" - like, they do not bear much weight

[verse 5]
"For God alone, O my soul, wait in silence,..."
This is probably my favorite verse of the whole psalm. I especially like that it is David talking to his own soul, and that when I read it, I am talking to my own soul (which I think has much power to affect change in me). In addition to that, I feel like being positive and patient is my big struggle with my flesh right now. I must confess and apologize for any negativity that I have conveyed towards this process of developing my team of ministry partners. It may be challenging, but that does not give me the right or freedom to be negative, as I feel I have been doing. God has called all of us to do everything without complaining or arguing. So I like the directness and challenge of this verse to be silent in the waiting. It helps me to not speak negatively towards something that is good, but to remain silent if all I want to do is grumble.
"...for my hope is from him."
My hope is from him, not from my partners, not from my efforts, not from money and not from my circumstances, all of which are things in which I have sometimes hoped instead of God.

[verse 6]
"...if riches increase, set not your heart on them."
I feel that this is a very applicable warning/reminder for me as I begin to think about receiving a bigger paycheck in the (hopefully near) future. I must be careful not to put my hope and trust in money, but always in my Provider, Jesus. My comfort and peace comes not from "enough money" but from my Lord, my Provider.

[verse 12]
"...For you will render to a man according to his work."
(As a side note: I don't understand how this fits in with the context. Hopefully it will be revealed to me soon, so I can have an accurate interpretation and application of this verse.)
I must admit, this verse scares me a little. But only in my sense of guilt that maybe I am not doing enough or that I could/should be doing more. Despite my continued effort in building my team of ministry partners, I frequently feel like I could/should be doing more. I recognize that this may be conviction or may be a lie from the enemy (or maybe a little of both). So I am trying to be careful with my conclusions from this verse, especially considering that I have not dug into it yet. From that mindset, I wonder if maybe I would be closer to my financial goal if I had just done more or worked harder. But I know that I cannot dwell on that for too long, or it will get me into trouble!
But, on a positive note, this verse is a good challenge for me to aim higher - to ask God for and pursue more opportunities, more contacts, and more dials.
Yet in all this focus on "my work", I recognize that even that is from the Lord. For my abilities, skills and desires come from him. I can work because of him and I see results because of him.

For about a week prior to stumbling upon this psalm I had recognized that I needed a perspective change and I had been asking God for just that. Though it is only the beginning of it, I feel like this is the perspective that I need. I really look forward to digging into this psalm more, and I am especially looking forward to God changing my heart through it.

My blogging woes!

2010-11-11T17:22:00.000-05:00

So I really do like to write, and it is my aim to blog regularly (like once a week to start). I even have lots of ideas and topics that come to me and I think, "I should blog about that." But I rarely take the time (because I feel like I don't have the time). But today I had some time that I thought "Oh! I could blog!" Then I got on here and didn't know what to write. Sometimes breaking the ice is just so hard! So I hope that this will be the first of a long string of regular blogs.

With that being said, I really want to share some pictures from my "College weekend" with my friends. The idea behind college weekend was to do crazy things and stay up late, as if we were in college again. So the last day of our college weekend was Punk Day. And instead of explaining it myself, I will direct you to a website where you can get a short intro and then see pictures, which are AWESOME! So check it out! http://ktcrabbphotography.com/blog/2010/11/04/just-for-fun/

And P.S. - Katie is an awesome photographer, so if you have any photo needs you should definitely give her a call! She does family sessions - perfect for the holidays!

Honestly...

2010-08-11T17:53:00.000-04:00

I had a brief conversation with a friend and partner today. Usually, I struggle to put into words an answer to the question, "how are you?" but today had some success. I thought I would share it in case you were wondering.
Friend: How are you?
Me: I am not really enjoying the rollercoaster that is life. The undertone of my summer has been discouragement, so it has been rough some days. I cannot wait for this season of life to be over.
Friend: Still see Student Venture as the path the Lord is keeping you on?
Me: Definitely. It is just a hot fire of a process to get there - God is burning off impurities in my life, which is great, but as I am confronted with my vast wretchedness I struggle to thrive in His grace, and instead get stuck in my habit of guilt and same.

Sometimes I feel so far from experiencing the gospel in my daily life. Please pray for the spiritual warfare that is going on for my heart and affections, for my mind and attitudes. I long to experience God's waterfall of grace, yet I have a dam of guilt that keeps me as dry and weary as a desert. Pray that God demolishes that dam of guilt for me.

I feel like a parent

2010-08-08T22:31:00.002-04:00

I went back to my youth group tonight. It has been a while since I have gone to youth group back home. It felt weird going into it, and the weirdness never really left.

Going into it felt weird, I guess, because I had not been there in a while. One of my girls I knew would be off at college, and that was weird to me too. After I got there, I found out that it is actually the last Sunday for a lot of the people that are headed off to college for the first time. Last year I had one girl graduate high school and go off somewhere. Next year I will have one or two graduate and go off to college. But this year, four graduated and are headed off to college. It is weird. I cannot believe it has been four years since I began pouring into some of these girls. I think I feel a fragment of what parents must feel when their children go off to college.

"Did I do a good job?" was the first question that ran through my mind. But I remembered that it is not about me, so I thought about Jesus. "Did I teach and train them well? Was I faithful with those whom I was given? Are they going to go off to college and their relationships with Jesus survive?" For the first time I was realizing that I had only a limited amount of time to disciple these girls. So many things ran through my mind that I wish I had thought of, or realized, years ago, when I was entrusted with these girls. Lessons that I learned theoretically now became steeped in reality. I feel like I finally realized practically, that my influence in many students lives will be short. Looking ahead to whenever I start ministry with Student Venture, I will be able to go into it with a realization that I only have four, three, two years or less with these students, and then my time is up. Discipleship is urgent!

I am glad I am learning this lesson now, instead of four years into my ministry with Student Venture. I hope and pray that I always keep this in mind as more students are entrusted to my care and discipleship.

As for my girls that are now headed off to college, it is another lesson in faith to trust that God will keep them close. It is difficult to let the birds fly from the nest, but it is time, and it is necessary.

Lift.10 wrap up

2010-08-07T20:08:00.005-04:00

My trip to Ridgecrest, NC went well. I got an alignment and a whole new set of tires for my car, so it ran well. I spent less on gas than I thought I would. :) It was a long drive, but having somebody with me made the time pass more quickly.

Here are some highlights from the week:

Beautiful weather in the mountains; definitely not as hot as Florida.
Afternoon adventures hiking the mountain trails. Rattlesnake Summit was my favorite!
Passionate messages from Student Venture's national director. I always like hearing from him. His messages encourage and challenge me. I am proud to have him as my National Director.
Corporately praising our great God and Savior through song.
Joining together in prayer for ourselves, our teams and our students.
Having time to connect and pray with our city and department teams.
Deepening existing friendships and starting new ones. Student Venture really feels like a family. I feel so loved and cared for, and just enjoy being with the team.
Sharing a burden with a friend during the car trip. We talked extensively about a difficulty I am facing, and more so than that, got to lift it up to God in prayer. It was wonderful!

A Student Venture conference cannot be complete without silly games during the sessions - this is one of those games.

Table friends (Kelly, me, Kar-Lai, and Sheridan) and table fun! :) (the sweat bands were for a game we played later that day)

My favorite time of the conference was the city time. I got together with the six other staff members on the Orlando team. We shared a little about how our summer was going. We also shared about what God was speaking to us through the conference. It was really encouraging to hear that I was not alone in the issue God pointed out to me. In fact, it seemed as though the whole team was struggling with the same issue - some facet of pride. In hearing others share about it, I felt the freedom to be honest with them about my own struggle. It is nice to be known for who I am, shortcomings and all, yet still embraced as a much desired part of this team, this family. We also got to talking about the coming semester and the unknown that stands before us. Our previous directors have moved on to a difference aspect of SV, so some of our team members are the new directors. God also seems to be calling one family, potentially, to an international SV ministry. We are not sure what that looks like yet, but it could mean that our team would become even smaller. A theme that God seemed to be speaking to us separately, yet all together, is prayer. As we look to this coming school year, prayer seems to be our strategy. It is very fitting, since we do have so much unknown in front of us. Since prayer was such a large topic of our discussion, we stopped talking and just prayed. We prayed probably for as long as we talked. It is awesome to be part of a team that is (or will be) committed to prayer. It is awesome to be part of a team that is okay with tears and emotion. It is awesome to be a part of this SV Orlando family. I cannot wait to join them on the field.

Thank you for praying for this trip and conference. Please continue to pray for our team and the unknown in front of us. Please continue to also pray for new financial partners to join my team so that I can report to the field as soon as possible, to reach more teenagers with the love and truth of Jesus.

Today, life sucks

2010-07-30T22:28:00.000-04:00

I don't even know where to start.

I stopped at Big 10 Tires today to have my car checked over in preparation for my road trip to NC on Monday. The diagnosis: I need an alignment and two new tires (because the tires are wearing unevenly because they are out of alignment). That is the bare minimum I need in order to get to NC safely. But in addition to that, I have a transmission pan leak and I need my rear brakes adjusted. AND THAT IS WHAT IS SO MADDENING! I just had my 60,000 mile service done less than two months ago, I should not have problems with those things two months after they were just tended to! I shelled out enough money that there should not be any problems with my car.

Of course, money is a concern - I am just making it with a part time income. And I was already wondering how I was going to pay for my dog's yearly shots and heartworm medicine next month. I guess it is a good thing I have a birthday coming up. There's nothing more fun than spending birthday money on necessities.

What hurts the most: missing out on quality family time because I have to spend tomorrow getting second opinions to make sure little inexperienced girl here is not being taken advantage of by car guys. My little niece's voice over the phone saying, "No Aunt Katrina, you have to come" just twists the knife.

To only make it worse, this is what is running through my mind: "If only I had taken it in a day or two earlier like I had planned...I would probably be able to go tomorrow." "If only I had gotten my tires balanced and rotated regularly, my tires would have lasted more than half their lifespan."

So if car woes, lack of money and missing family time wasn't enough, I add a dash of guilt because I think that I could have avoided all of this. And I probably could, if I took care of my car like I should have, getting my tires rotated and balanced regularly. I hate that I had to learn this lesson the hard way, but I guess now I know.

Conclusion: yeah, today, life sucked. I'm glad tomorrow's another day, and that in a month, my car stuff will be resolved.

A funny thing

2010-07-25T17:54:00.000-04:00

I have to preface this story with a little background. It is not that
often that I "dress up" (even remotely), nor wear perfume or smelly
lotion. In the past, when I have dressed up, I always seem to put on
some kind of scent. I guess it is a habit now to wear something smelly
when I dress up.

So I am getting ready this morning and decide to "dress up" a little
since I would be going to a bridal shower after church service. Per my
habit (which seems weird to me because it is totally unintentional), I
decided to put on my Victoria's Secret lotion (probably my favorite
scent, not that I am familiar with many for it to be a legitimate
favorite).

Flash forward to the shower: I was there for a few hours an every now
and then I would smell something nice and think, "Oh, that smells
good, I wonder what it is" then my thoughts would return to the
shower. It could have been the candles burning or any other of the 30
women in the room, but I was not that concerned about figuring out
what or who it was. Finally, I am driving home, by myself, and realize
"Oh, it's me that smells good." : P How silly...

Weekend Revelations

2010-07-13T08:53:00.001-04:00

So it is finally coming together in my mind and I think reaching my heart as well.

Chapter 7 in Traveling Light by Max Lucado, I read a perspective that has become ingrained in my thinking and has been working on my heart - in a good way.

We ask God, "Where is the path? Where are you taking me?" And he, like the guide, doesn't tell us. Oh, he may give us a hint or two, but that's all. If he did, would we understand? Would we comprehend our location? No, like the traveler, we are unacquainted with this jungle. So rather than give us an answer, Jesus gives us a far greater gift. He gives us himself.

...everything changes when your rescuer appears. Your loneliness diminishes, because you have fellowship. Your despair decreases, because you have vision. Your confusion begins to lift, because you have direction. Please note: you have not left the jungle. It hasn't changed, but you have...because you have hope...because you have met someone that can lead you out. ...Jesus doesn't give us hope by changing the jungle; he restores our hope [by changing us].

And that is what God has been doing in me, restoring my hope by changing me. (I did not even realize how hopeless I felt.) What I have learned:

The destination is not the point or the goal, and not even the journey is the point or goal, but Jesus is - Jesus is the goal, the prize...and I have already attained that. :)

My jungle is developing my team of ministry partners, being unclear as to what step to take next, and not knowing how or when I will ever reach my dream of doing full time minsitry. This jungle may seem like a period of waiting - waiting for the day of which I dream - but it is a period of walking with my LORD, as is all of life. I do not want to be looking forward so much that I miss what he has for me right now, that I miss more precious time with him. He is my hope amidst the jungle, and even if I am "lost" in this "jungle" for a prolonged period of time, I have already been found in the most important way - by my Hope, my Guide - and so long as I am with him, that is all that matters - I have all I need and am not truly lost.

Bottom line: Life's value is not defined by our actions, but rather, by our relationships. Living is not constantly looking toward the future; living is enjoying and taking part in the present.

Transitions

2010-06-22T19:55:00.000-04:00

So it has been a few days since returning from Getaway and there are some things on my mind and heart in the way of transitions.

Most obvious to me is my feelings of loneliness. Whenever I return from a trip that involves being around people almost all day, whether it be a week or 7, I almost always feel lonely. I miss people and the intimacy that I usually experience every day on trips like that.

At Getaway I had places to go every day and people to love and disciple - I had purpose. Coming back home seems like such a stark contrast to that and I am struggling with feelings of purposelessness. Without many interactions with people I feel like I do not have much purpose to my days.

Overall, I think I am struggling with the basic fact that I am trying to fit a changed person into a home, an environment, a world that is not changed. While at Getaway, I had experiences that do not fit into my "normal" life back in the "real world". I am changed, yet the world I have come back to is no different than when I left and I struggle to be the different I have become. It is very tempting to just return to the person I was and the ways I went prior to Getaway.

...

As someone so recently and so clearly noticed about me, I am a doer. I struggle with resting. It seems a theme that has been spoken into my life by two godly women the past two days.

As I read my thoughts and struggles above I wonder if my heart is even in the right place, for if I were finding all my satisfaction and worth in my relationship with and identity in Jesus, then would I not be okay? There are such fine lines between love and idolatry that I feel like I am walking. I pray that I do not focus on God for his benefit in ministry, for that would make ministry an idol. I pray that I do not focus on God and his character for the benefit of knowledge, for that would make knowledge an idol. I pray I do not focus on actions for or with God, for that would make work an idol. Can I be satisfied with just him? I pray that I can come to a place when and where I seek God just for him.

I am beginning to see that maybe my challenge for now is to rest - to rest in the presence of my Lord, to rest in the truth that he supplies EVERYTHING I need - that he is my company and provides the intimacy for which I long, and that so long as I am in union with him, I will remain the changed person he is working in me to be, despite in what environment I am.

I guess I am feeling the tension between my renewed spirit and my sin-stained heart and mind.

Romans 7:22–23 (ESV)
22 For I delight in the law of God, in my inner being, 23 but I see in my members another law waging war against the law of my mind and making me captive to the law of sin that dwells in my members.

Galatians 5:17 (ESV)
For the desires of the flesh are against the Spirit, and the desires of the Spirit are against the flesh, for these are opposed to each other, to keep you from doing the things you want to do.

But praise God for Romans 8:1-11 and Galatians 5:18! What a wonderful God that loves me!

Getaway 2010 - Wrap Up

2010-06-20T15:56:00.003-04:00

Days three and four we spent the afternoon doing outreach on the beach. I was amazed and captivated by the creativity of the outreaches we did. Some people did tug-of-war, some did slow motion football, and some just handed out free bottles of water. The coolest part of our conference outreach was the battle. We had two “armies” consisting of our guys painted up and armed with cardboard shields and weapons. Buses dropped us and them off at two locations and we drew a crowd to follow us to the battlefield to watch. The two armies came face to face and fought an epic battle. With each of these activities the students would strike up a conversation and talk about spiritual things. Many students had the chance to share the gospel and lead people to accept Christ as their Savior. I also had the opportunity to share the Gospel with people and see some accept Christ as their Savior.

The last two Chat Rooms that we had did not go in any way how I wanted, but I am sure God had a purpose for it. One relationship in particular was really challenging for me, but God used it to help me and the other person grow. God also used it to bring me to a depth in prayer where I have not been in a while, a place that I have missed and want to get back to. He also used it to remind me of my utter dependence upon him in everything that I do, and that I fear him and not what people think about me. Most of the time in ministry I can get away with loving gently; but there are times when a fierce love is called for – love that will speak truth boldly in the way of conviction and correction so as to restore one to a right place with God and others. For me it is always a scary and difficult way to love because of how highly I consider others’ thoughts about me. But when I fear and depend upon him, I can do all things.

The last two evening sessions were filled with great teaching from James White. I cannot even begin to describe it – it was the BEST teaching on the scriptures I have EVER heard. Needless to say, I learned a lot from those sermons. Along with that, the last night we had a Holy Ghost party, which I also cannot really describe, except that it must be the closest experience to what Heaven will be like that I have ever had. It was off the hook! Imagine 600+ people jumping, shouting, singing, rapping, dancing, etc. for an hour or so, all in praise and worship of our great God and Savior Jesus Christ – totally spontaneous worship. No one wanted to leave or stop. It was incredible!

Getaway 2010 - Day 2

2010-06-15T18:26:00.000-04:00

Last night I was hoping to talk with my girls about struggles in their lives. The evening message was about being vulnerable in community and was really good. The first half of our Chat Room we talked about emotions (something else the speaker mentioned). We had some great discussion and one of the girls really got the idea that it does not matter what or how many bad things a person has done, that they are declared righteous by their faith.

Somehow there was a natural break halfway through, and I felt like I lost them. They got rowdy and could not get back on track. We laughed a lot but eventually I sent them to bed.

I do not mind them having fun, but at the same time there is so much growth and depth that I feel like they will miss if we do not get the chance to talk about deeper things. Pray that we will get there when the time is right, and that I will have the discernment to know when to lead the discussion that way. I certainly do not want to rush things, but also do not want to miss the window of opportunity.

This morning during our staff meeting, one of the other Orlando leaders shared a story of how God is working in the guys' hearts. One guy in particular, one of the student leaders, was struggling with something pretty big and it was weighing heavily upon his heart. The leader could see on his countenance that somethings was going on inside so he asked. When the boy finally opened up, he just started crying - hardcore crying. The Orlando leader did not say much more before his buddies started rallying around him, hugging on him and supporting him. Eventually, other Orlando guys heard about this guy struggling and they ran to the room to support him. So picture all these young men, all of them crying for their brother, hugging him, supporting him, and encouraging him.

I love to hear stories like that, to hear how God is working in the hearts of guys, raising them up to be men of God.

I also want to share a story about another guy with whom God has blown me away. I met him through our seminar times (he is actually from Chattanooga). The topic of our seminar has been teaching students to reach out to groups on their campuses and to disciple others. The one guy really cares about the lost at his campus. He prayed for our table in regards to reaching out to others and his heart really shone through. He had scripture hidden in his heart that came out in his prayer along with his compassion for his fellow classmates. He asked questions about strategies and such. It was really refreshing to me to hear these teenagers filled with such compassion like Jesus and wondering how and planning even to reach his campus. He and another guy at the table want to go to Venezuela this summer on a mission trip. I think this trip would be great for them - great experience and especially great training and equipping for returning to their schools in the fall with the intent to reach their campus. The only thing that stands in their way is $3000 that they (collectively) need to raise in order to go on the trip. So pray for God to provide financial partners for Jack and Trent to be able to go on this mission trip.

Getaway 2010 - Day 1

2010-06-14T15:38:00.001-04:00

It has been a busy almost 24 hours since we have arrived here in SC. There are over 600 teenagers and interns/volunteers/staff here this week to grow in their relationship with God (or to begin that relationship). Last night, the speaker gave a very clear presentation of the best news of all time and we have already had some students respond by placing their faith in Jesus as their Lord and Savior. Woohoo, praise God!!!!!! This week we have the privilege of having the band Tenth Avenue North lead us in worship through music. They have already been a blessing to myself and to students. One of my girls was explaining last night that one of the songs really helped her connect with and experience God. It was so cool to hear!

I have a few more girls in my Chat Room than I thought I would, but I am so glad to have them all. You can be praying for Lindsey, Susan, Kayla, Alison, Rachel, Maggie, and Kara. I was so glad that during our first Chat Room they were really honest about where they feel like they are at spiritually coming into this conference. On a scale of 0 (being "I don't care about God") to 5 ("could be better, could be worse") to 10 ("Godisthebestthingever, Ilovehim,Ilovehim,Ilovehim!"), the lowest was 2.5 and the highest was a 7 or 8, and everyone else was in between. That may seem like a wide range to handle, but what I really like is that they all came to grow spiritually. Their passion for change overflowed in their answers to my questions - they are all SO hungry for more of God. IT JUST EXCITES ME! Pray for me as I challenge these girls to grow in their faith and lead them to know what steps to take next. I sometimes find myself surprised that they do not know, to me, what seems so elementary as far as a relationship with God goes; but it brings me back to the reality that they are still young spiritually, which is great! (We were all babies at one point, right?) I am excited that I get to reveal more of Jesus' love and redemption with these girls.

Reaching out

2010-05-24T17:31:00.003-04:00

Last Friday I was on my way to an appointment when I saw a man at an intersection asking for help. Sadly, this is not an uncommon sight.

<< Rewind<< A while ago I became discontent. Driving by these people every week I wondered what I could do. As a Christian, am I not supposed to be helping the less fortunate? Many thoughts of safety and questions of actions went through my mind. I continued to drive by these people and be reminded of my discontent. I was frustrated with the call/desire to help but no idea how. I kept praying.

Finally, I had an idea - gift cards - a practical way to help, while not risking money being spent on drugs or alcohol. So I decided to make a care package of sorts. I bought some gift cards to healthy-ish food places and put it in a card with an encouraging note. I, of course, do not want to meet only someone's physical need but want to make sure I minister to their spiritual need as well. So in the card I included a small book that explains the Gospel. I made a few of these care packs and put them in my glove compartment so they would always be handy. My hope was that this care package communicates that someone cares about them and that they have worth, ministering to their felt-need and their real need.

>>Flash forward>> I decide to pull over and give one of these care packages to this man. I parked and crossed the street. I shook his hand, introduced myself, and asked him about his situation. His name is Ronnie. He has some kind of blood disease and lost half of one of his legs. He is unemployed, thus the reason he was out there. I gave him the card and explained I had to go because I was on my way to an appointment. I told him I would pray for him. He was very grateful.

I wanted to ask you to say a quick prayer for him too.

I also challenge you to think about how you can reach out to others in need. Will you make care packs like mine? Will you get creative and think of other ways to reach out to others in need? If you do come up with other ideas I would like to hear them, so tell me about them. Of course asking God to provide for others is good. But we have to beware that we are not praying for God to provide for those in need only through other people. If we have the ability would not our faith and love move us to take action ourselves and be the answer to our own (and others') prayers? James 2:15–16 (ESV) says, "If a brother or sister is poorly clothed and lacking in daily food, and one of you says to them, 'Go in peace, be warmed and filled,' without giving them the things needed for the body, what good is that?" I would be so bold as to say that if we have the ability to reach out to others in need and are praying for God to provide for them, yet are not taking any action personally, then we are lying to ourselves and to God in that we really do not want God to provide for them. So ask God how you can help others in need...and do it!

I shall come forth as gold

2010-05-17T12:57:00.002-04:00

Thunder rolls, the dogs stand up looking a little worried. Emergency vehicle sirens ring out as the smell of fresh summer rain fills my nose. There is a lot on my mind as I eat my banana with peanut butter and honey. These cloudy, thundery, rainy moments seem to foster pausing life for reflection.

I woke up this morning on the "wrong side of the bed". I think I had been dreaming about a Friday workout with Trinity Fitness. Friday is the day when we share prayer requests at the gym. I awoke and my first thought was about a concern of mine. This concern has been on my heart for a long while, but recently I have thought about sharing it with my workout buddies. I guess that is how my dream was going.

It was a difficult start to the day. It makes for one of those days when you have to force yourself to do almost everything because you just don't care. I searched some scripture for a little pick me up. I got a little as I read that Jesus will be coming back one day. I got dressed and rode off to the gym wishing it were Friday so I could share what was on my heart. I knew that working out would be tough mentally; I usually do not have much mental endurance with this kind of weight on my mind and heart.

I walk in to find lots of equipment, a pretty big group, and a hard looking workout on the board. Another discouraging thought, "wow, this looks hard." It must have shown on my face because one of the women said I looked worried.

Mentally and physically I would say that I have strength. I am strong enough to often lift the prescribed weight and stand up to whatever difficulty/discouragement comes my way. But mentally and physically, I do not have much endurance. I can do push ups on my toes, but can barely make it to 20 before dropping to my knees for the remaining reps. Mentally, I think I give up too soon or think less of myself than of what I am capable. Physically, I could probably do more, but because I cannot take the strain mentally, I take a break or go with lighter weight. It does not help when I have the added burden of life concerns on my mind; then the weight is just too much to bear.

I know it is at these points I need Jesus - to rely on his strength and hope in him. I am not sure that I have quite figured out how to completely let go of trying on my own to letting him be my source of strength.

As I was running the last stretch of the last part of the workout, Job 23:10 came to mind. "When he has tested me, I shall come forth as gold." It made me think of the heat of the fire that gold must go through to be purified. I was hot. Summer has come quickly here in Melbourne and with the heat and humidity I was extremely sweaty and needed water. I wanted to quit and just walk. But I thought about my gold, how I want to come out purified as gold after all the heat and testing. It gave me the extra umph to keep going and to finish well.

Likewise, I know these tough times in life turn up the heat to purify me even more and I will come forth purified, as gold, when the fire is over. And that is where my hope is, that there is a higher purpose for this pain and it starts and ends with God, and is all for his glory. :) Such a wonderful thing to cling to my Savior!

Most influential person?

2010-05-05T19:13:00.002-04:00

Who (besides Jesus) has been the most influential person in your life? Why? Or how did s/he influence you?

It is hard for me to pick just one person. People make such great impacts in our lives and three come to mind quickly (mostly for their negative influence) and one comes to mind in the shadows, for that seems to be where she has always been, that quiet consistency of love and provision. My mom has always been present and prominent in most things in my life, good and bad. When I think about the other people that come into mind, it amazes me how their role in my life could play such a large part in influencing me. One person's absence had a great influence in my life, or really, lack thereof, and I can see how I might have been different had that person been more present. The other person's one action had an immediate and considerable effect in my life and had underlying effects that I have slowly learned of over the many years since that event.

But I will settle on my mom as the most influential person in my life (besides Jesus, of course). Her influence has been most consistent, most present and most direct. The most important influence she has had on me was introducing me to Jesus at a very young age and putting me in the environments for me to build a foundational knowledge of God and the Bible. I will present the rest of her influences chronologically.
Elementary School
She encouraged me and gave me the freedom to be who I wanted to be (and to look like and to dress like how I wanted). She never talked negatively about my tomboy-ish nature, so for the most part, I felt secure in who I was. She encouraged and enabled most of my passions, so I was able to begin following my dreams. She taught me how to make the best pancakes. She did the best job anybody probably could have done at getting me through the big tragedy of my elementary school years. The way she handled that situation instilled in me a healthy concern for emotional health, which has helped me to handle well the difficulties that follow.
Middle School
She started to become unavailable emotionally and I started to notice that I was missing something, though it was an unconscious awareness. It led me to seek out a relationship that had a great impact on how I viewed vulnerability and emotions (a person which I mentioned earlier). Because of her instability I experienced things and did things that matured me beyond my years.
High School
She taught me how to drive a stick-shift. I continued to mature more than necessary for a teenager and I quickly learned how to be an adult, somewhat. Her instability increased and I took on more responsibility than I should have. It led to a poor understanding of boundaries and responsibilities in relationships, with which I still struggle today. She afforded me the opportunity to love deeply, but also to hurt greatly. The pain I experienced, partly from my relationship with her, caused me to harden my heart, which I am also still working on today.

I am who I am today greatly because of lessons she taught me directly and because of lessons I inadvertently learned because of her own problems and how they affected me. This is just a general snapshot of her influence in my life. I still learn many things from her and because of her, and I imagine she will always be the most influential person in my life.

Biggest accomplishment?

2010-05-03T18:20:00.000-04:00

Hmmm, I have tried to give myself time to think about this hard question. I guess it is hard for me to answer because I feel like God deserves all the credit for anything good in my life - I could not have done it without him.

That being said first, now I am not really sure, I don't really keep track. But here are some notable accomplishments.

In 9th grade I managed to take honors classes, play on the school basketball team, take care of my mom after school and practice, and still somehow manage to get all A's.
I made it through college without any student loans. :D
I received the "Citizen of the Year" award one year in elementary school.

But as I mentioned before, I have to give God all the credit for enabling me to do those things.

Longest road trip?

2010-04-30T17:45:00.000-04:00

As a kid, my brother and I would travel up (from FL) to PA with my Mema and Papa. We usually took a couple days, but it was lots of fun (when I was not feeling carsick).

Myself driving, my longest road trip was going to a conference just north of Atlanta, GA, by myself.

This summer however, I will probably be driving up to Ridgecrest, SC, and maybe taking some detours to visit peeps. So that will probably be my longest road trip yet, and I will likely drive by myself.

Catching you up.

2010-04-27T11:40:00.003-04:00

There have been so many times that I have wanted to come on here and blog. God has been doing so much in my life and has been teaching me so much. I really want to start blogging more regularly. I guess I need to set aside time every couple days to do so.

Whenever I blog I always try to keep in mind the length, because I know that you do not have hours to read what I write. So keeping that in mind, but wanting to unload the blog topics that have been building up in my mind, I have decided to write the short thoughts and not develop them (so this blog will seem all over the place). Then I will try to blog more regularly so the topics do not build up again.

My 5K went well. I had a few friends come with me so it was nice to be able to hang out with and celebrate with them. It was fun and I reached a new personal best. My goal was to finish in 30 minutes (about which I was very skeptical), and I finished in 29:42. Woohoo! Running with others sped up my pace a bit, and the excitement and adrenaline from the event kept me pumped up and distracted. So the running was good, but I am not so sure I am crazy about running in races like that. I wrote before about liking the longer, harder runs because they emptied me and pointed me to Jesus. I cannot really attribute my great success in this race to my dependence on Christ; I was more dependent on my adrenaline. So whether I do another one or not I have not decided. The good thing that came out of it was motivation to run that far on my own, and thus emptying me and pointing me to Christ. So, we will see.

Of the family with whom I am currently living there is a boy in high school. They just had their prom last weekend and were talking about it on Monday. The boy was saying how of the people that he had interacted with that day, about 47% of them were talking about having sex after prom. : O 4 7 % Ugh, it just makes my heart drop to hear the saddened state of our high schools these days. And if that is not bad enough, it just pumps up my desire to be doing ministry with Student Venture. If I am not careful with it I can quickly get frustrated with God for "taking so long" to bring enough partners onto my team so that I can get out on the front lines. Sometimes it is so hard to keep myself in check. But I cannot save the world and there are people already out there whom God is using. So I guess I can wait until he is ready for me (or until I am ready) to get out on the field.

I am currently reading through Judges...and it is aWeSoMe! Previously I was struggling to get through the Old Testament. I had the wrong perspective. My goal was to get through it just to get through it. Once I changed my perspective to seek to learn about God it became not only tolerable, but pleasurable and desireable. Now I am excited each night as I climb in bed for my "story time". Reading through Old Testament stories and looking at what, how and why God is doing is teaching me/reminding me a lot about God but also bringing up some questions. Like last night, I read that God sent an evil spirit between to Abimelech and the leaders of Shechem (Judges 9:23). How could God do that, does that not contradict with his goodness? Things like that I just do not understand about God.

Well, that is probably enough for now, but be looking for more posts coming soon! : )

"Maybe we're spiritually obese"

2010-04-17T19:05:00.002-04:00

Those words came out of my mouth while talking with a friend. I was confessing to her that I felt lazy in my relationship with God (amidst other things). I was confessing that I am not taking much initiative in setting aside time to spend alone with God and his Word. My hunger I guess is not there and I feel stuck.

I was also sharing with her some other thoughts that had been going through my mind. A friend recently was talking about changes in their ministry and their life. The ministry has changed from a "holy huddle" to an actual outreach to people who do not believe in Jesus as their Lord and Savior. In their lives, they are seeking to do life with and be friends with people that are not Christians. As full time ministers they are going against the grain, seeking to do ministry rather than just help others do ministry.

Hearing what he had to say really challenged me and I have been thinking about my life. Part of a book I read recently was pointing out that it is a stumbling block for listeners if the message they hear preached does not match the preacher's actions. It made me think about when I will report to the field for ministry and when I am talking with teenagers, challenging them to reach out to their peers or family. Would my life be a stumbling block for my preaching to them? I am sad to say that right now it would be.

She identified with what I was saying and we both tried to figure out what was different a few years ago when we did not feel so stuck. We thought back to being college students regularly having spiritual conversations with students on campus. We were regularly *exercising* our faith and not just consuming. We were pouring out ourselves. As it is now, I feel spiritually obese - consuming and consuming and not using what I am consuming. I feel stuffed, like after Thanksgiving dinner, when you just cannot take one more bite. So maybe that is why I feel stuck and am not taking much initiative. I am lazy in my fatness.

But we have resolved to start exercising regularly - spiritually that is. We are going to keep each other accountable to serve weekly and have spiritual conversations weekly. Personally, I "got off the couch" this morning and am fighting the laziness, seeking God in his wonderful Word and in honest prayer. Boy it is hard work, but like I learned a couple weeks ago, it takes hard work to get to the top of the bridge. :)

The running continues...

2010-03-31T23:28:00.001-04:00

I went for a shorter run today, with plans to do some strength training afterward. Today's run, a 2-miler, was quick and relatively easy. I breezed through it in 16ish minutes (it was probably a little less than two miles). I did not cramp up and my legs did not get tired. I returned home and went on with some strength exercises and that was it.

In reflecting on it just now, I realized that I prefer the longer runs. I prefer the ones when I get exhausted, cramped up, legs tired, and wanting to quit. I prefer the longer time, as opposed to 'blink' and it is over. Seems crazy, right? It probably is, but let me explain.

Last Sunday I went for a run. It was probably my hardest one yet, physically and mentally. The day was dreary and I was not in the mood. I did not want to go, but I made myself anyway. And to make matters worse (or so it seemed) I left my iPod at home (to help me get used to its absence for the upcoming 5K). So out I went, and I pushed myself, hard. I kept up my pace, not letting myself slow down like last time. I even jogged in place at the stoplights. I did not want to stop to walk unless I absolutely had to.

It all actually turned out quite well, but to one thing I must attribute my improvement and success. The difference in that particular run was that I tried to be very conscious of God and the fact that he was with me. I prayed (when I was not distracted). And when I got distracted by thoughts of slowing down or walking, I just started praising him, literally clapping up praises because whatever insufficiency I was feeling, God was still soooo awesome. So the more tired I got, the more I praised him. Knowing and acknowledging that he was there with me encouraged me. Remembering and praising his goodness encouraged me. It was awesome!

But it took the wasting of me to turn to him. So I conclude: I prefer longer runs, because the struggle points me back to God and the best way to make it through is to praise him. I prefer longer runs because it empties me and fills me with him. :) What a wonderful thought!

Questions...

2010-03-31T22:38:00.005-04:00

So I got an account on formspringme.com. It is this cool thing where people can ask you questions and then you answer them. I am actually surprised at how many questions I have gotten so far. Since I have the question box on this site (and it does not do a good job of directing people where the answers will post) I decided to just answer the questions on the blog as well. Even though only one person asked the question, it might be fun or helpful for others to see it. I also would feel more free to give longer, more complete answers on here. So without further ado...

What is your favorite song of all time?
Gosh...that is a hard one. After some thought, I will go with a very deep and theological answer - the song of praise the Church will sing for all eternity. Something like the song in Revelation 4...and something like this:

Ever thought about what it takes to get to a spiritual high?

2010-03-26T15:22:00.001-04:00

I went for a run the other day (as I often do). I was running up a bridge and was thinking about how it takes a lot of hard work to get up the bridge, yet going down always feels so easy. Somehow my brain made a similarity to the spiritual life.

In the Christian life we sometimes identify certain events or periods as "spiritual highs". These are times when we feel close to God. We can hear him clearly and seem to just "do the right things". We are living the way we were meant to and loving it. It is a time like that retreat you went to as a youth. For the entire weekend you escaped the spiritual oppression from the world. Those pressures and distractions were minuscule. Everybody around you was trying to grow in their faith and relationship with Jesus. It was a rich environment for you to clear your head and get things straight. You grew in your faith and maybe even felt like God was giving you direction for part of your life. You were on top of the spiritual world and felt like nothing could get you down.

But remember a few weeks after that, when you really messed up with your parents. And the direction God gave you was not so clear anymore - did he really tell you to do that? The world had crept back in and fogged up your sights once again. You no longer felt so close to God and your relationship with him was just...well...hard.

So what does all this have to do with running up and down a bridge?

As I was running up that bridge I thought, "the top is like a spiritual high." A second later I thought, "but it takes so much effort to get to the top, and it is so easy to run down the bridge." And there it was.

It takes a lot of effort to get to a spiritual high. It may take planning, rescheduling, facing persecution, traveling, isolation - any number of things. It is hard work and tiring, and sometimes you may feel like quitting even before you get to the top.

But the view is astounding! Getting to the top is so rewarding. That day I was runing, I saw a dolphin - how cool! I could see boats, cars, buildings and all sorts of things for miles around. It can be a great way to see the big picture, which often helps guide our plans and actions. But the best part is just the experience of feeling like you are closer to God - it just seems more real.

Just beware. Before I knew it, I had breezed down the bridge and once I hit the flat ground my feet felt heavy again - heavier than before. Sometimes it does not take long to come down from a spiritual high - it is often so easy you do not notice you are descending...until you plateau. Then it seems like a struggle, harder than before. You may even have lots of doubts. Did I really see that dolphin? Was that boat really that close? The big picture may become skewed and you may start to doubt the things you learned, what you heard God say, or the guidance you received. Weeks or months later you may even find yourself wondering, "Did I really run that bridge?"

So work hard to get to the top and be attentive to the descent. Record things during your spiritual highs so you can refute the doubts when they come. (Just like this picture shows that I really was at the top.)

Journals are a great way to record your thoughts and prayers, lessons you learned and what you felt like God was saying to you.

And one more thought. I think ahead to how I want to keep ascending that bridge (and training for my 5K). I may not have been able to run the entire way up the bridge the first time, but as I continue to train I will be able to run the entire ascent, it will get easier and I will be able to make regular visits to the top. So maybe those principles transfer to the spiritual life as well, not necessarily that you will have spiritual highs more often, but that experiencing a closer relationship with God becomes more natural and regular.

MPD like Israel's wanderings

2010-03-24T22:51:00.002-04:00

I'm reading Deuteronomy. Could it be that ministry partner
development (MPD) is like this wandering in the wilderness? God is
certainly leading and frequently humbling me and others during this
process. I certainly feel that my faith and heart is being tested,
whether I will walk in his ways or my own.
It seems like it to me...just thought I would share.

The Redemptive Thrust of Scripture

2010-03-16T11:53:00.000-04:00

The following comes from a selected chapter assigned as a part of the Biblical interpretation class that I hope to take this summer.

Summary
When composing a lesson to teach or preach, there are two focuses/perspectives that can be taken: 1) fallen-condition focus (FCF) and 2) redemptive-historical focus (RHF). The FCF takes the experiential perspective by focusing on Jesus as the remedy for our experience of the fall - sin, suffering, brokenness, etc. In considering a passage of scripture it asks the question, "What aspect of the fallen condition of mankind does this passage address?" Each passage reveals the ways that I, you, we, humanity need the grace of God. The RHF takes the theological perspective by focusing on God's divine plan of redemption, assuming that God has a divine plan. It asks each passage, "What aspect of the divine plan does this passage reveal?" Every passage in every book focuses on Jesus by revealing some aspect his person and work. Each book does this uniquely. "These two methods keep us from preparing messages that contain true statements and good counsel but are ultimately sub-Christian because there is nothing of the Savior in them."

My thoughts and opinions
The most important thing to notice is that all of scripture points to Jesus, period! Regardless of whether you are looking through red or green lenses, you still see Jesus; you just see him in a different light - by light of experience or theology.

As much as I like to ponder theology and learn more about it, my preferred perspective is the fallen-condition focus. It is probably the teacher in me, because I want everyone I teach to feel the weight of their need for Jesus, so as to accept him gladly. One of my favorite quotes says something like, "If they don't feel the weight of the problem, they won't care about the solution." If people do not agree that they need something/someone like Jesus, then all our words will fall on deaf ears. I want my audience to be captivated and convicted so that they are begging for Jesus' solution before I even finish. It seems simple to me, but how can your audience not be attentive if you are talking about something they agree with and for which they crave solutions? (I'll get off my soap box now.)

Another important consideration for the fallen-condition focus is what is meant by "fallen-condition". This does not only refer to sin, but anything related to living in a fallen world - sin, suffering, and frustrated longings. Suffering for example, may be experienced because of our own sin, someone else's sin, this sin-wrecked world (illness, death, natural disasters), persecution and Satanic/demonic oppression, or just plain ignorance. So fallenness encompasses more than just sinfulness.

My questions
Nope, I liked it way too much to have questions.

Resources
Doriani, D. Getting the Message: a Plan for Interpreting and Applying the Bible. (pp. 170-186) Phillipsburg, NJ: P&R Publishing

Bible reading - part 3

2010-03-09T19:43:00.000-05:00

(I finally finished this article on reading the Bible.)

Summary
Reading the Bible for Personal Application - Personal application of the Bible is a mystery. The contents of the Bible was written in a different time to different people in different situations. Essentially, we are reading someone else's mail. Yet, the Bible still speaks to us. Personal application can be expanded in the following ways. First, consolidate what you already learned. Chances are there are some passages that you listened to and connected with right away and thus they were, and may still be, very applicable to your life. Passages like these are usually straightforward where you can easily plug in your life's details. Secondly, look for those passages that are directly applicable. These are usually more general scriptures, such as those found in the Psalms. Finally, recognize that many passages are not direct for personal application, but tackling those passages to apply them personally can be very rewarding.

My thoughts and opinions
This was probably my least favorite part of this article. Though there was one part that I will take with me as I move on. One big advantage to digging into the less direct passages to apply them personally is that they provide a different perspective. These passages take one's focus off one's self and places them on the bigger picture. This decrease in focus on one's self may be just what one needs. The Bible is all about God, and thus our lives should be too. The Bible is not for our benefit but God's glory (albeit through changing us), so this refocusing perspective is crucial.

My questions
I guess I got nothin'.

Bible reading - part 2

2010-03-09T11:17:00.004-05:00

Wow, I feel like I have just been overloaded with information! I thought I had a good understanding of what it meant to read the Bible as literature, but WHOA was I wrong! There is so much more that I never thought of and can/need to take into account when reading and interpreting the Bible.

Summary
Reading the Bible as Literature - There is a distinction that needs to be made between expository writing and literary writing. The Bible is literature, with means rather than just informing and stating abstract thoughts (expository writing), it explains those abstract thoughts through stories of concrete human experiences (literary writing). Authors do not write about characters, actions, and situations, but the use those to write about God, people and the world. There is a form to this book of theology, and it is literature. Thus, we must be able to understand the form in order to accurately interpret the theology of the Bible. [Whoa!] Taking all of this into account, there are then many things to consider - literary genres, literary subject matter (human experiences - which I have already mentioned), archetypes, motifs, stylistics, rhetoric, and artistry. "The Bible is a literary book in which theology and history are usually embodied in literary forms."

Reading the Bible in Prayer and Communion with God - That we could commune with the creator God is unthinkable. How is this possible? Because God took the initiative to reconcile with us poor, ungrateful, backstabbers. "The first thing to say about the Bible in relation to communion with God is that the message of how to be reconciled to God for the glory of God is the central message of the Bible." That is where we must start. But it does not end there. Communion here is defined as "not merely learning about God but enjoying fellowship with God in the truth he reveals about himself." The Bible is where God reveals himself, and therefore a place of communion. We pray to the Father, by the work of Christ, with the help of the Holy Spirit. Prayer encompasses confession, praise, thanks, requests, and others. God reveals himself in words through the Bible and prayer is our response to God using words (as opposed to responding through actions). The Bible not only reveals God, but gives us instruction, examples and encouragement about prayer. The Word allows us to pray, helps us to pray, and gives us our prayer - that God would be glorified and that others would be saved through faith in Jesus Christ.

My thoughts and opinions
In regard to prayer and communion with God, not as many things were new or impactful. Though a couple things stood out. "When we pray for God to do what only he can do, he alone gets the glory while we get the joy." What a sweet deal! We pray, God does the work, and we get to partake in the benefits of his glorification. Wow, how awesome is that! I just cannot get over that we get so much despite our undeserving of it. But then again, it is even there where he is glorified and we are satisfied. Huh, wonderful. :)
"We speak to God the Father, on the basis of Christ's work, by the help of the Spirit." This sentence made me think of how I and many others conclude our prayers - "in Jesus' name we pray, amen," or something to that effect. I just thought of how cool it would be to encompass the whole Trinity when concluding our prayers by stating that "we pray to you Father/Almighty God, etc., on the basis of the work of Christ, by the help/power of the Spirit within us, amen."

As for the Bible as literature, my mind was/is overloaded. In order to interpret the Bible the way I desire (really well, accurately, etc.), there is a lot that I need to learn (or remember from school). But the prospect of digging into literature is so exciting to me - it is more than just a boring, straightforward essay. It is a artistically written book, full of variety of forms to keep us entertained and engaged. We can (and should) read the book with vivid imaginations playing out the words on the page. We can engage with the concrete human experiences and learn truths and lessons vicariously (much less painful, might I add, than learning them on our own, the hard way). I think of a time when I was trying to memorize the whole chapter of Luke 15, and when I got to the story of the prodigal son I acted it out as a drama. For the first parable I drew a comic strip and for the second story I rewrote the story for modern times. Without really realizing it, I was taking advantage of the literary opportunity the Bible presents us with to relate to and engage with the scriptures. Now if that does not make reading the Bible exciting, I don't know what does!

My questions
Hmmm...I do not think I have any this time.

Resource
"Reading the Bible." (2008) English Standard Version Study Bible. (pp. 2567-2568) Wheaton, Ill: Good New Publishers.

Bible reading - part 1

2010-03-06T23:42:00.002-05:00

I started reading an article in my English Standard Version (ESV) Study Bible as part of the readings for my next Institute of Biblical Studies (IBS) classes. The article is about reading the Bible (seems pretty simple right?). Here's what I have gotten so far:

Summary:
There are various ways to read the Bible - theologically, as literature, in prayer and communion with God, for personal application, and for preaching and public worship.

First things first, a few foundations must be laid. The Bible is the Church's instruction book. It is canonical, meaning it is the standard, literally the "measuring rod". It is God's instruction and standard for faith and life. Crucial to classification as canonical is the Bible's inspiration and unity. The Bible is God's self-revelation to humans, by means of divinely illuminated humans writing in their own words so that we may understand. However diverse in form and style the writing, the Bible is unified in content and themes. The entirety of scripture tells one story, that of Creator God redeeming his creation and chosen ones through Jesus Christ.

Finally, theological reading. Theological reading of the Bible is a quest for God. Theological reading must always be done prayerfully. It is a prayerful search for God, in light of three guiding principles. First, revelation of God throughout the Bible was progressive - from dreams and visions in humans to the Lord himself revealing himself through the incarnate Jesus - partial to full/complete. Second, one must keep in mind the difference of everyday words when used in relation to God (reading "analogically", similar in meaning to reading metaphorically). Third is to keep in mind the Triunity of God - three "persons" yet one divine Being.

Secondly, theological reading is a quest for godliness. "The goal of theological Bible reading is...to know God personally in a relationship that honors him." So, three questions guide readers. 1) "What is shown about God the Father, Son, and Holy Spirit?" 2) What is shown about the world with its beneficial aspects along with its corrupted aspects? and 3) "What is shown to guide one's living, today and every day?"

My Thoughts and Opinions
(I think I was so caught up in "regurgitating" that I did not really analyze what I learned/remembered, if anything.) There is a lot there that is completely up to the interpretation of the article's writer(s). Some things I have heard before, multiple times actually. I have learned a little bit already about the canonicity of the Bible. Though is not the purpose of this article, there could be more that could be mentioned. Progressive revelation and "analogical" language were new ideas to me. They are good things to point out and to consider. I prefer the questions at the end, probably because I always prefer more practical concepts - and questions are very practical. These are great questions to ask yourself when you are reading any part of scripture. It forces you to look at the context and background of the scripture, which most likely is time consuming, but they will lead to a more accurate interpretation of God's Word and thus a more accurate revelation of God - which is the whole point of it all anyway - God.

My Questions
From where did the term "analogical" come?

Resource
"Reading the Bible." (2008) English Standard Version Study Bible. (pp. 2567-2568) Wheaton, Ill: Good New Publishers.

"What do you want the Lord to do for you?"

2010-03-01T12:04:00.005-05:00

I opened My Upmost for His Highest and ran across that question for the title for February 29th. Something in me would not let me move on to March 1st, but to consider that question. So I skimmed Oswald's thoughts and got stuck on the 'supernatural' idea. "What do I want God to do supernaturally in my life?" became the question to answer. I knew immediately the answer - I want to reach my full support goal by June 4th. In addition to and as a result of that, I want to staff Getaway and then take IBS classes the following four weeks. Then, for the rest of my summer I can work on more ministry partner development until the team returns and I start my training for Student Venture ministry. I know the Bible warns us about making our own plans, and all of these desires I state in a heart of surrender, with the attitude of "if the Lord wills" (James 4:13-15). I cannot do it on my own - I must have God act supernaturally in my life and in my world, but that (and more) is what I am asking of him. I ask you to join with me in praying for this.

Circumcision

2010-02-17T14:48:00.006-05:00

Today I stumbled across some good reading relating to science and the Bible. I looked up 'circumcision' in the Tyndale Bible Dictionary to gain a better understanding of the topic while I was reading through Exodus. I found great information (that I have yet to finish reading), but here are my thoughts thus far.

Summary:
Circumcision was practiced even before the Hebrew people. Males were circumcised around puberty, often for fertility reasons, but also for preparation for marriage and full tribal responsibilities. Circumcision became established with the Hebrew people when God established his covenant with Abraham (Gen. 17). For the Hebrew people thereafter it became a sign of the covenant between God and Abraham. The Hebrew people were then the only people to circumcise during infancy. Today, it is often practiced for hygienic reasons and only within Judaism does it carry religious implications.

My thoughts and opinions:
There were a few things of note that I find fascinating. Most fascinating is how God's instruction about circumcision displays his Creator knowledge of physiology. "Medical research has determined that prothrombin, a substance in the blood that aids in clotting, is present in greater quantity on the eighth day than at any other time in life." In many Western nations today it is practiced a few days after birth because of the hygienic benefits believed to be a result - prevention of genital cancer for both sexes. Although it is regularly practiced in medicine today, I am considering waiting for the eighth day if I ever have a son.

Another interesting point is that circumcision is not mentioned in the Koran. However, Muslims practice circumcision traditionally because Muhammad was circumcised. In contrast to Judaism or Western culture, males are commonly circumcised at age 13 because that is when Ishmael was circumcised. Ishmael is significant because Arabs trace their ancestry to Abraham through Ishmael.

Finally, circumcision was a sign of the fulfillment of God's covenant with Abraham. The fact that it was done in infancy reaffirmed the covenant for each generation, regardless of faith or unbelief. By this, God made it so that no matter the response of the heart of the people, his covenant would be fulfilled. There was nothing the people could do to bring about or hinder the fulfilling of God's covenant. I guess I like Elwell's and Comfort's interpretation of that meaning because it points back to the Gospel - there is nothing we humans can do to earn or hinder our salvation and sanctification through the blood of Jesus.

My questions:
I guess I do not have any questions for now.

Resource:
Elwell, W. A., & Comfort, P. W. (2001). Tyndale Bible dictionary. Tyndale reference library (p 285). Wheaton, Ill.: Tyndale House Publishers.

Same goal, different strategy

2010-02-17T14:36:00.003-05:00

So it has been a few weeks since sharing my new goal. I have had plenty of time to search and rethink. The week following the establishing of my new goal I searched for books and resources that I already owned that I could read. I was disappointed at the lack of books devoted to each subject, though I found some decent articles. But then I thought about the classes that I have to take for the Institute of Biblical Studies (IBS). I know it requires significant reading, but the classes are only two weeks each. So I did some research and found that some staff read ahead of time and find the class experience to be much more pleasurable. It sounded great to me so I looked up the book information for each of my next four classes (that I may take this summer). So my new strategy is to read through those books primarily. They will cover the topics of Biblical interpretation, Old Testament Survey, Biblical communication, and doctrine of God, Bible and Holy Spirit. I have also adjusted my strategy to at least four out of the seven days of the week, but still at two hours each time, with some blogging. In addition to the topics of the classes, I may delve into some of the topics I mentioned before.

New faith challenge

2010-02-04T22:09:00.002-05:00

So I have been working on a lesson I want to (and will) teach to the middle school students in my church's youth group. My faith, trust and dependence upon the Spirit are certainly being challenged to grow. The insufficiency that I find in my thoughts is that I do not know this passage of scripture well enough to teach it. "What if I am wrong? What if I am taking it out of context?" Because of these questions I feel I need to be an expert on this passage...and book....and entire Bible in order to feel confident that I am not taking in out of context and that I am keeping in line with the entirety of scripture. .....I have never felt so inadequate while preparing for a lesson. :\

But that may be an indicator that I am relying on myself. I know that I have the Holy Spirit within me, which is the mind of Christ. He knows the Word and all the truths of God and has the ability to reveal them to me, inspire me and correct me if need be. So I must trust the Spirit within me to guide me (and to guide my youth) into all truth and to teach all truth. I am doubting my own insufficiencies, which I think is healthy, because I am imperfect. But I am stuck there instead of turning my gaze to him and trusting that the Spirit within me makes up for my insufficiencies and inspires my lesson with all truth.

::sigh:: I love these gentle, quiet lessons from God. :)

New Goal

2010-02-01T12:48:00.002-05:00

I was recently made aware of the fact that God took many, many years to prepare Jesus and Paul for ministry. When I think about my preparation for ministry it seems much shorter. But I do not want that to be an issue and I know that God can do incredible things in this time of preparation (while I develop my team of ministry partners). As part of preparation for ministry I took (and recently finished) a New Testament Survey class. I was sad that it had to end because I enjoyed learning more - I felt more prepared to talk with others about the Bible and what it says. I was praying about preparation for ministry and was inspired to continue this mental/intellectual preparation for ministry by studying on my own. I want to hone in on select topics that I think will be most beneficial for my future ministry (and am praying that God confirms these or leads me in directions he knows will be more beneficial). So here is my goal and strategy (and what you have to look forward to). I hope that by writing it out I will be more accountable to it.

Goal: to prepare for ministry by increasing my knowledge about relevant topics

Strategy: Spend two hours a day reading, studying, and reflecting on a particular topic. Topics include: science/creation science, world religions, apologetics, theology, emotional life/counseling, Bible study. The last half hour I will blog briefly about what I learned, my thoughts and opintions, and my questions. The blogging will really help me to process, especially if I do not have live discussions with people about these topics.

Suffering

2009-12-14T22:21:00.002-05:00

Hebrews 5:8-9 "Although he was a son, he learned obedience through what he suffered. And being made perfect..."

This is the second time now, in Hebrews, I've come across this idea of sanctification through suffering. It first came in Hebrews 2:10 (11-18), "For it was fitting that he [God] ... should make the founder of their salvation perfect through suffering." Even Jesus had to be made perfect through suffering. How much more do we have to suffer to be made perfect?! If we are to be like Jesus, then we must suffer. I guess this is what Paul understood and meant when he said, "that I may know him and the power of his resurrection, and may share his sufferings, becoming like him in his death, that by any means possible I may attain the resurrection from the dead" (Philippians 3:10-11). "That by any means possible" - wow, Paul was willing to do ANYTHING to attain resurrection from the dead!

I wish I had the same attitude. That would definitely make suffering more endurable, or I would look at it completely different - as gain, like Paul did, and not as loss, like I do.

And he explains in other verses, such as Philippians 1:29, "For it has been granted to you that for the sake of Christ you should not only believe in him but also suffer for his sake" and again in Philippians 3:8, "Indeed, I count everything as loss because of the surpassing worth of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord. For his sake I have suffered the loss of all things and count them as rubbish in order that I may gain Christ." In Philippians 1:29, Paul makes it sound like suffering for Christ is a gift counted along with faith. Incredible, suffering a gift! And in Philippians 3:7-11, Paul goes so far as to say that his gain - what he had not suffered - he thought of as loss. He willingly suffered the loss of things so that he could have Christ, only Christ. He gave up everything in which he could take pride! This really strikes a cord in me. I do not want to give up good things just to suffer. I want to hold tightly to the good I have - I do as if it were my life. But Oh to have Paul's and Jesus' humility and surrender, to let go of all I hold dear to free my hands to take hold of Christ, to let go of whatever good I perceive to take hold of the only thing I know to be truly good at all times - Jesus. He is always good, and though I may suffer the loss of many things, at least I can be sure that I would not suffer the loss of the most precious thing - Jesus.

There is so much more about suffering about which I could write. Like 1 Peter, that I recently read - the entire letter is about suffering and hope in the midst of suffering, or Jesus' own words on suffering, such as in Matthew 10:16-33. I have only scratched the surface.

A story of a girl continued

2009-12-11T10:22:00.007-05:00

For the beginning of this story, see Friday, December 4, 2009.

So distracted by her thoughts she has forgotten about the bright figure. Yes, no, yes, no - she is toiling within. And just as she begins to lose hope, giving in to her value for comfort, she is gently startled out of her warring thoughts. A soothing voice breaks the silence, so beautiful, like she's never heard, echoed by a glorious host...

When you pass through the waters, I will be with you [He slowly moves towards her.]
And the waves, will not overcome you
[His eyes filled with great compassion.] Do not fear, for I have redeemed you
I have called you by name, [He gently cups her face...] you are Mine

For I am the Lord your God (I am the Lord your God)
I am the Lord your God
(I am) the Holy One of Israel, your Savior
For I am the Lord your God (I am the Lord your God)
I am the Lord your God
(I am) the Holy One of Israel, your Savior

I am the Lord (do not fear)
I am the Lord (do not fear)
I am the Lord (do not fear)
I am the Lord (do not fear)

When you pass through the fire, you'll not be burned
And the flames will not consume you
Do not fear, for I have redeemed you
I have called you by name, you are Mine

For I am the Lord your God (I am the Lord your God)
I am the Lord your God
(I am) the Holy One of Israel, your Savior
For I am the Lord your God (I am the Lord your God)
I am the Lord your God
(I am) the Holy One of Israel, your Savior

I am the Lord (do not fear)
I am the Lord (do not fear)
I am the Lord (do not fear)
I am the Lord (do not fear)

...

" But now thus says the Lord, he who created you, O Jacob, he who formed you, O Israel: “Fear not, for I have redeemed you; I have called you by name, you are mine. When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and through the rivers, they shall not overwhelm you; when you walk through fire you shall not be burned, and the flame shall not consume you. For I am the Lord your God, the Holy One of Israel, your Savior. I give Egypt as your ransom, Cush and Seba in exchange for you. Because you are precious in my eyes, and honored, and I love you, I give men in return for you, peoples in exchange for your life." (Isaiah 43:1-4, ESV)

A story of a girl

2009-12-04T13:25:00.009-05:00

The disfigured, disgusting fingers wrap tightly around her arm. She's pulled along unwillingly and alone, then thrown into a cave! It's dark and she can hear the sound of water dripping slowly from the roof of the cave, splattering on the cave floor. The hands have let go only to grasp shackles bound by chains. They're thrown and come flying in the air, whirring as they move. ::Clink, clink:: They find their way to the little girl's wrists, fitting snug, first the right, then the left. Yanking her down, the chains fasten themselves to the cave floor, one is called Guilt, the other, Obligation. Bondage begins. A sinister laugh comes from the dark figure with the gangly hands, covered with filth and grime. A smile of pleasure is highlighted by the last light of day as the creature moves away...

The days creep by like years, and a year seems like a day. Time has been lost in the monotonous driving by the chains. She grows and grows, taking the form of a young woman, but the shackles still bind her wrists. They that once fit snugly have become small, cutting into the skin growing up around them. Many times she struggled against them, trying to wriggle loose. But all that came was pain and blood as the cold, hard metal dug into her writhing wrists. She learned to stop fighting the chains that bound her. Giving in to the driving force, she worked. Hope was lost, conformity set in. Her work has become so streamlined and almost effortless, but still, driven by her chains. Yet, it has become comfortable to her, after years of this kind of life. She has forgotten what it was like to work because she loved. Love.....maybe is was a faint memory of some reality gone forever. She lets the thought slip away as not to disturb her "peace".

A lighted figure appears, almost blinding her. So glorious and radiant, her heart leaps at the sight of him. Somehow she knows he is good and that he can remove her shackles and free her from bondage.

But she's afraid. Having grown up with these shackles, she feels they are a part of her. Her skin so accustomed to having them, it would tear and rip and bleed at their removal. She doesn't want to feel that pain; she doesn't want to face that reality.

But freedom awaits her soon after the pain of removal, why would she say no?
She knows that healing would come and her wrists would be restored...

...but it will hurt too much, she doesn't think she can bear it.

Love.....she could work because of love again! Her heart leaps at the thought. She'll do it, she'll say yes.

But oh, it will hurt, and she hasn't been out of the cave since she was a girl. What if...? What if...? What if...? She struggles within herself, wanting to be free, but scared of the unknown that would come. She feels so alone...

He awaits her decision...

My current (and long-standing) battle

2009-11-04T10:22:00.004-05:00

"There is a price to pay, but there will be a greater price if we continue to drift."
(Wiersbe, Warren W.: Prayer : Basic Training. Wheaton, IL : Tyndale, 1988)

God, I confess my non-desire to pay that initial price. There are so many mornings like this one that I don't even think to stop and sit with you. I just want to start working and start checking off tasks. It is a struggle sometimes to even hesitate my mind in order to think of prayer. There is a great need for prayer and one of my deepest desires is to meet that need. Everyday I wish I could spend hours praying so that everyday I could pray for every one of my friends and loved ones. But there is a cost for prayer and it is sacrifice and discipline. And it is this sacrifice of time, God, that I so often don't want to make, so much so that my desire does not even evoke a thought about it. There are days when I don't think of it, and even fewer that I act on it, but the good news is, days of action are increasing in number. But I am not satisfied God, either that or I am not allowing myself grace. But if there is one thing Lord that deserves the smallest extension of grace in times of failure, it is the occurence of prayer. This is such a strong desire in me that it builds up when I don't pray until my heart is so heavy I am pulled to my knees to pray. It is the greatest thing in the world to STOP.....and pray - earnestly, fervently, relentlessly, warring on behalf of loved ones and strangers and by faith extending the reaches of the Kingdom - for we know that you work when we pray and our prayers will not be fruitless.

But Lord, I am not statisfied with my lack of action to prayer. I want to and pray that I would do this of my own choice and out of my deep desire and passion; I pray that my passion and desire would drive me to my knees so that never again will the weight of unprayed prayers be the thing that drives me there. EVERYDAY God, may I first sit at the foot of your throne and beg and plead for the lives and souls of my loved ones and those that do not know you. EVERYDAY may I traverse the earth with you in prayer, fighting with the angels on behalf of my loved ones that are so weak and beaten down they cannot fight off the evil and sin that is holding them hostage. And may I just sit with you, silent, in the comfort and protection of your mighty Daddy arms, more full of love than I will ever know or be able to comprehend. And may it be there Lord, that I find the strength to make it through the day. May it be there Lord that I am filled so that I might not run to what the world has to offer me to try to satisfy my soul. And there Lord may I always be reminded of my first love and husband, and of my single devotion to him, Jesus. May my sights be always agaze on him that I may live every moment as one who is unconditionally and passionately loved, NEVER forgetting that I am loved. Amen.

Hmmm. That was a prayer I wrote three months ago. I wish I could say that after that I was disciplined in taking set aside time to war on my knees for those that I love - I confess that I have not. But every word of that prayer still rings true in my heart and I desire it as much now as I did then. The thing I cannot understand is how I can have so much passion and desire for something, yet not have it show in my everyday life. Where is the disconnect? Where is the passion restrained so that everyday I do not get on my knees to pray? It may be likely that it is the same thing that seems to always get in the way of what I deeply desire - namely, my mindset that I must perform and work for my worth and acceptance. At the end of the day, if I didn't get much done, I feel horrible, like I am horrible. So as the end of the day draws near and I reflect on all that I wanted/needed to do yet is not finished, I push aside what is much more important to me so that I can try to accomplish more so that I feel of worth. *sigh* Does anyone else feel this way?

" O foolish Galatians! Who has bewitched you? It was before your eyes that Jesus Christ was publicly portrayed as crucified. Let me ask you only this: Did you receive the Spirit by works of the law or by hearing with faith? Are you so foolish? Having begun by the Spirit, are you now being perfected by the flesh? Did you suffer so many things in vain—if indeed it was in vain? Does he who supplies the Spirit to you and works miracles among you do so by works of the law, or by hearing with faith— just as Abraham “believed God, and it was counted to him as righteousness”?" (Galatians 3:1-6, ESV)

" For the promise to Abraham and his offspring that he would be heir of the world did not come through the law but through the righteousness of faith. For if it is the adherents of the law who are to be the heirs, faith is null and the promise is void. For the law brings wrath, but where there is no law there is no transgression. That is why it depends on faith, in order that the promise may rest on grace and be guaranteed to all his offspring—not only to the adherent of the law but also to the one who shares the faith of Abraham, who is the father of us all," (Romans 4:13-16, ESV)

" Therefore, since we have been justified by faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ." (Romans 5:1, ESV)

It often think about these truths in response to this mindset of mine. The last verse, Romans 5:1, is maybe what I need to remember most - I am justified because of my faith, not my works, and have peace with God. I'm not sure where in the 12 or so inches from my brain to my heart exists the disconnect. My head knows these truths very well, but as is obvious from my constant working, I have yet to let these truths sink into my heart and believe them wholeheartedly.

Why do I constantly feel that I have to work for God?
I wish I could just work with Him.
Do I feel that I do not "have peace with God?"
I can't say that I particularly feel at war with Him.
Have I not accepted and/or do I not believe the Gospel?
It seems that maybe I have accepted it intellectually, but not yet believed it with my heart to the point of shedding this performance mindset.

How clear to me is my desperate need for the Gospel every day. Oh that I would accept Jesus' abundant grace and stop working, that I could eliminate this fear by working with God, dependent on His work for outcomes, not working for God, depending on my actions for outcome - that would make developing my team of ministry partners so much more pleasant and so much less stressful.

Yet I praise God anyway, because I know he is working in me. :)

I LoVe studying the Bible

2009-10-28T14:16:00.003-04:00

I am very slowly studying Philippians. This morning I finally got around to considering the letter's importance in God's plan to create a community of redeemed people for his glory through Jesus Christ. I'll share my answer in a second, but about what I most get excited is the thoughts that come out onto the page! I think and hope they have been produced and guided by the Spirit, because I certainly can not come up with something that good on my own. Maybe because it's related to God's plan for redemption, but I get SOOO excited when I read it, it gives me such vision for life. Here's my little summary:

Paul periodically points his readers to "the day of Christ" - the completion of the good work began, recognition of the lordship of Jesus, the fate of destruction for enemies of the cross, and the hope of transformation for their bodies - keeping them focused on the goal. He begins the letter by telling them that God has begun a good work in them and it will be completed in the day of Christ. The rest of the letter encourages the readers to press on and "work out" their salvation until God completes the good work begun. He encourages them by mention of the many benefits they have, as Christians, in the current era/kingdom (Proclaimed Kingdom) - the help of the Spirit, their citizenship in heaven, the exaltation of Christ's name, the peace of God that is available now. In light of these benefits he challenges them to press on and work out their salvation, awaiting the Savior, Jesus. Paul summarizes these things in Philippians 3:13-16.

Moving and looking forward

2009-10-27T21:40:00.001-04:00

If I were to be completely honest with you, I would say that October has been a month of polar opposites—appointments and no appointments, fun and heartache, freedom and worries. I know all of life is like that, but October has been to the extremes. Thank you for praying for safe travels to and from my conference. It was a great trip—very encouraging for the MPD and personal finance areas of my life. It was also great to see some friends from New Staff Training—I miss them a lot, but the phone helps some. However, home life seems to have been unraveling—my grandma is having physical health issues and it has stirred up things that were already difficult for me. Finally, I have made it home to do MPD. It is SO wonderful to once again be a regular attendee in my home church, to see my Family every week and to be encouraged by them. One family in particular are an incredible blessing, as they are housing me and making me a part of their family. :) On the flip side, being in such frequent contact with my family has intensified some of the personal difficulties I’ve been having. In summary, I praise God for moving me forward in the MPD process, but it has come with many personal difficulties, which have been almost impossible to separate from negatively affecting my MPD efforts.

So as I dream about future ministry, one particular group of students with whom I am most excited to work is athletes. “[A] coach or group sponsor will ask the [SV] staff to be part of the team or group. The staff has the opportunity to get to know the students, speak into their lives, and most importantly, to share the gospel with them. This is a significant SV strategy, and we have seen evidence of its effectiveness for many years.” This brief explanation from our National Directors is what I have a passion to do. I recently heard a story about Chris McClelland, who is on staff in Cincinnati. Chris has been able to volunteer with the freshman football team. Recently, he was able to share the gospel as part of a pizza party outreach for the team. “I told them about my athletic career in high school and how I always hoped sports would bring me lasting meaning and satisfaction, but it never lasted. I then explained how some friends in college explained to me how a relationship with God through Jesus Christ was the only thing that would satisfy me. I think the team was shocked that my past success did not satisfy me. They asked lots of questions about my life back then. At the end of my talk I explained how they could begin a relationship with God. Five of them prayed to receive Christ! Praise God!” Stories like this fire me up and remind me of the passion that drives me forward. I cannot wait for the day when I will be sharing with you a story like that—and it will be to your credit. I sometimes get distracted by the dollar signs, but Paul helps remind me that I do not “seek the gift, but I seek the fruit that increases to your credit” (Philippians 4:17).

The cross was for God first?

2009-10-20T13:36:00.003-04:00

"Am I excited about the cross because there God makes much of me, or am I excited about the cross because there I was purchased and freed to enjoy making much of the righteousness and the glory that is vindicated there, for me to see forever and ever? ... It is so liberating because I cease to be the foundation of my salvation. Rather the infinite worth of the righteousness of of God becomes the basis of my salvation. God's unswerving allegiance to uphold and to vindicate his glory for my enjoyment, is the foundation of my salvation. ... When God's exaltation of God in Christ is your joy, when God's exaltation of God in Christ at the cross is your joy, your joy can never fail."

Click here if you want to listen to the whole message and meditate on it yourself. Following is a very poor attempt to regurgitate Piper's message for you in briefer form and some of my reflections.

In this message, John Piper juxtaposes two "mindsets." By "mindset" he means mindset, emotional set, attitude set - a set all inclusive of our selves and our attitudes, which determines the way we view, respond to, and feel about the world - it is an orientation to the world. These two mindsets are the Biblical mindset and the secular mindset. The latter is one that begins with man, measuring all things by humanity, while the former begins with God, measuring everything by God. The one that you employ will determine everything you think and feel about everything, and Piper's message here is specific to the cross of Christ - what is the problem God is trying to solve in the sending and bruising of his son? Piper uses Romans 3 as his text for this message and speaks about God's righteousness.

"This was to show God’s righteousness, because in his divine forbearance he had passed over former sins. 26 It was to show his righteousness at the present time, so that he might be just and the justifier of the one who has faith in Jesus." Romans 3:25-26

There we see the answer - This was to show God's righteousness. The problem was that his righteousness needed showing, because he had passed over former sins.

Whoa. Take that in for a second. He had passed over former sins. So why is that a problem? God is being kind and that's a problem?

YES. God's righteousness would have gone down the tubes, so to speak, if he had not judged and convicted all of those sins he once "passed over." All would fall apart! By passing over our sin, God would be agreeing with our exchanging the glory of God for other things - the low value of his glory.

So Jesus came and was bruised so that God could glorify himself? Boy, that sounds egotistical, right? Maybe, but Piper argues that God's self exaltation is loving. And here we return to where we started.

When God's exaltation of God in Christ is your joy, when God's exaltation of God in Christ at the cross is your joy, your joy can never fail.

The cross was for God's sake, then ours. And it is for our sake because our joy is (or should be) in the worth and righteousness of God. *sigh* That's still a lot to take in. And the bottom line? It may be evident - it's all about God (the Biblical mindset).

So am I excited about the cross because there God makes much of me, or am I excited about the cross because there God makes much of himself? Oh, how so many view the former - the prideful, self-centered "gospel," and I admit to often being one who has held that view. I am prideful, and God, the past 6 months or so, has been revealing just how prideful and self-centered I am. The problem is that we often reduce the Gospel to a means to pump up our self esteem. Here in America it's all about how much good we feel about ourselves, especially for women, and there are always new confidence boosters and builders to self-esteem. But what's it worth, and more importantly, is it really working? I say no! When we base the cross on us we demean it's power and worth and validity. When we base the cross on us, our need for salvation, we ruin it for ourselves, especially our self-esteem. Because one day when we have a down moment, we realize we are not worthy of such sacrifice, and then it doesn't make sense to us and our self-esteem no longer has a basis. In reality, we have never been and never will be worth that sacrifice! But God's righteousness was worth it and it is to our benefit - to find life and love in God upholding his worth and glory and righteousness. AND THIS IS WHY our joy can NEVER be destroyed because God IS righteous and glorious and ALWAYS worthy. And our identity is in him and from him, and that should be from where we derive our confidence, our "self"-esteem - from God - God-confidence, God-esteem.

I could probably blabber on in circles with my unedited thoughts but I will spare you, hoping that this is plenty about which to ponder. Maybe when it has settled more in my mind and heart I will write further.

MPD follow-up conference

2009-10-15T19:00:00.002-04:00

Yesterday I returned from a five day endeavor to Norcross, GA for my MPD (ministry partner development) follow-up conference. The main purposes for this conference was to follow-up the training I received this past summer in Colorado and also provide some stewardship training. Some added benefits included seeing NST (new staff training) friends and reconnecting and deepening those relationships. I think the MPD process groups were my favorite parts of the conference. During these times we got into small groups and discussed our experiences with the MPD process. It was encouraging to hear other encouraging stories and other discouraging stories, as well as sharing my own. The best part, however, was just being able to laugh with others about our experiences. Experiences that, outside this group of comrades, would not be seen as humorous. The evaluation of some of my presentation and MPD process was affirming. Throughout the conference we spent a large amount of time on stewardship training. I added many things to my knowledge of the topic and am excited to pursue some practices that I have not been doing. All in all, the conference was a great time of encouragement and fellowship. I have returned recharged and excited for this next leg of the MPD process!

Picking up where I left off

2009-09-21T19:47:00.003-04:00

I was recently inspired to do a video update, and thought it a wonderful idea since it would likely be much quicker than me writing a whole bunch and you reading a whole bunch. So I hope you enjoy the quick video to catch you up on where I am at now.

I know I said I'd put up some pictures of the beach, but I ended up not taking any pictures of the beach that day, sorry. Anyway, I look forward to doing more video updates in the future, as they are kind of exhilarating and fun.

My new book journey

2009-09-07T16:03:00.003-04:00

So I've had this book sitting on my bookshelf a couple of months and have wanted to read it since I got it. The rain was falling yesterday afternoon as I was preparing to take Emily to the airport and the gloominess gave me this strong desire to curl up and read a book. I was standing next to my bookshelf and this one book just kept pulling at me, but I walked downstairs to get ready to go. Almost ready to go, my mind returned to the thought that after I dropped her off I could just go somewhere and read for a little bit before returning to life. I thought of the book and couldn't resist running upstairs one more time to get the book, on the off chance that I decided to stop and read

Flash forward a little: I can't find a good place aside from home to read, so I just decide to go home and park it on the living room couches - the most comfy couches in the whole house, and some of the most comfy in which I've ever sat. The living room was not as quiet as I wanted but I trusted that if I were focused enough the TV would not bother me. On the way home the desire to journal had been growing. So I sat down and wrote a little to Jesus, using this book as a sort of writing surface. In the middle of a train of thought I played with the bead on the bookmark I had earlier placed in the book for use once I had read some. All of a sudden my current thoughts were interrupted by an idea. Whether it is from God or not, and whether that even matters, I don't know. I do know that the more I read about this book and what others say about it, I get more and more excited to journey through it. But I know it has the potential to be a hard journey for me and I would love for someone to go with me. My thought was, "I could read this through with someone else," and I got excited at that thought. Then as I read through some of the preliminary stuff, that idea of reading through it with someone else was confirmed. Brian McLaren says of this book, "[it] is a treasure to be read slowly and with your closest friends." The book is titled To Be Told by Dan Allender. My counselor gave it to me at the end of our time together and I'm really excited to read more about some of the principles she said she got from this book. I'll probably take it slowly as I usually need time to process these things (and I'm busy and I don't have a lot of time to read more books - I struggle just to read the ones for class. But this is important enough for me to make time for it in my schedule). I'm hoping it will change my life as I journey through it.

"Perfect Worship"

2009-08-21T02:14:00.003-04:00

Here is a poem I wrote for English class in 12th grade. It's called "Perfect Worship."

Rain or shine you reach for the sky,
growing closer every day.
Your branches spread wide
touching every life with hospitality.

Deep are your roots
in the soil of truth,
drawing nourishment
from the Bread of Life.

Pruned with love,
watered with care,
even more faithful
each passing year.

Oh, how I wish
I could be like thee!

Miscellaneous and application update

2009-05-12T21:50:00.001-04:00

Well, that is my first flat tire. It took a flat tire for God to get me to stop and rest a little. Usually it's not that bad, but sometimes he does need to do something drastic like that.

Previously I mentioned that I have a summer job. Well, what I think I have failed to make clear to most people is that I will be moving for the summer in order to work at that job. So tomorrow I pack, move an hour and a half away, and unpack. I hope I can get it all done in one day; and that I don't forget anything too important and have to make another trip.

I went to Islands of Adventure today with the students from my internship. It was lots of fun!

Ok, so now for the more lengthy and more important stuff - the application update. Yesterday I met with a woman on staff to discuss further some things I had written in my application. When I was filling out my application I was very honest (as I thought I should be even though it was unnerving). Some of the things that I mentioned came as red flags to the staff that was processing my application; which I completely understand. So this woman heard of this and wanted to talk face-to-face and get a better feeling of how I am doing with this stuff. It was a good conversation. But I am left more unsure than I was before. I am less confident that this is God's plan, but I don't have any other desires that come close to this one, and I don't know what else I would do if I don't get this job, so.....I still think I'll get it, I'm just not so sure. I completely understand their concerns, and identify/agree with one in particular - one very important one that I had not thought of before. I left with the feeling that I have a 50-50 chance of acceptance. (One thing I really appreciated was the woman's honesty with me, and thus, the reasons I know these things and more.) I don't know what is best and I'm not going to make that decision; I'm going to let someone else make that decision and pray that if this is not God's best for me that he would close the door on this opportunity. Sorry so vague, I just don't have much time to explain more, plus I don't know how much I would want to share, so yeah.... I hope to hear back from them by the end of this week or the middle of next week at the latest. Please pray that God would give these people his supernatural wisdom to know what decision to make. Thanks.

: )

2009-04-29T19:39:00.001-04:00

This is my backyard...and yes, that is a deer just wandering through
it eating some dinner. Amazing.

Endings and beginnings

2009-04-29T15:43:00.007-04:00

Last Friday marked the last day of my internship and May 9th will mark the end of my college career (at least for now). During my internship I actually ended up with the same teacher with whom I was during my first internship. As any internship is, it was a challenging and growing experience. But my favorite part was getting to know the students better. One thing I realized recently is that I would not make a good public school teacher, at least not now. I am too inclined to be a friend and spiritual mentor. Though I never discussed this with my supervising teacher, her final evaluation reflected this conclusion. Along with that realization comes the one that I may never teach. One of my dreams is to return to school and earn a masters degree and a certificate, which would probably lead to a different career. So the fact that I broke all the rules with this internship and that I might never use the professional experience can only lead to one conclusion - God did it. I don't doubt that he wanted me there for a reason. But what is that reason? My guess is what I liked the most - getting to know the students - and what I now hope to do. The end of my internship brought some sadness, but mostly excitement that I can begin a different kind of relationship with the youth that I met and befriended. I can finally be a friend and mentor, crossing boundaries a public school teacher cannot or should not cross. So though my internship is over, a new beginning is taking place - new relations.

Along with the end of my college career comes the dawn of a new career. I have applied to go on staff with Student Venture - the high school and middle school ministry of Campus Crusade for Christ. It seems to match my current desires perfectly and I am really excited that I can actually get paid to do what I love. I will keep you posted as to how the application process is going. As of right now, I am waiting for a "We are processing your application" phone call. Even though this is something about which I am really excited, those thoughts of doubt have been creeping in. I cannot really say that this is what I want to do for the rest of my life, because God has scared me with other dreams (the big ones, I have previously mentioned). Realizing that I will probably leave this career makes me doubt whether I should be in it at all, but at the present moment I cannot imagine myself doing anything else. I imagine myself in this career for a number of years, even to the point of, with it, fulfilling a dream God inspired. So there is much work to be done in Student Venture, but I foresee an end to that work and thus a beginning to something else. But that is many years down the road.

So for the time in between, there are mundane and exciting things. These few weeks until I begin my summer job I am just bummin' around trying to get my room and life back to organized before the time goes away again. I will also be attending many exciting events to include my own graduation! as well as a field trip, last day of school, wedding shower, bachlorette party, and two weddings - in the same day. So exciting stuff for the weeks to come. Along with that, hopefully I can casually hang out with friends, Jesus, and get some rest. Then starts my summer job. : ) I have the privilege of being part of a full-time youth ministry team for my home church - we call it Summer Staff. I am so excited for this endeavor and the possibilities of what God can do. He has already been giving me vision and ideas for the summer, which just excites me to the upmost.

*sigh* Much behind me, much ahead. Enjoy the pictures!

It's funny and scary how much I really look like a PE teacher in these photos.

Not the best picture, but one of my best classes. : )

Probably my smallest class, but some of my favorite people.

Bigger class = more challenging. But so rewarding when you actually make a difference.

Eating lunch with the students on my last day. It is definitely an experience.
It was so precious - one of my students as she was leaving the locker room that day asked me if I would eat lunch with them...how could I resist!

I volunteered as the assistant coach for the girls' basketball team. This is our cake for our banquet.

The team manager and me. We spent many practices talking and goofing off - it was a lot of fun! She is such a cutie and is just an amazing person.

All my lady huskies!

Internship tomorrow!

2009-01-11T21:51:00.002-05:00

Well, tomorrow starts my senior internship. I am so excited to be at the same school at which I was last semester. It is a wonderful school and I love the students I got to know last semester. I also love that it is close enough that I can ride my bike there. I don't know yet if I will be with the same teacher, though that would be awesome because I really like her students. It is crazy to believe I will be graduating in May. *sigh* What a journey this has been...and yet there is so much more to come.

From then until now

2009-01-06T21:10:00.004-05:00

The past five months I have been in a valley, moving in and out of the shadows. The brief moments of sunshine have been providing the joy for me to continue in perseverance. I hope that this semester I will finally walk out of this valley of struggling with my past.

Christmas Conference with Crusade was a sweet time of vacation, fellowship, and renewal. I had my interview for joining staff with Campus Crusade for Christ and today submitted the first part of the application. I now have 22 pages of forms to fill out about myself, so I shall soon be writing a book. I cringe at some parts of it because I must bring up the struggles that I have with certain sins. I know I'm not perfect, but I hate admitting it. I know they are not expecting me to be perfect, but I guess I expect better of me than what I am, and so I am slightly ashamed. Oh, if only I saw myself the way Jesus does.

School starts Thursday and my internship starts Monday. I'm ready for my days to get back to some regularity, though I hope that I do not fall prey to habit and compliance in my relationship with Jesus. I am still being prayerful about my money situation. Giving control to Jesus is so difficult, as I want to secure my own financial stability instead of relying on him. I have resolved to putting in some applications and leaving the rest up to him, and if necessary use money that I have saved to make it through until more money comes.

My group for the day of outreach during Christmas Conference. It was one of the best days of the conference, so influential. It was also a lot of fun getting to play with a few boys in the neighborhood; we really didn't want to leave.

A fun day of riding bikes with friends. This is when we stopped at a playground to rest and have our picnic lunches. Below are a couple of pictures of me showing off...they were so amazed, I found it amusing.

Bunny hop, yeah!

Priorities for the new year

2009-01-03T16:57:00.005-05:00

Yeah, I haven't written in a while, not that it really matters because I don't think many people read this. One confession I feel like I should make, is that I probably will not catch you up on the things I failed to write about at the time. Sorry.

Today is my first day back from Unveiled (a.k.a. Christmas conference with Crusade). I spent a while talking with Jesus about the conference and about my priorities for the upcoming year. My number one priority is PRAYER. I can't think of anything that I want to develop more than my prayer life. And I can't help but see how every other priority will flow from this discipline. So if you are reading this blog, keep me accountable to this priority, because chances are you are on an index card and I care about you and desire to be a part of your life, even if it is only through prayer.

The past five months have been rough, for various reasons. My hope is that whether this semester is the same or better, I will deal with it differently, by being close with Jesus and responding in obedience.

Running...seeking

2008-11-02T20:14:00.007-05:00

I know it's been a while since I've written...I'll catch you up eventually, just not now.

I feel like...I'm being fought over. At this very moment, as I browse some websites, considering my future, Satan is pulling at my soul. Oh, but God is so much stronger. It seems so clear but not at all. I've been distant for a while, but God has been so faithful in drawing me back to his heart. Oh how wonderful he is! So I must pray. I must seek his face, his wisdom...his plan. What will my future hold? I have pieces of a vision. It's like this jig-saw puzzle. I don't have the box and I don't have a clue what the completed puzzle looks like - only God knows that. But I feel like I have some small pieces that relate to the near future. They are pretty clear and I am excited about them. Then I have some other pieces from which I can see a much bigger picture, but it is still fuzzy, there are few details to discern. I feel like I know where I'm headed, but the time has finally come, where that is not enough. Seeking God is now the only peace I will be able to find concerning some decisions that are soon to come.

I want to cry because I feel so ill prepared. If only I had not wondered from this path I would probably already know these things that I will soon seek. It makes me sad to think of all the things on which I may have missed out. So many blessings over which I chose worldly satisfactions. Oh how I wish I could go back...but I don't even know when I left the path. All I know is now I'm approaching it again. Looking back I see my chosen path and hidden is the path I could have, should have taken. If only I had stuck to the plan I would probably know the answers by now.

But...I know I cannot think like this. Coulda-shoulda-woulda's and if-only's only get you in trouble. God has grace on me and I need to give myself grace like he does. One thing of which I was reminded on retreat this weekend is that taking revenge on someone strips them of experiencing God's grace. I've been taking revenge on myself by not giving myself grace. And I've been cutting off myself from God's grace by doing so. Ouch.... What is a girl to do? I am so thankful that my life is in his hands and there's not much I can do that will mess it up. And though I stray, whether it be miles or a few inches, HE is faithful to leave the path, come find me, take my hand and walk me back to the path. The thought of the enormity of his love frequently overwhelms me; I am so grateful.

I have been in this place before
feeling so near to the end of my rope
Numb inside
God where are you now?

It's raining all around me
and I'm lost in the storm
This boat is sinking quickly
and I'm far from the shore

So hold me and catch me
don't let me sink in my sin
Love me, restore me
bring new life within

Lord you know I have loved you from the start
so long ago I gave you my heart

Now it's raining all around me
and I'm lost in the storm
This boat is sinking quickly
and I'm far from the shore

So hold me and catch me
don't let me sink in my sin
Love me, restore me
bring new life within

God I know there is promise of your peace
found in the words you've spoken to me

Now it's raining all around me
and I'm lost in the storm
This boat is sinking quickly
and I'm far from the shore

So hold me and catch me
don't let me sink in my sin
Love me, restore me
bring new life within
(repeat)

["Hold Me" by 11:28]

So I am running back to the place I never should have left. Oh how I have been longing. I'm finding that answers aren't really what I want...he is what I want. Answers will come, but for him I cannot wait.

I finally got some time to write!

2008-08-06T01:04:00.002-04:00

Hello blog readers! I came home from campus early today so I could catch up my blog. There is much to say so I won't waste time.

Monday through Friday we go to the university campus to engage students in spiritual discussion, with hopes to share the Gospel. God is doing amazing things here. There have been close to two hundred conversations, and about 50% of them we were able to share the Gospel. Three people have trusted Christ, that we know of, and there are numerous others that desire to trust Christ but were not comfortable praying right there (we have yet to hear from them). Praise God for our new brother and sisters! The response here is great; people are very open to hearing what we have to say and often tell us they've never heard that message before. It is amazing how students can go their whole lives, going to Catholic or Christian schools, and going to church with their parents, and never hear a clear explanation of the Gospel. They often tell us how good of news it is. Keep praying for God to open hearts here - it is working!

We have seven days left on campus, which is very sad. We will be leaving soon, but these students that we've talked to will be staying. So be in prayer for the students involved in Student Life (the Aussie version of Campus Crusade). Pray that they may be faithful and effective in follow-up and discipleship of these people to whom we have talked.

Well, I guess that's all I really feel like writing. If I start adding anymore details, I will go on forever. Don't forget you can email me and I would be happy to tell you more that way.

We're Here

2008-07-20T01:15:00.000-04:00

We are finally in Newcastle and settled. It has been a good trip so
far, but very busy and tiring.

We spent a couple days in L.A. for briefing. It felt somewhat like
like a retreat, digging into the Word and bonding with my team. We
have two leaders - Joe and Tammy. The rest of our team consists of 3
guys and 8 ladies. The first night together was awesome; there was no
scheduled team bonding activities but we did a good job just hanging
out and talking. I learned names very quickly. We have a good mix of
personalities and we laugh a lot. It is wonderful. We also spent some
time seeing L.A. While out, Matt, Dyar, Jillian, and I had gone down
to the beach to take some sunset pictures. God brought a few
Christians into our path. Somehow we ended up talking and before we
parted they prayed for us. It was a sweet divine appointment. They're
names are Luke, Jennika, and Danielle.

The international flight was ok. It was about 14 hours. The plane
wasn't as nice as last year, but the timing was great. We left San
Fran at night and arrived in Sydney in the early morning, so if we
slept most of the flight our body clocks would be pretty well adjusted.

We spent a couple days in Sydney as well, doing the tourist thing.
Some may know that it is/was World Youth Day. Because of that there
were tons of people, internationals, in the city. The majority of them
are Catholic, so the presence of people on fire for God was just
overwhelming. We crossed the bridge and it was so quiet and peaceful.
It was a good break from the multitudes. One lowlight is that
Jester's, an amazing pie place, closed down and isn't there anymore. A
highlight is that Pancakes on the Rocks was still open, so we had
amazing pancakes for dinner. We went to the zoo, which was nice.

So we finally made it to Newcastle and settled in. We walked around to
see the sights one day and the second full day we went to campus for a
tour. I'm on the first dinner team so we have been busy shopping and
cooking. Everyone has loved the food and Tim Tams have become our
staple dessert.

I can't wait to finally get to work on the whole reason we are here. I
feel I often get slightly side-tracked and just don't think about our
mission. But I pray for God to continually burden my heart and I'm
sure once we start praying, studying God's word, and going to campus
things will change.

On My Way : )

2008-07-11T15:34:00.000-04:00

Well, I sit here on the plane to L.A. as I write this, but I want to
tell you how God has gotten me here and where I am at.

I could tell of the many ways God provided financially, but I'll share
just one cool story and the lesson I learned. I had a fun/movie
fundraiser night last Saturday. I knew I needed $230 after hearing of
$600 that was coming my way, and that just to cover the project, not
my stateside plane ticket. So out of 11 or so college students, God
provided the $230 exactly that I needed, down to the quarters and
dimes. And from that dollar in change he taught me a lesson about his
providence. Though something may seem small and insignificant it is
not of any less worth, and without it my need would not have been met.
Who am I to not count any part of God's providence? God will provide
in ways we would not recognize or accept sometimes, but unless we take
that which he has given us, we are only robbing ourselves. I have
raised over $4400 (although somehow I only have $4300; I'll have to
figure that out when I get back). And he is still continuing to meet
my goal. Praise God! He is good.

I'm excited that the time has finally come, but there is something I
didnt expect. God is working in my heart to resolve the wounds from my
past. It is hard and I find myself sad. It seems like such bad timing,
but I'm sure God knows what he's doing. It is difficult being away
from friends and my support system for this hard time. Honestly, I
don't like it. But I trust God to comfort me and I am interested to
see how he is going to use this special time to work in my heart. I
know he worked last year through a woman on my team and has continued
to work through her frequent support and encouragment. Too bad she's
not here this time; that would make things so much easier. But I
rejoice in the trials because they provide opportunities to grow so
much more than being comfortable.

Please be praying for:
•the work God is doing in my heart and how I cope with it on this trip
•our team as we meet and get to know each other
•team unity
•preparation for ministry at Newcastle Uni
•the many divine appointments, on and off campus, that God has for us
•safe, productive, and fun travels (it is around a 14/15 hour flight
I believe, then the train and bus adventures in Australia)

I'm here safely and awaiting my baggage and to meet my team. : D

The past two weeks

2008-07-06T02:05:00.001-04:00

I didn't realize how long it had been since my last update. Even
though two weeks is not that long of a time, it seems like a lot has
gone on. I went home for a few days and will be doing so again today.
While in O-town, nothing too out of the ordinary has happened, just
life and getting ready to leave. I have had a LOT of fun with friends.
Activities included anything from Camp Rock, and other movies, to
laser tag, to just sitting around and talking. I haven't laughed so
hard or so much in a while...good times. It wasn't a long summer
vacation, but I guess it's long enough. I definitely enjoyed myself.

As for Australia, once I started doing my part, God took care of the
rest. Since making phone calls, emails, and a fundraiser, he has been
SO faithful and quick to provide. It just tickles me the way he pours
out his blessings and just the right amount too (that story will come
soon).

Spiritually, things have been great. I've been reading quite a bit,
though still not as much as I would like. I'm almost finished with two
books and I'm really excited to start this next one, or two. I am more
satisfied with my prayer life and how it has come back around. I have
had the priviledge of meeting some homeless people and being able to
serve them. I'm really excited to go see them again on Thursday. I
started studying Luke 15 and love my morning times with my Daddy. I
think that is my most favorite thing about summer - not having a time
limit on my quiet time. I can sit for half an hour or three hours,
however long it takes. I feel like it has been so long since I have
been able to do that. Going home is nice because I have the beach, but
at the same time it is hard to get away or be alone for a long period
of time, somebody is always right there or getting worried, or waiting
to go somewhere or do something. I rarely feel truly alone with God. I
guess I have a hard time setting those boundaries and enforcing them,
but the environment isn't very conducive for that anyway, which just
makes it harder.

When I look at the big picture, I see how these last two weeks have
been a rekindling of my first love (see May 1st for the prior story).
I just thank God for being patient and wooing me again. I am so filled
with joy, it's wonderful. I have been praying for God to prepare my
heart for summer project and I can see that he has been hard at work
making lots of changes. I am getting so excited about getting back on
campus at Newcastle Uni (University). I really can't wait to get my
hands dirty in the ministry there and to just work hard for God! I'm
even looking forward to the plane trip so I can read these books about
which I am so excited.

God has blessed me so much these past two weeks, I just can't say
enough about it. But I will say that one of the biggest blessings (and
probably my favorite) has been connecting with friends, new and old,
on the phone, internet, or in person. I love all my sisters that are
so amazing and I love knowing I have brothers that love me and that
are watching out for me. It is great to be embraced by the body of
Christ. I guess it is such a blessing to me because I feel like they
are filling in where my family and my past have left me empty. I think
maybe I am beginning to feel the depth and width of God's great love
for me. How sweet it is to my wounded heart, to feel loved. Thank you
brothers and sisters.

I don't like goodbye's, but that will have to be another post because
I need some sleep.

: )

Wow, good day

2008-06-21T23:24:00.003-04:00

So I slept in today and spent the rest of my day with God. A very nice Sabbath indeed. Such a great thing after the semester I just had, and a great way to start these three weeks before I leave. It was a wonderful day and it's so nice to be back to spending alone time with God. *sigh* I just can't explain. : )

I'm done!

2008-06-20T16:10:00.002-04:00

Whew! I can't believe it is finally over with. I got my paper finished in about an hour and it is amazing to be free of school for a while. And just like with last semester I'd like to take some time to reflect. If there's anything I'm learning from the college of education, it's reflectivity. I read somewhere that life isn't worth living if we don't reflect on it. That maybe extreme, but there's definitely some merit to the idea. I'll break it down again by domains.

Academically, this was my most challenging semester. It was rough. But I learned a lot, academically and about life. I learned much about educational psychology and English language learners, and a little about ethics and legal issues related to education. I also learned about the horrid inequalities that exist in our education system. Kozol's Savage Inequalities was eye opening and, I have to admit, I didn't want to continue reading it after the first few pages. It just broke my heart to read about the conditions in which some people live. It's worse than some third world countries, and it's here in America! Ugh, it just frustrates me. I also learned a lot about how to say no and set boundaries. It wasn't easy, but if I wanted to do my best and get good grades and really learn the material, I had to say no to just about everything except school. I said no to friends, fun, sleep, and too frequently I said no to spending time with God. I learned how to work hard and to keep working when everything in me didn't feel like it. I definitely notice a difference in my ability to persevere mentally. I learned how to be busy all day everyday until the weekend; then I was only busy most of the day everyday. : ) Rough as it was, it feels so good to have conquered it and to make it out alive and well. I don't think I would do it again, but I celebrate it and don't regret it in any way.

Emotionally, I didn't have much time to feel or reflect on my feelings so I can't tell you much about that. I started going to counseling and I'm glad I'm going. I was really unsure at first, but now, I'm glad. There's some things I need to work through. I'm not looking for the process and the emotional upheaval that will take place within me, but I really look forward to when it all settles back down. I'm excited to get to the end result and being more healthy emotionally.

Spiritually, it was good. Like I said, I did not spend much time with God, in my Bible, and just listening. I still talked, and am working on getting my prayer life back to where it was and where I want it. Even still, I think I grew so much closer to God. He blessed me all the time with school and really took care of me. Crusade is going through some changes right now and I'm so excited about it. I feel like we are finally starting on the right path, and he's pleased with the direction we're going. Sadly (that's another story) I'm not involved with the leadership this summer, but it's still in my heart. God has put that leading spirit in my heart and it's so cool to see how he's been telling me the same things he's been telling those who are on the leadership team. So even though I didn't spend much time in the Word, God still talked to me a lot, a lot.

I'm really excited to be done with school and to get on with the next things on my "To Do" list. I really can't wait to start exercising again. I am dying to get out on the court and play some basketball. Hanging out with friends is definitely a contributing factor to my excitement. I've felt so lonely this past semester and I can't wait to be around people again. Well, I know this is not well thought out and I probably forgot some things, but I'm going to play some b-ball before tonight.

Good day, great night!

2008-06-20T00:06:00.003-04:00

So I had a good day today (technically yesterday, but whatever). Classes are over, although I still need to finish a paper and get it in ASAP. I still feel relief though, and I thank God for the second chance on the paper. I had an awesome conversation with a friend at lunch! It was just what I've been needing. Oh, it was great! Then, after my last exam, I skipped out on Cru to hang out with some awesome ladies. I haven't gone out and had fun like that in a while, like too long. We hit up the dollar theater and then the bowling alley. That's definitely what I needed after a semester like the one I've had. I think had forgotten what it was like to have genuine fun. Sadly. But I really look forward to hanging out more with these ladies. It's a nice break from the monotony that has become my life. Oh, God is good. I thank God for days like these when it's easy to praise him; they refresh me. So that's my blurb for the day. I can't wait to go hit up the basketball court. : ) I'm happy. What a wonderful God!

I can see it!

2008-06-07T22:07:00.002-04:00

I can finally see the light at the end of the tunnel. Yesterday, I was planning out my assignments for the weekend. After I get these finished it will be all downhill from there. What a relief! Only two weeks left, I can't believe it and I can't wait either. Although, I will be far from free. After classes end I have so much I want to do before I leave for Australia. Fundraising, certification exams, and talking with family are the biggest tasks, but hanging out with friends is a must and a beach day would be nice too. Well, back to homework.

Some of my favorite things about summer

2008-06-02T17:39:00.002-04:00

Shorts, a tank top, and flip-flops
Night walks on the beach
Sea turtle nesting and hatching
Walking out of a freezing classroom and instantly thawing
Evening thunderstorms
The strong winds that precede them
The big dark clouds as they roll overhead
The patter of the large drops as they start to fall
The lighting and thunder that displays God's awesome power (and still makes me jump from time to time)
The refreshment once they're gone
Sitting on the back porch with my dog, enjoying a book
The more relaxed state of things

Relief

2008-05-27T07:49:00.007-04:00

I recently shared a struggle with some close friends. It was scary, at first, since it's something that I've never openly shared before. But now that I have exposed the lie I was believing, it is quickly falling apart. Praise God! The real test will be a bad day. I thank God for sisters to help carry the load. : )

As for school, a resolve may have come or may be coming soon.

Ooooh, videos....

2008-05-24T12:40:00.005-04:00

Both of these videos were made in a class of mine at UCF. This first one is a short autobiographical video.

This second video was part of a group project, in which we had to create an educational video. Ha ha, I still love it!

Praises and frustrations

2008-05-24T10:58:00.008-04:00

Wow, a lot has been going on recently. School is really rough. I don't really understand what I'm doing wrong, but it's not going well. I wish God would tell me how to make it better.

As you can see from my last few posts, God has been telling me some cool things.

Support raising has been interesting. The first month the support flooded my mailbox. After I sent in the checks for my first deadline, it stopped. I didn't get any responses for a few weeks. Then I started to get a few. I'm not worried so much as I am confused and just wondering what God is doing (or what I'm doing wrong). On a better note, I received an email from our project director this week saying that he fiddled with the budget and now we only need to raise $4,200, a difference of $500. So, I guess my new goal is $4,600. With that new goal I am at 58% of my goal, with $1,920 to go. Amazing.

One of the tasks the project directors ask us to do is to write our testimony, memorize it, and then practice sharing it in a group setting, large or small. Well, I've worked on my testimony quite a bit, and actually just updated it recently. I've memorized it pretty well and practiced with friends over lunch or dinner. The practice was greatly needed. The first time I practiced with a friend was horrible. I kept stopping, messing up, laughing. It just took way too long to get through it, but I appreciate her patience with me. The following day I practiced two more times, and there was great improvements. Then, that night, I shared my testimony with our Summer Crusade meeting of about 100 people. Everyone said I did really well, my voice wasn't shaky and I had everybody's full attention. I feel good about it. I had class right beforehand, and as class was coming to a close I started to get nervous. Immediately I began to pray for God's peace. I placed it in His hands completely and rested in Him being in control. I put on some music as I walked across campus to get my mind of the nervousness and to help me keep praying. By the time Summer Cru started, I wasn't nervous at all. Praise God for hearing my prayer and answering me. It will be interesting to see if and how God will use it in the coming weeks. My prayer is that He use it to break down walls that people have built around their heart. Some of the things I said are taboo in the church and no one has ever really mentioned it at Crusade before. It was scary to be so vulnerable to judgment, but I know that ultimately God is my Judge and He sees me blameless and pure. At the same time, it was really exciting, because these are real issues that exist that need to be talked about and discussed. I hope that by my vulnerability those taboo barriers would be demolished. I want to see people freed from their pasts so they can worship God with their whole hearts and whole lives, not just the parts of which they are unashamed.

That night, Matt (our speaker), talked about what a disciple is. He said that a disciple finds their identity in Christ, and that that identity expresses itself in worship, community, and mission. I found it perfect, because the theme of my testimony is identity and how God has changed my identity. I could easily see in my life how my changed identity has impacted my worship, community, and mission. I hope others could have seen that concrete connection too.

But more than that, our church communities need some serious help. It's not a community at all. How many times do we run into someone and say that everything in our life is peachy keen, when in reality we are in a deep struggle with pain and/or sin. How can we welcome in broken strangers, when we are unwilling to be broken before each other, our brothers and sisters, family!? How can we expect strangers to come into our church bodies and be real with us when we are fake with each other? I freely share my testimony, first of all to praise God and give Him the glory, and secondly, to be real with my brothers and sisters. There is great encouragement that comes from knowing the struggles and weaknesses of others. We realize we are not alone. We can talk about our lives and experience healing. I praise God for the life that He has touched already by my testimony. There is too much judging that goes on in the church. That is why we are often fake, because we are afraid of judgment. If a member of the body is afraid of judgment, why do we even wonder why new people never come to church, they are just as afraid of that same judgment. We need to get off our high horses, admit our own faults and weaknesses, and welcome in those who don't know the forgiveness of God. It is not our place to judge, but it is our place to love like Jesus loved. It makes me so sick that people don't want to go to church because they think people would look down on them for their lifestyle and choices. Who do we think we are? The saddest part is that they are right. There are so many Christians who look down on others and think that they are so much better. Are they any better than the pharisees, whom looked down upon the "sinners?" We have such pride issues. I tell you the truth, that those who look down on others are worse off than those upon whom they look. We are a bunch of idol worshipers. And you know what that idol is? Ourselves. We meditate on ourselves and all that entails, rather than God and his goodness. Who cares if we are broken? I'm glad that I'm broken and I want to tell the world about it because all the more will God get the glory for fixing me. I think I better stop ranting now.

So as for prayer requests for me, please please please please please pray for whatever is going on this semester with school. Ask God to reveal to me what I need to be doing to be successful. Continue to pray that He provide financial and prayer partners for me and for those on my project. Also pray for the relationships I have in which God is working right now, a friend and classmates. I feel like we're on the brink of breakthrough in someone's life and am so anxious for Him to just hurry and get on with. I guess I need some more patience in waiting on His timing. One of my biggest struggles right now is giving up time on schoolwork in order to spend time on these relationships, which is one reason why school isn't going so well, because my work is not getting done like it should be. So frustrating. Pray for encouragement, because I am getting discouraged. Thanks.

Breakthrough

2008-05-14T22:08:00.003-04:00

Here is a conversation I had with God today. I thought I would share it because 1) I love to show how God is working – I just get so excited when he works in me, I can’t help but share, and 2) I thought maybe you needed to hear it too, and know that you are not alone in this struggle.

The blue is me, the purple is God, and the black is a song that God put it on my heart to which to listen – obviously to help my thoughts.

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Lord, I am burdened.

I do not see your will and have begun to take on the decision myself. What shall I do?

I’ve come to your Word in hopes of finding some guidance.

Terror will be far removed; it will not come near you. If anyone does attack you, it will not be my doing; whoever attacks you will surrender to you. (Isaiah 54:14b-15, italics added)

I resisted my attacker, the devil, and I feel that he is gone.

For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways, declares the Lord. As the heavens are higher than the earth so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts. (Isaiah 55:8-9)

I do not think like you God. I know this full well. Yet I began to rely on my thinking and human rationalization to make this decision. But that is not how you think. I became discouraged and felt that I cannot do it. But that’s it…because, I can’t. But with your strength, I can. I don’t see your plan, I don’t see the possibility of it, but I trust and have faith that you can do it.

My mom kept telling me that I am on the edge of my breakthrough. God, I don’t want to be stuck here any longer, I want to break through. It’s either my way or your way. Mine is comfortable and easier, I feel I could do it. Yours is overwhelming and will be hard – a lot of work and not much rest…

If you keep your feet from breaking the Sabbath and from doing as you please on my holy day, if you call the Sabbath a delight and the Lord’s holy day honorable, and if you honor it by not going your own way and not doing as you please or speaking idle words, then you will find your joy in the Lord, and I will cause you to ride on the heights of the land and to feast on the inheritance of your father Jacob. (Isaiah 58:13-14)

…but I know that rest in you is all I need. If I keep holy your Sabbath I can soar through the week and be satisfied in all my needs, feasting even. Though I must be careful of what I do, for I am learning what a true Sabbath is and that it’s not me chilling and doing as I please. I must not go my own way or dismiss things I said I would do – which I have done in the past. Your Word says that your rest will be enough to get me through. I am trying to trust that and let go of my anxious hesitation and human ideas.

Your plan is a bigger step of faith. One to which you may have called me, and if so, this would be my crisis of belief. That being the case, I must step out of the boat and believe that I will not sink, that you will not let me sink – fail. A friend said that I can’t make a wrong decision if it is made in faith. She said you will give me grace either way I choose.

Oh God, I want to break through! I want to move forward, move deeper, trust you more. But I am so scared of sinking.

I want to trust you.

Why can’t I trust you, why is it so hard?

I want to say I will do it…but then I hesitate to dive in.

Here I am in this familiar place again
Standing on the shore of my complacency
Ankle deep in love I once was swimming in
Shallowness has taken over me

But the current pulls the sand
And moves my stubborn feet
From the dryness of the land
To where the wave pound over me

CHORUS:
Take me deep enough where I can see
The bottom of Your heart
Deep enough that I can know Your will
Deep enough to know that we
Will never be apart
And when I get there
Take me deeper still

Take me through the wonders of Your faithfulness
Help me see the depth of my own need
Lead me to the water where Your mercy is
For You and You alone can set me free

I am covered by Your grace surrounded
Far away from shore
As/and You’re taking me to places
I have never been before

CHORUS

I want to drown in the water
I want to drown in Your truth
Take me all the way under
Where I have to trust in You

CHORUS

[“Deeper Still” Scott Krippayne]

My complacency – I’ve been leaning a lot on my own strength rather than yours. Shallowness has definitely taken over me – we used to be so close. Rip tides are scary and pounding waves aren’t pleasant to endure, but if that’s what it takes to bring me back into your ocean, that is where I want to be. I may not know which way is up, but will it matter if I’m surrounded by your love? Rip me away from this life I’ve been living, I’m finding it hard to let go of the dry land that has become so comfortable. Only you can set me free. I’ve never been here before, but what’s so great about where I’m at now – I want more of you. I want to drown in the water, drown in your truth. But I’ve got to trust in you.

I am not saying this because I am in need, for I have learned to be content whatever the circumstances. I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want. I can do everything through him who gives me strength. (Philippians 4:11-13)

I can do it.

B R E A K T H R O U G H !

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So for you friends that are reading this, please keep me encouraged when I get down and want to quit. Keep me accountable in keeping my Sabbath, as will be so necessary. I guess this is that to which I was looking forward – what God was going to do this semester. Exciting as it is, I didn’t think it would be this sort of challenge, I thought it would be pleasant…but then I wouldn’t grow as much would I. I would much rather have this.

Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day. For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen. For what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal. (2 Corinthians 4:16-18)

Rainbow blessings

2008-05-04T20:09:00.007-04:00

I took a bike ride out to a favorite spot of mine, where I like to go to be alone with God. It was beautiful outside. The temperature was comfortable, the sun was bright, but setting, so it was a soft light, and the sky was blue with white clouds. The pond that I overlooked was still, looking like glass, perfectly reflecting the trees on the other side. I wrote in my journal, then sat there singing love songs to Him. I began to see little circles of ripples all over the pond, like when it rains. I didn't feel any drops hitting me, but I saw a little rain cloud coming. I wasn't concerned. I just continued to sit and enjoy God's show. After a while I began to feel the drops, but they weren't much. They were cool and fresh upon my skin. It reminded me of how God uses the rain to wash the earth and make it clean. I felt like he was washing me too, hehe. : P Then it began to rain harder and I stood up to ride away so I wouldn't get soaked. In a moment, I thought, "Why should I leave? I won't make it to shelter in time, so what's the difference. Why rush away from God's blessing?" I sat back down and got comfortable, enjoying the sound of the rain drops popping on the surface of the pond. I could feel the different sizes of the raindrops as they fell, dropping bigger and harder. Then, they lightened up again. Another small cloud passed and I thanked God for the cool, refreshing wash. As it began to lighten up and pass ahead of me, I thought, "Maybe I'll see a rainbow - I've got the right angle and the sun is shining." A few minutes later the colors began to show up. It started at the right side and after a while, it was a full rainbow stretching across the sky. Such a beautiful sight! I continued to notice something peculiar about the rainbow, however, that I never noticed about rainbows before. The rainbow seemed to form a dome of sorts, inside of which the rain fell. Outside of the rainbow you could see the blue sky and white clouds, but as your eyes passed over the colors, to the interior, the sky became blocked by the wall of rain, giving it a gray look. "How peculiar," I thought.

I thought about the beauty of rainbows and how people get so excited when they see one. Then I thought about life and how rainbows can signify something good and pleasant - a good day or season of life, blessings, healing. But it takes rain to make rainbows, which in life is never fun. Rain often makes me think of hard times, with tears and pain, and unpleasant things. When you are in the rainstorm all you see is the gray sky and all you feel is the rain beating on your skin, often getting cold and unhappy. We often times can't see the blue sky beyond the clouds or the rainbow that could be hovering above our shower. But as time passes, and the storm moves on, we begin to see the beauty that results from the storm, the good, the blessings, the healing. Only after the rain cloud travels a distance can you see the rainbow.

So if you feel like you're in a storm right now, hold on tight. With the Son shining there is a rainbow of promise hovering above you, you just can't see it right now. Keep holding on, enjoy the cool cleansing flow, bask in His downpour of care. He doesn't want you to stay dirty forever, he wants to clean up His child. Sit tight knowing that your good Father is lovingly and tenderly washing your dirt away, just like your mother once did when you were young. Once the storm passes, then you'll see God's great blessing to you.

The rainbow is sure worth the rain.

Sisterhood

2008-05-04T14:53:00.004-04:00

I just returned from a Women's Discovery Weekend retreat with my home church. It was great. I think the biggest thing God showed me, is what it is like to have big sisters. I've been the big sister for so long, supporting others, and I've never felt the other end of it - being supported by a big sister. It was such a breath of fresh air.

Catching up on this past semester

2008-05-01T22:20:00.005-04:00

So today was my first financial deadline for my Australia summer project. My personal goal was around $1850. I sent in around $2300. God is so amazing! Now, I am almost halfway to my total goal...halfway!

So school has been over with for almost a week and I have about another week before I start my three summer classes. Yeah, three, I'm crazy. Anyway, I'm not enjoying my "vacation" too much. I feel like I have sooooo much to do, and I already have homework. That's right, I already have homework! I can't believe it. Well, I guess I'll tell the long story...here it is from the "beginning." This past semester has been my most difficult thus far (and hopefully ever).

Emotionally, I felt like I was on a roller coaster. One day or hour I was bounding with happiness and joy, the next I was sulking with gloom. I realized that (and this is hard for me to admit) my battle with depression is not completely over (though there has been some progress, about which I will talk shortly). It mainly reflected whatever was going on with my mom, although there has been a lot more going on with my family, in general, that has been weighing upon my heart. I like to think of it as a line graph - overall a positive slope, but spiking up and down, all over the place. The inconsistency took a toll on me and I became very exhausted. Things seem to have leveled out for a bit. I had a good talk with my mom a few days ago. I got to cry in her arms and let go of so much that I had been holding in. It was such a relief and felt soooo good, even though it was scary at first. I feel like God put some more pieces of my heart back together. I know we are not out of this completely, but I have more hope onto which I can hold, to get me through the tough times ahead. I feel stronger and more ready to handle what comes. So finally, after all these years, God is taking the depression that plagued me and is replacing it with hope. Ahhh, what a good feeling it is!

Spiritually, I feel like I've been living two lives. In one, I got really involved with Crusade and enjoyed doing regular evangelism on campus, as well as some prayer. But at the same time, my own relationship with my Father wasn't doing so well. My quality, quiet times were few and far between. I really struggled to get much from reading His Word, though I found other books to be great resources. I've really enjoyed expanding my desire for reading for "pleasure", but I missed being fed by the Word. And in that same life, I failed to honor God with my school.

Academically, I did not do so well, though my grades may not show all of it (because God is so kind). God opened my eyes as to how lazy I was in regards to school. I struggled to do homework and often turned in assignments late or not done well. I am very disappointed in my behavior.

But God has shown me where I've gone wrong and I pray that I make the necessary changes before summer classes start. I will have three classes and no wiggle room for mistakes, much less anything else. God finally answered a question of mine, today, and told me that I have been keeping school and ministry separated (which is probably why I've done so poorly). Especially this past semester, I viewed school as an obstacle to what I really wanted. My perspective really needs to change before next Monday. He showed me that instead, I need to weave ministry through my everyday life, including school, and that school isn't an obstacle for ministry, but an opportunity. I don't really know where my sights got mixed up, but they definitely did. Slowly, I'm giving it to God. It is harder than I thought, I guess because I've been holding onto it for so long and it's just habit.

So this leads me to this coming semester. Like I said, I will have three classes, that's 24 scheduled hours of class a week, not to mention study time in addition to that. So as you can see I won't have any time for the prayer and evangelism I had hoped to start and continue. It's hard to let go of those desires and embrace the change that God has for me. (Man, where did I go wrong?! I'm realizing more and more how my focus has been all wrong, and usually on me, even though it seemed like it was on God.)

I guess God has been showing me this for a few weeks now. A couple of weeks ago God brought up this passage in Revelation that really spoke to my heart.

Yet I hold this against you; you have forsaken your first love. Remember the height from which you have fallen! Repent and do the things you did at first. (Revelation 2:4-5a)

He showed me that I too had forsaken my first love, and instead was driven by different things. I reflected upon the place from which I had come and the things I did "at first." It was so sweet to look back at the beginnings of my relationship with God and how in love I was, and how satisfied I was, with just Him. He was my only desire - innocent and pure.

So that is where I'm headed - to God, to God and to school. I feel like there is a lot of change coming to my life and much of that is simplification. The clutter is beginning to be removed and I pray that all that is left is only what God wants. I don't want any selfish desires of mine on the side because that will only lead to more exhaustion and frustration, not to mention spoiling of the fruit that God is trying to produce in me.

I am the vine; you are the branches. If a man remains in me and I in him, he will bear much fruit; apart from me you can do nothing. (John 15:5)

Well, that was a lot, and it's late now, so I'm off to bed.

My journey starts here...

2008-04-25T22:17:00.010-04:00

The world sends us messages to tell us who we should be or how we should act. Before I became friends with God, I listened to what the world was saying to me. It led me down a path of pain, emptiness, and despair.

My parents separated when I was two and divorced when I was four. My dad came in and out of my life as he pleased, leaving me void of the father I really needed. This led me to a struggle to feel beautiful, I never felt pretty enough the way that I was. In fourth grade, I was sexually abused. In fifth or sixth grade my brother moved out, and after that it was just my mom and me – through middle school and high school. My mom developed physical and mental health problems, so oftentimes I was acting as the mother rather than the child. I felt so lonely and often like an orphan. All I wanted was a mother to love me and to take care of me. Along the way, I found depression to be one of my closest companions. I often had thoughts of suicide and self-harm.

I began to listen to the world in search of the guidance I was missing. As a result I began to compromise my purity. I often told dirty jokes and my mind was usually in the gutter. I started to do things that fed my sexual cravings. I looked to the world to find my beauty and they said, “Sir…err, uh…ma’am.” My femininity was stripped from me. I had the body parts of a female, but I felt masculine in nature. Soon enough, I became confused about my sexual orientation. The world told me that the answer to my problems was to be gay. The guidance for which I looked to the world, only made me more confused and empty. I had no hope for a better family, my impure thoughts and actions always left me wanting more – I was never satisfied, and I just didn’t like the thought of being gay – I hoped that there was another option.

About this time of desperation, my next door neighbor invited me to her church’s youth group. My mom had taken my brother and me to church when we were young. I remember accepting Christ at a young age, but I didn’t fully understand what that meant. I understood that God had rules for me to follow, so I aimed to be a good person and follow the rules. I thought I did a pretty good job, and because of that, I considered myself a Christian. Since I was already a Christian, it seemed logical to go to church with my neighbor, so I did. It was then that my life began to change. I learned things about God that I didn’t know before. I learned that this God could be my Father. I really liked the sound of that, so I started to talk to God and read my Bible. In this new relationship, I found hope, a hope that gave me the strength to keep on living amidst the pain. God told me that he had a plan, a good reason why my life was so hard. His Bible says that “we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.” This verse meant that God had a reason why I was going through hard times with my mom and my family. Whenever I was faced with thoughts of suicide or self-harm, I remembered this verse, and it gave me a reason to keep pressing on. I now had a hope and soon I found a new family – God’s family. God was now my Father and I his child, and I gained brothers and sisters who loved me and looked out for me.

Then I started to understand about Jesus. I had been doing these things that were bad in God’s eyes. I wasn’t the goody-goody I always thought I was. I realized that because I had done these things I had put a barrier between myself and God, a barrier that I could not remove by my own efforts. I also found out that because of my disobedience, I had to pay the penalty. The penalty for disobedience is death, which is separation from God. I loved God, He was my Father, and I desperately wanted to be with him. What could I do? Then, I remembered Jesus. I had heard that Jesus paid the penalty of death by dying on a cross. He paid my penalty, so that I didn’t have to. I told God that I was sorry for the bad things I was doing and that I wanted to stop. I trusted that Jesus took the punishment for my disobedience so that my relationship with my Father, with God, could be restored. But the best part is that Jesus didn’t just die on a cross, he was resurrected, meaning he was brought back to life. God said that if I trust in Jesus’ death and resurrection, that I too would die and start a new life. This new life would be free from my past; I would no longer be haunted by the things I had done. Jesus took my old identity and replaced it with his, so when God looks at me he doesn’t see my past acts of disobedience, he sees Jesus and his perfect obedience. What a joyful realization it is to know that Jesus did the work to remove the barrier between God and me and that because I trust in Jesus, nothing can ever separate me from my Father again! I had started a new life with God. I had finally found the love and family I always wanted, and I was finally freed from the guilt that held me captive.

From then on, it has been a continual growth process – I didn’t change overnight. I began to ask God for my identity. I started reading my Bible to find out what my life was supposed to look like. Some things were easy to quit, but other things took years to overcome, and even now I still struggle with wanting to disobey God. Even though I have started a new life with God, I am not free from hard times. God is still in the process of healing the relationships within my family, so some days are good, but other days are like things have never changed. Life is still hard, but now as I walk through life I am never alone, though I may sometimes feel lonely. At the end of a hard day, I have a Father who wraps me in his arms and comforts me. He finds me lovely and delights in blessing me everyday. I have a new perspective on life that comes from my new identity. I have a purpose filled with love that drives my life forward. I am no longer confused or guilt-tripped by what the world says, for now I listen to God, my Daddy, to define who I am.

A longer update will be coming soon

2008-04-22T21:54:00.006-04:00

So a few things have happened as far as financial support is concerned, 1) I forgot to add in my $200 deposit before, so that kicked up my totals quite a bit, 2) I got another check today, yay!, and finally 3) I've set my own financial goal. I need $4700 for my trip but I'm setting the goal of $5100. I added in $400 to pay for my stateside plane ticket. I am praying in faith, and feel very confident that God will provide abundantly. My mom is praying for $5200, but I don't really know what the extra is for, but knowing how God uses her, she's probably on to something I don't see. So right now I need $375 by May 1st and I am 25% of the way to my new goal. God is just so awesome!

I am almost finished with this semester. Two more papers and I'm free for a couple of weeks, when summer classes will start. Once I'm done writing papers for school I'm going to get on here and write a lot. This semester has been really difficult and I want to reflect on what God has done, because He's done a lot. He's been teaching me a lot and I want to share that too. Hopefully, I will remember it all.

Another update because God is good!

2008-04-18T15:49:00.002-04:00

18.62% with $875.00

$775.00 to go for my first deadline on May 1st (Wow, I just realized I'm more than halfway there, cool!)

Support update

2008-04-15T21:23:00.005-04:00

I received two more envelopes today. One that really made me smile came from the Z radio station (88.3 FM). I love that they don't even know me, yet obey God by faith, and support a sister. Ahh, I love family. : ) So now I have 85% to go! Awesome! God is good.

My first financial deadline is coming up in two weeks - May 1st. I need to have $1650 total by then. I have $925 dollars to raise in two weeks. =O So far 92 support letters have been sent out...that is amazing! I remember last year when I struggled to come up with 50 names of people to whom I could send letters. Of those, 9 have responded thus far. : ) Aside from letters I guess I'm starting to brainstorm ideas for fundraisers. I'm thinking maybe a field day, bake/dessert sale, movie night-in (stolen idea), ooh, maybe even a walk/jog-a-thon! That would be sweet!

With that said, please be praying for the development, planning, and implementation of a fundraiser (most likely the walk/jog-a-thon for now). Ask God to give me wisdom about location, date, time, etc, and the logistics of how it works. And of course, be praying for God to call on people to participate and help me raise money - without people it will be pointless.

So I just wanted to write a little update

2008-04-13T22:15:00.003-04:00

I now have $625 in financial support, and $4,075 to go. I also have five reported prayer supporters, though I'm sure others are praying, I just don't know it.

Aside from that, school is out of control, but after Tuesday the hectic-ness should be over...for a little while anyway (I've already received one summer class' required book list). I had a great day on Saturday. I traveled down to West Palm Beach to visit family then to go see a friend's dance show. I had the best day at the beach playing with my cousins, then back at the house playing with Nerf guns. Haha, it made me feel like a kid again. : ) Then, I went across town to this amazing show complete with live dance (of course), an orchestra, and live opera singers. Did I mention it was amazing?!!! I could definitely go to those kind of shows every weekend. It was the best vacation that I've had in a while, it was a nice surprise and break from my life. I wish the happy effects lasted longer. : / But that's it for now, seeing as I need to sleep and finish my homework.

God's calling is getting louder

2008-04-04T00:47:00.000-04:00

So I'm a junior at UCF and I will be graduating next spring. As this realization has made it's way to the surface of my thoughts I have begun to think about what's next. I can't stay with my uncle forever and I would like to move out into a place of my own, and preferably live with some friends, but who knows. But more so than that, what's after graduation? God had revealed some options last semester and they have become more clear over the course of this semester. Some have already started to fade in light of God's plan being revealed. I have been really praying and asking God "What's next?" for about, a week I guess. Tonight, I think I got my answer, or at least the beginnings of one. I was driving home from Crave tonight and the song that just 'happened' to be playing (God does this a lot - uses music to speak to me while I'm driving) was "Lead Me to the Cross" by Hillsong (AmAzInG band!). Here are the lyrics, the bold, italicized ones are the words that really reached my heart tonight.

Savior I come
Quiet my soul remember
Redemptions hill
Where Your blood was spilled
For my ransom
Everything I once held dear
I count it all as lost

Lead me to the cross
Where Your love poured out
Bring me to my knees
Lord I lay me down
Rid me of myself
I belong to You
Lead me, lead me to the cross

You were as I
Tempted and trialed
You are
The word became flesh
Bore my sin and death
Now you're risen

To your heart
To your heart
Lead me to your heart
Lead me to your heart

So like I said I've been praying a lot about what God has next for me. Basically the options that I see are get a teaching job and/or continue school, or intern with Crusade (Campus Crusade for Christ). Originally I thought I would be interning with Student Venture the high school ministry of Cru, but tonight I had a new thought. I thought about this semester. I have been so overwhelmed lately with school and homework that has been put on the back burner, mainly just one class, but nonetheless the back burner. I love school and especially the curriculum that I'm learning. I love going to class and learning this stuff and when I leave I can't wait to go study it...but it doesn't happen like that. (Everything I once held dear I count it all as lost.)

Rewind a second. Last summer I went on summer project with Crusade to Newcastle, Australia (and I'm going again this summer!). God did a major work in my heart and when I came back I had a fire burning within me. I had a passion for prayer and evangelism. So I started some prayer meetings, that eventually fizzled out (because they were at 7:30 in the morning) but the times we met were amazing and I really miss it. Somewhere toward the end of the semester I met up with a friend and we started to do spiritual surveys once a week. This semester we continued with the weekly evangelism. It is one of the greatest blessings in my life. I meet so many people and although I haven't seen much fruit from it, I see God working in students' hearts and I see fruit in my life, as well as others who join me. God has continued to increase my passion for His people and expanding His Kingdom.

So to finally tie all these loose ends together...I feel like God is calling me into full-time ministry (wow, that's a scary thing to say, admit, realize, and accept). Probably not my whole life, but at least for a period. Each week I am so encapsulated by doing His work that homework doesn't even matter anymore. It sounds terrible, I know, and I feel bad sometimes that I'm not giving more attention to school, but this is where God has taken my heart. I am currently discipling a fellow college student. I can't explain how much of a joy it is to spend time with this girl and tell her about Jesus and the wonderful things He has for her. I can't even describe with words how it makes my heart soar, to be used by God in such a life-changing way, and make that kind of an impact in somebody's life! You can't get any better than that! I also am a part of giving free hugs on Wednesdays, which is way cool. I mention these things not to try to make myself look good or righteous but to give you an idea of the passions God has put on my heart. When I think about all that I have to do right now, I would much rather be producing eternal fruit rather than just finite knowledge. All this to say that I have a passion for high school and middle school students, but I also have a passion for college students and maybe God is calling me to intern with Crusade at UCF and then Student Venture a little later. I can't think of anything better than sharing God with students all day.

This is big, scary, and I know it. I feel it and it's slightly terrifying. What will my family say? Will they understand? But as terrifying as it is, it's so wonderful and good, because God is calling me to such a larger adventure than I would have taken, and it's exciting! I know He will take care of me, I just have to find rest in that peaceful truth. So please be praying for me as God continues to reveal His will and continues to show me where He is taking me the next few years. Pray for confirmation and peace to come to my soul. Thanks.

My first post

2008-04-03T17:14:00.000-04:00

Hello! So I decided to start a blog mainly for those of you who have joined my support team as I travel to Australia this summer, but I'm sure the rest of my life will creep in as well. I have sent out most of my support letters and have received $425 in financial support and five prayer partners in only a matter of days. Can I just express how good God is?! He is amazing! I have been so encouraged by all mys supporters thus far and I can't wait to see how God is going to use so many others. Well, I can't stay long because I have many homework assignments waiting for my attention. Talk to you soon!